Page 15 of The First Mistake

‘He’s not seen Millie since?’ I’d asked incredulously, my brain unable to compute how a father could do that. How can life be so unfair? How can it give men children they don’t want, and yet take away the fathers other children so desperately need?

She shook her head, her bottom lip trembling. ‘How could he do it to me, Alice?’ she remonstrated. ‘I gave him everything.’

I fell back into my chair, feeling suddenly and inexplicably drawn to my friend. Here was someone who could begin to understand what it felt like to have the person you love, the man you’ve shared so much with, disappear from your life. She knew how it felt to have the rug pulled out from underneath your feet, tossing you up in the air and making you wonder if you’ll ever come back down again.

I could have argued that at least her partner is alive, whilst mine is dead, but when I tried to put myself in her position, I was almost grateful that I was in mine. I couldn’t bear the thought that Tom hadchosento leave my life, and that of our child. He wasn’t given the choice – none of us were.

‘How ... how did you find out he was seeing someone else?’ I’d faltered, unable to get my head around what she was telling me.

‘Purely by chance. I’d gone away and had come back earlier than expected and there they were.’

A hand flew up to my mouth. ‘Oh my God.’

‘Yeah, so ...’ She’d looked out across the restaurant as her eyes filled with tears.

I’d reached across the table and placed my hand on top of hers. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine ... Is he still with the woman ...?’ I had almost added, ‘he left you for’, but it would have been too hurtful.

Sensing my predicament, she’d finished the sentence for me.

‘I have absolutely no idea,’ she’d said scathingly. ‘I imagine they’re playing happy families somewhere. Well, she got what she wanted, didn’t she?’

I’d pulled back, looking at her quizzically. ‘You sound like you’re blamingher. But it’s likely that she didn’t even know you existed.’

‘Of course she did,’ Beth had spat. ‘You know when the man you’re with is supposed to be with someone else.’

I’d wanted to argue the case, but I could tell by her hardened features that it wasn’t one I was going to win.

As a tear fell onto her cheek I’d moved to her side of the table, holding her close and gently pushing her auburn hair away from her wet face. ‘How could he do it, Alice? How could I not have known what was going on?’

‘How would any of us know?’ I’d offered reassuringly, thoughI wouldreverberated loudly around my head.

‘Don’t you ever worry about Nathan straying?’ she’d asked, as if reading my mind.

I had shaken my head. ‘That’s not on my radar. I’ve had worse happen to me, so when he’s late home, I worry more about his safety than who he might be sleeping with.’

‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ she’d slurred. ‘There’s no way Nathan would ever cheat. I mean, just look at you for God’s sake. He’d be out of his mind.’

I’d looked down at my slim legs, encased in tight dark denim jeans, and brushed imaginary crumbs from my cleavage, as it descended into the plunging neckline of a white T-shirt. I try my best to stay in shape, but my willpower isn’t always what it should be. Godmustbe a man, as no woman would be so cruel as to make chocolate, biscuits and crisps taste so darn good.

‘So, I’ve made a decision,’ says Beth, bringing me back to the here and now.

‘Oh,’ I murmur.

‘I’m going to find him,’ she says, abruptly.

‘Why?’ I ask. ‘You’ve done fine without him up until now, what’s changed?’

‘Because now it’s about Millie,’ she says. ‘I always knew this day would come – I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be any time soon. But I promised myself that as soon as she started asking about him, started realizing that she was different to other kids, I’d tell her about him.’

‘But she’s still young. Won’t it all be a bit much for her to take in and understand at the moment? There’s plenty of time for her to find him if she wants to.’

‘It wasn’t the right time before,’ she says, ‘but I feel it is now.’

I look at her, square in the eyes. ‘For you or for Millie?’

She bristles. ‘For Millie of course.’

‘You need to think very carefully about the impact of this on her. Once you open the can, the worms are going to keep coming out. You need to be ready and prepared for that.’

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