Page 67 of The First Mistake

If I didn’t already feel guilty, I certainly did now.

‘Guess how much I got?’ he went on.

‘No, go on,’ I said, wondering if it even mattered anymore.

‘Seven thousand,’ he said, as excitedly as one can sound when they’re probably in traction and being held together with metal pins. I reminded myself of my tendency to over-dramatize.

‘Wow,’ I said, listlessly. ‘That’s amazing.’

‘It means she’ll be able to get cracking with the work,’ he said. ‘It’ll at least tide her over until the big one comes in. That’s if she decides to do it,of course.’

‘Let’s talk when you get back,’ I said. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come over?’

‘Honestly, I’m fine,’ he said. ‘I just wanted to let you know and to say I’m sorry. I’ll call you later, once I have more news.’

‘Okay.’

There was a pause before he said, ‘I love you.’

In that split second I almost knew he was going to say it, yet I still wasn’t ready for it and didn’t know how to respond. Would he think I was weak if I said it back? Would he hate me for not? I wanted to, because it’s how I felt, but my brain was waging a war against itself, weighing up the pros and cons of being honest.

‘You too,’ was what I eventually came up with, and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t enough – he deserved more.

‘See you, then,’ he said despondently, and I put the phone down, furious that I’d caused his insecurity all because I wanted to what? Save face? I couldn’t stop a tear from springing onto my cheek.

‘Hey, hey ...’ said Maria, as she carefully lifted a bourbon biscuit out of her tea and ate it whole before coming to sit down next to me. ‘What’s going on?’

‘He said, “I love you”,’ I blurted out.

She snorted. ‘Andthat’swhy you’re so upset?’

I nodded. ‘I didn’t say it back,’ I sobbed, and immediately realized how ridiculous I sounded.

To be fair to Maria, she didn’t do what I would have done if I’d been in her shoes. She refrained from slapping me around the cheek and telling me to pull myself together.

‘Andhe’s been in a car accident,’ I cried, as if it was secondary to me not telling him how I felt.

‘Okay, sonowI want to slap you,’ she said, making me laugh.

‘I’d do it to myself if I could,’ I said, sniffing.

‘There’s nothing to stop you,’ she smiled. ‘I assume he’s okay, if you’re able to stress about other inconsequential bollocks?’

I nodded, embarrassed.

‘So, he’s gone from being a complete dickhead two minutes ago to someone you love so much you can’t tell him?’

‘Something like that,’ I said, smiling.

25

I couldn’t wait to see Thomas when he eventually got home four days later. Despite his promise to go to his flat, he asked if I could just be patient for a little while longer as it was in a bit of a state, and all the time his arm was in a sling, he wasn’t able to get it ready for me.

‘You deserve more,’ he said on the phone. But I didn’t care where we met by then, I just needed to see him.

I jumped up onto him as I opened the door, wrapping my legs tightly around him, breathing him in, not wanting to ever let go.

‘Steady on,’ he laughed. ‘Watch the arm.’

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