Page 40 of The Half Sister

‘What, in this old thing?’ she says, out of habit whenever anyone pays her a compliment. She pulls at the bottom of her blouse and remembers Kate’s words. ‘Why do you always do yourself down whenever anyone says something nice?’ She remembers being at one of Kate’s swanky do’s and a handsome man telling her that she had beautiful hair. She’d immediately put a hand to it and said, ‘I imagine it looks like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.’

‘Just say thank you,’ Kate had said, as they watched the man make a hasty retreat. It saddens Lauren that she was so insecure about how she looked, even before having children, when she felt like a different woman entirely. She wishes she knew then what she knows now.

‘It brings out the colour in your eyes,’ says Justin.

Thank you,’ says Lauren, looking at the floor.

He orders a lager top, and a surge of melancholy engulfs her as she’s transported back to when she’d managed to blag her way into Zen’s nightclub wearing a crop top and pleated mini skirt, thinking her attempt at looking like Britney Spears as a schoolgirl was a good idea to try and pass as someone older. It had worked though, and with Justin being over eighteen, they’d happily drunk lager tops and vodka until the early hours before crashing at someone’s house whose parents were away.

As they move away from the bar with their drinks, Lauren feels Justin’s hand in the small of her back, guiding her, reassuring her. If she were with Simon, he’d either be stomping off in front of her or holding her arm territorially, as he pushed her to wherehewanted to go.

‘Where would you like to sit?’ asks Justin.

‘Just over there,’ says Lauren, seeking out the quietest, darkest corner.

They sit down and look at each other for what feels like an interminable amount of time, as if disbelieving that they’re really here.

‘You haven’t changed one bit,’ says Justin eventually.

Lauren pictures the stretch marks streaking her stomach, the sagging breasts that he will remember being pert; both a testament to the three wonderful children she has denied exist. But it’s not just the physical changes Justin will be shocked by; it’ll be the parts of her he can’t see.

‘A lot has happened since,’ is all she says, before taking a long slug of her drink, desperate for the alcohol to numb her nerve endings.

‘Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you,’ says Justin. ‘I’d tell myself,convincemyself, that we were too young for it to ever work, but deep down I knew we were meant to be.’

‘Youmade the decision to end it,’ says Lauren quietly.

‘Only because that was clearly what you wanted,’ says Justin.

‘WhatIwanted?’ she says, a little too loudly.

‘Let’s not,’ says Justin, putting his hand on top of hers. ‘It all happened a long time ago, in another lifetime. Let’s concentrate on the future.’

‘But we’re different people now,’ says Lauren.

‘True, but who knows? Maybe we should be thankful for what we went through.’

‘Thankful?’ says Lauren.

‘Yes, because look where we ended up,’ says Justin enthusiastically. ‘Maybe we needed to go through all that we’ve been through, to go off and experience another life, to bring us back together again. It’s like starting over...we’ve been given a second chance.’

Lauren pictures Simon, Noah, Emmy and Jude, and thinks,If only you knew.

18

Kate

‘Kate!’ exclaims Rose, as she opens her front door. Kate has a key, but given what happened the last time she was here, it doesn’t feel appropriate to let herself in.

‘Mum,’ says Kate, nervously. ‘Look, I’m so sorry...’

‘What’s happened?’ says Rose, panic etched on her features. ‘Is it Lauren? Is she all right?’

‘Lauren?’ says Kate, confused. ‘What’s Lauren got to do with anything?’

Rose ushers her into the hall. ‘You were seeing her tonight – to sort things out. What happened?’

Kate shakes her head. ‘I was seeing Lauren? Since when?’

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