Page 84 of The Half Sister

‘It’s instinct,’ says Rose. ‘It will kick in as soon as you give birth. Of course, there will be practical things you need help with, but you’ve got me and your sister to show you the ropes. Lord knows you’ve been around Lauren’s children for long enough, so that’ll give you a head start.’

‘But what if I don’t bond with the baby? What if I don’t feel what I’m supposed to feel?’

‘You may not,’ says Rose. ‘You’ll get plenty of people telling you how youshouldfeel after having a baby, but for some new mothers, it’s not always that straightforward.’

‘What do you mean?’ Kate asks, wondering whether her mother is about to impart the reason she gave Jess up.

‘Well, sometimes that feeling – that immediate bond of unconditional love – doesn’t come until later,’ says Rose. ‘So much happens to our bodies and our emotions that it’s tough sometimes. There’s all the hormones of the pregnancy, then the trauma of the birth, and whilst you’re recovering from all that, you suddenly find yourself alone with this little human being who is solely dependent on you to survive.’

‘Did you struggle with me and Lauren?’ asks Kate, lowering herself onto the sofa.

Rose looks away as she sits in the armchair beside her.

‘Mum?’

‘Look, this is happy news,’ says Rose after a long pause. ‘You don’t have to worry – you’ll be a natural, I know you will.’

‘So, you found it hard?’ presses Kate. ‘Was it more so with Lauren, being your first?’

‘I found it difficult in the beginning,’ admits Rose. ‘But they were different times then. Women were having babies in the morning and expected to be back at their desks in the afternoon.’

Kate offers a weak smile.

‘You’ve got to remember, this was the eighties, when magazines likeCosmopolitanwere telling us we could have itall. If you weren’t in a high-powered job, with a baby hanging off your hip, and still having great sex, then there was deemed to be something very wrong with you.’

‘So, what happened?’ asks Kate, keen to take advantage of her mum’s affable mood.

Rose looks off, out of the window, as if lost in thought. ‘You’re made to feel as if it should be the happiest time of your life,’ she says eventually. ‘And for a few days it was blissful. Your dad took some time off work, the house was full of visitors and flowers and Lauren was such a good baby.’

‘But?’

‘But I felt detached, as if it was all happening to someone else. When your dad went back to work, I begged him not to go. I remember crying and holding on to him at the front door, asking him what I was supposed to do on my own.’

Despite herself, the admission brings tears to Kate’s eyes. ‘Didn’t you think you’d be able to cope?’

‘I just didn’t feel I was qualified to be left alone with a baby,’ says Rose. ‘I was scared of what I might do, ornotdo, whichever is the greatest evil.’

‘But you’re a strong, capable woman,’ says Kate.

‘Well, that’s the thing with post-natal depression. It’s pretty indiscriminate in who it chooses to affect. From the outside looking in, I had a husband who adored me, a lovely house, a supportive family – but inside I was a wreck who was having trouble functioning on any level. I didn’t trust myself or anybody else and I was so paranoid that I was doing something wrong or not doing something right, that I thought Lauren would be taken away from me. There were times when I thought I’d save everyone the trouble and just end it, but the shocking thing was, hand on heart, I didn’t know whether that meant hurting me or hurting her.’

‘So, what did you do?’ asks Kate.

Rose gives a little laugh. ‘I muddled on for a year or so, living two lives; the one, on the face of it, that everyone saw, and the other, that gave me palpitations and disturbed thoughts. I knew it was happening, I just couldn’t do anything about it.’

‘Did you go to your doctor?’

Rose shakes her head vehemently. ‘No, there was still a stigma attached to it back then. It wasn’t like today – when we’re all encouraged to talk about our emotions.’

‘Weren’t you scared?’ asks Kate. ‘When you found out you were pregnant with me?’

‘Terrified!’ says Rose, half smiling. ‘But I couldn’t deny Lauren a sibling just because I had difficulty coping. I had to give myself some tough love and accept that everyone else was clearly managing, so I just had to pull myself together and get on with it.’

‘And was it as bad the second time around?’

Rose grimaces. ‘Worse, unfortunately.’

Kate can’t help but feel hurt that she was difficult to love. Maybe that explained why she’d always felt closer to her father. If Rose realizes what she’s implied, she doesn’t show it.

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