Page 35 of The Half Sister

‘No, I can’t, not tonight.’

‘Tomorrow?’

She suddenly feels claustrophobic, as if he’s crowding her, demanding something she can’t give. But then she reminds herself that he doesn’t know any different. Whywouldn’the think she might be available tonight or tomorrow? That’s the short notice that single, unencumbered people can work to.

‘I might be able to do something tomorrow,’ she says, though her brain’s already registering how unfeasible that is. If Simon’s working, he’ll go to the pub straight from the job. If he’s not got any work, he might stay at home. She panics when she realizes that it doesn’t matter, as either way she can’t go anywhere.

‘When will you know?’ he asks.

‘I, er...I don’t know. I’ll need some time to sort things out.’ She imagines him asking what there is to sort out and her telling him that it’s just the small problem of getting rid of her controlling husband and drafting in her mother to look after the three children she’s denied having.

‘I’ll see what I can do,’ she says. ‘I’ll call you later.’

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘But Lauren...’

‘Yes?’ she says, feeling as if every word she utters is catching in her throat.

‘Do your best.’

She puts the phone down, his urgency resounding in her ears, not knowing whether it’s that which is causing her stomach to flip or the nostalgia that hearing his voice evokes. They were so young,tooyoung to be able to cope with the responsibilities that came with a teenage relationship turning into an adult one. If only they’d met later, when they both knew who they were and what they wanted.

‘Mum, can you do me a favour tomorrow night?’ she says as she walks into the house. She puts the solitary bag of shopping on the counter and absently clicks the kettle on.

‘Is that it?’ Rose asks, nodding towards the half-full bag.

Lauren can barely remember being in the supermarket, let alone what she’d bought.

She nods. ‘I might nip out and if Simon’s not about, I wondered if you would mind the kids for a bit.’

‘Of course,’ says Rose. ‘What are you up to?’

The words are accusing, but the tone in which she says them tells Lauren they’re not meant to be. Nevertheless, Lauren can feel her cheeks going red and she turns to put a jar of coffee in a cupboard already over-stocked with caffeine.

‘Erm...I’m going to try and get Kate out.’ It’s the first thing she can think of.

‘Oh, that would be lovely,’ enthuses Rose. ‘It would do you two the power of good to get together and sort out your differences.’

‘I’m sorry for the trouble this has all caused,’ says Lauren.

‘It can’t be helped,’ says Rose, in the sing-song voice she puts on when she means the exact opposite. ‘But you would have been wise to have thought about the consequences beforehand.’

‘I hate him,’ says Lauren, with such vitriol that she surprises even herself.

‘Don’t say that, darling,’ says Rose, sidling up beside her. ‘It would break his heart. He was your father and he loved you so very much.’

‘If he loved me, he’d never have done what he did,’ she cries. ‘How could he have had a baby with someone else, when all the time...he...he...?’ Her shoulders convulse and a sob escapes from her chest.

‘Lauren,’ implores Rose, taking her daughter’s hands in her own. ‘You have to leave this alone. You need to leave this in the past where it belongs. You can’t continue punishing yourself like this.’

‘I shouldn’t be the one being punished,’ cries Lauren. ‘Heshould.’

‘And don’t you think thatnotseeing his sixtieth birthday is punishment enough?’

Lauren looks down at her feet as tears fall onto her cheeks.

‘And don’t you think he knew what he’d done?’ soothes Rose. ‘That he knew how wrong he was.’

‘So why didn’t you stop him?’ sobs Lauren, feeling an overwhelming desire to lash out at her mother,at anything, just so she can release the years of pent-up frustration that swirl relentlessly around her body.

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