Page 88 of The First Mistake

‘No, he took the train straight to the office from the airport,’ says Alice. Not because that’s where she believes he is, but because that’s where he told her he was going. ‘How have the girls been?’

‘Livvy has been a dream.’

‘And Sophia?’

Linda rolls her eyes. ‘Like you were twenty years ago,’ she says.

Alice smiles, but she can’t help but think that actually, she and Sophia are nothing alike. Whilst Alice went through her teens as a troublesome bundle of hormones, not yet privy to knowing she’d grow out of it, Sophia is in a whole other world of hurt. In a place where sometimes Alice can’t reach her.

But who can blame her? She’s endured the horror of having her father walk out one morning and never come back, and for someone so young, it’s no surprise that those feelings of abandonment and paranoia are still so near to the surface. Scratch at Alice just a few weeks ago, and you would have found the same emotions, but she’s not sure they’d be there now.

‘I’d rather six Olivias than one surly teenager,’ says Linda. ‘But Sophia has been through a lot. She’s a good girl – she just needs a bit of time to find her place in the world.’

‘I know,’ says Alice, but she can’t help but wonder if there was any more shecouldhave,shouldhave done.

‘Just be honest,’ her mother had said, when they were told it was no longer viable for Tom to be found alive. ‘It’s all that you can do.’

Alice hadn’t had a minute to process her own grief, yet she was expected to impart the worst possible news to her seven-year-old daughter.

‘Would you like me to do it?’ her mother had asked gently, as the three of them huddled on the sofa together.

Alice had shaken her head, but a pool of nausea swirled in her stomach.

‘Sophia, I’ve got something to tell you,’ she’d said, her trembling hands holding her daughter’s.

‘Is Daddy coming home today?’ Sophia had squealed in delight, as she sat bouncing up and down excitedly.

Alice shook her head as her eyes filled with tears.

‘Shall we make some cookies?’ Sophia had asked, oblivious. ‘To give to him, when he gets here.’

Alice had pulled her close and breathed her in, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing with all her might that they could rewind a week, to a time when their worlds were normal. Now nothing would ever be normal again.

‘Daddy’s had an accident,’ Alice had said, slowly and deliberately. She didn’t want to get it wrong because Sophia would remember this moment for the rest of her life.

‘Is he okay?’ she’d asked.

‘He was skiing, and he got lost on the mountain.’

‘So when will he be coming home?’

‘They’ve been looking for him for the past three days and nights, but they can’t find him. They think he might have fallen down somewhere.’

Sophia had pulled a face. ‘Ouch. Is he hurt?’

Alice had felt she wasn’t doing a very good job and hated herself for delaying the truth, but she just wanted her daughter to have a few more moments of innocence. She’d felt her mum’s hand on her back, the presence and reassurance of one mother to another. Her lips had quivered, and her voice wobbled.

‘He’s dead,’ she’d managed.

She’ll never forget the look on Sophia’s face as the realization dawned.

‘So ... so Daddy’s not coming back?’ she’d stuttered. ‘Ever?’

Alice had shaken her head. ‘No, but he will always be here with us – he will always be with you wherever you are. Looking down on you, watching over you. Whenever you’re sad, he’ll be by your side, holding your hand.’

A big tear had dropped from Sophia’s cheek. ‘Will I feel him?’ she’d asked, looking up at her mum pitifully. ‘Will I feel his hand in mine?’

‘Y-yes, of course,’ Alice had choked. ‘You’ll know he’s there.’

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