Page 26 of Anchor

I know Heaven can feel it, but she ignores me, continuing to talk to the therapist. “But then I met Travis and, God, when I locked eyes with him, my heart raced, my palms sweated, and I knew that he would become my universe, and that scared me, so I walked away.” I look at Heaven to see a small smile on her face. Awe fills me as she says, “But he didn’t give up; he showed me that my mom was wrong. He made me feel special, and when we got married, even though it was at the courthouse and my mom said he’d hurt me and that I was making a mistake, I was so happy because he gave me joy, hope, and undying love….”

Tears fall from her captivating eyes, and I use everything in me not to touch her, Dr. Larsa silently telling me no, shaking her head.

“I thought I won the jackpot, that I was the luckiest girl in the world. He was strong, and kind; he was my savior that continued to give me butterflies with just one look or a gentle touch, but when I told him I was pregnant, I started to doubt him.” I frown in confusion because I never saw any doubt coming from her back then, but dread fills me as she says, “He wasn’t happy. I overheard him on the phone to someone, telling them his sex life was over, that he wasn’t ready for a family…and the word ‘termination’ came up….”

Fuck, I was talking to my dad, who suggested she get a termination. I didn’t realize she overheard me.

“But I pushed it back. I understood he was scared because I was too, which is why I never fought him when he told me I had to quit college so he could continue his studies for the club. It’s why I started working nights to support us, the club not paying much to prospects.”Fuck, fuck, fuck, what the fuck did I do?“And then he started distancing himself from me. Honestly, when I caught him cheating, I did think maybe it wasn’t the firsttime; I still think that, mainly with the help of my mother, who, day in and day out, speaks in my ear,‘Once a cheater, always a cheater,’that he’ll hurt me again, that men are all the same. I believed her, I still do….”

I slump back on the couch, my eyes tearing up.

I never knew how shitty her childhood was, I never realized how much of an impact her mom had on her in the years we’ve been a part, and I never realized how much doubt I put in her head when I was busy with the club, never home. She couldn’t sit at the clubhouse because no one knew she existed, and I had no excuse to give the brothers to cut my hours.

I lock eyes with the doctor, and instantly, I know she’s thinking the same as me.

If I want my wife back, I have a very big uphill battle to win her over because we’re not just talking about what I did now; we’re talking about the trauma her mother put her through and the doubts I helped escalate because I put my club first, wanting to prove myself to my dad.

I fucked up more than I realized, hurt her more than I could ever imagine, and unknowingly forced her to doubt me. I know it’ll be tough, but I’m willing to fight for the both of us until she’s ready to fight for me, I just have to ensure her mother doesn’t see her much, which means being around for Micha more and at the club less, which I know Steal will understand. Also, I have to ensure my mother and all her bullshit stays the hell away from her as well.

10

Heaven – Two Weeks Later

I smile at the elderly lady behind me, who has only two things in her basket, and say, “You can go in front.”

She smiles and rasps, “Thank you, sweet girl,” and moves around me.

I have at least ten items in my basket, including ingredients to make homemade pizza with Micha tonight. It’s stretching the boat a little; money is tight, as always, but he’s got his first home game tonight and deserves a treat because, well, I can’t afford to pay for him to go to the arcade with his friends, and like hell am I asking Travis.

So far, we’ve had five therapy sessions, including our first one two weeks ago. On the first and second visits, we delved into parts of my childhood and spoke about my mom and how she’s been over the past ten years since I left Travis. In the last two, we talked about Travis’s place within the club and what it means.

We’re supposed to meet there in an hour, and today, we’re discussing Travis’s childhood, something we were supposed to talk about last week, but he put it off, knowing damn well his dad’s infidelity will come up.

I sigh as I put my groceries on the conveyer belt, my eyes going to a particular item, and my anger heightens at the jackass.

I still think therapy is a waste for us. Yes, I love him, but like he said, it’s been ten years, and I still can’t get past what he did. I know my mother is a big reason, but so is the fact that he took pleasure from someone else.

And the results won’t change my mind, even if he did make it happen.

Shaking my head, I bag my items as the bored eighteen-year-old says, “That’ll be $48.27.” I try to hold in my wince.

That will leave $1.87 in my account until next week….

Swallowing hard, I get my card out and pay for the groceries, wondering if I should transfer some money from Micha’s account, but I instantly squash it.

Every month, Travis puts around $4000 into my account. I pay for Micha’s after-school activities and school meals, but the rest goes into an account I opened for Micha. Because I’ve only taken small amounts out of it over the years for his essentials, like clothes, he has roughly $474,000.

I pay for all the household bills and food out of my wages at Jimmy’s Girls. This is also why it took me so long to get my degree.

Hopefully, I’ll get a job that pays more soon. I’ve sent out several resumes, but because I have no experience in the field of law, it’ll be hard to find someone to give me a chance.

After waving bye to the bored cashier, I walk out of the store only to groan internally as I hear, “Well, well, look who it is, girls….”

Goddamn Ginger. Great.

Not willing to even entertain her, I continue my path on the other side of the parking lot to my car but tense when I hear her state, “The fat assed bitch used to follow Anchor around like a lost puppy in high school, but he chose me like he always has…. His dick felt really good inside me last night, too, something she won’t experience.”

I hate it because instead of holding my head high, I go to a place I can’t seem to climb out of, and doubt fills me.

---