Page 34 of The First Mistake

‘You need to understand how much AT Designs means to me,’ I say, careful to keep my voice gentle and my features soft. ‘We’ve worked so hard to get it where it is – you, me, Tom, all of us.’

‘Who are you doing it all for, Alice?’ he asks, turning away from me. ‘Because if it’s Tom, he’s not coming back.’

I swallow hard at his true words. No one is more aware of that than I am. ‘I’m doing it forus,’ I say. ‘You, me, the girls. It’s what keeps me sane.’ I attempt to smile but I know it’s not reaching my eyes.

‘Will you at least think about it?’ he says. ‘For us.’

I nod, but I’ve already made my decision. How can I risk the business when I’m not even convinced our marriage is going to survive? Despite his protestations on Saturday night, I’d allowed the poison of paranoia to worm its way through my system as soon as he’d gone to bed. At 11 p.m., I’d believed him and felt nothing but relief. By two o’clock the next morning, I was wallowing in self-pity and overcome with an incandescent fury that I’d allowed him to trick me. If I’d known where his ‘mistress’ lived, I would have gone round there and dragged her out by her hair.

Thankfully, when I woke up yesterday, my emotions were a little calmer despite the banging in my head, and we’d managed to have the kind of Sunday I wouldn’t have thought possible just a few hours before. We smiled at all the right times and asked the girls all the right questions over a roast dinner, but there was still a palpable feeling that something was off. The elephant in the room wasn’t so big that the girls would notice it, but it was there nevertheless. And the shadow of it still remains today, so how can I possibly plough everything I’ve worked for into something I know so little about?

And yes, Nathan’s right; Tomisstill at the forefront of my mind all these years later. Whether it be trying to second-guess what he’d do when Sophia plays up, to how he’d advise me to handle this very situation. I hear his voice so clearly, see his face so vividly, that it sometimes takes my breath away. He wouldn’t want me to risk throwing everything away. I know he wouldn’t. I just need to convince Nathan that’s whatIthink and not what I know Tom would have thought.

12

‘Are you coming up?’ Nathan asks that night, wrapping his arms around me as I iron Olivia’s school uniform.

I can’t help but stiffen at his touch and try to convince myself that I’m still reeling from David Phillips overstepping the mark. It’s easier that way, as it hurts too much to acknowledge that it’s actually Nathan I’m recoiling from.

‘No, you go on,’ I say, ‘I’ll be up in a bit.’ I reach over the ironing board for my wine glass on the table.

‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough?’ he asks, and I immediately feel my hackles rise.

‘No,’ I state firmly.

‘Don’t make this about you and me,’ he says, wearily.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘That,’ he exclaims, pointing to the wine glass and the bottle standing beside it. ‘You’re drinking more than I’ve ever known you to.’

I don’t want to admit that it’s a problem – that it’s become a crutch I need to lean on.

‘You’ve got to keep things in perspective,’ says Nathan, ‘and drinking isn’t going to help. Don’t confuse whatever’s going on with it being about us – because we’re good.’

‘Are we?’ I ask, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

‘Yes!’ he exclaims, as he comes towards me, pulling me in. ‘You’ve got a lot going on at the moment and you need to tackle everything one step at a time, otherwise it’ll feel too overwhelming.’

I wish I had his ability to compartmentalize everything, instead of having to live in the constant roar of noise as my brain battles to sort the wheat from the chaff.

‘Come on,’ he says, knowing me too well. ‘What’s causing the most grief inside that head of yours?’

I’m still struggling to prioritize it myself, and even if I could, I’m not sure I’d be able to express it.

‘Are you thinking about Japan?’ he asks.

I don’t want to say that it’s the least of my problems, so I nod instead.

‘Okay, well you know my views on it. I can only say it as I see it and I think it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we’d be crazy to miss. But, it’s ultimately your decision and I’ll stand by you whatever you decide.’

‘Will you?’ I ask, looking directly at him.

‘Yes, of course,’ he says. ‘Look, I can see why you’ve jumped to conclusions, but if I was having an affair, do you honestly think I would be so careless as to leave hotel bills and jewellery lying around?’

He attempts to laugh and I manage half a smile. He’s right. He’s an intelligent man who would have the art of subterfuge nailed if he wanted to. He wouldn’t allow an errant bouquet to turn up at the home of his wife instead of his mistress. Any indiscretions would be micro-managed, to within an inch of their lives.

‘I called the hotel in Tokyo and they confirmed that they’d given me the wrong bill. I only paid three hundred and twenty something dollars. You can check it against the company credit card if you like.’

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