Page 14 of The First Mistake

‘I’m not, that’s the whole point.’ I no longer want to have this conversation, as I’m sure that once she hears my side, she’ll think I’m just as mad as Nathan does.

‘I’m not with you,’ she says, half laughing. ‘It’s younotgoing away that’s causing the problem?’

I nod. ‘He wants me to go to Japan, if we get this big job that we’re pitching for, but I’ve not been away without the girls since ...’

My voice breaks, and she leans across to put her hand on mine.

‘It’s a weird and complicated thing, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I think about it, I’m paralysed by fear.’

‘That’s understandable,’ she says soothingly. ‘Losing Tom like that was such a huge shock – I don’t imagine anything will ever be quite the same in your world again. What is it that panics you the most? The idea of something happening tothemwhile you’re away? Or the possibility of something happening toyou?’

‘Them. Me. Both.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’ I feel tears welling up in my eyes and bat them away. ‘Sorry, it’s just ...’

‘You don’t need to apologize, Alice,’ she says.

‘I just don’t feel comfortable leaving them,’ I say. ‘Tom walked out the door one day and he never came back. I wasn’t with him when he died and I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to save him. If we’d been together, he’d still be here, and that’s what constantly goes around in my head whenever I’m away from the girls. How can I save them if I’m not with them? It takes all my strength to drop them off at school each day. But Nathan doesn’t get it. He thinks I should be embracing the opportunity to go away, and now there’s a chance of us getting this job, it just feels as if I’ll be under even more pressure.’

‘Do youwantthe job?’ she asks.

‘Most days I want it more than anything,’ I say honestly. ‘It’s been in the pipeline for months and it’ll be such a huge coup for us. But on the days in between, I panic; about the stress it’ll put me under and that I might be forced to leave the girls.’

‘I get that, but the longer you worry about whatmighthappen to them, the less time you’ve got to enjoy yourself and live the best possible life you can live.’

She sounds like Nathan.

‘You, more than most, know how short life is.’

I nod. ‘Yet ironically that makes me fear it all the more.’

‘Look around you,’ she says. ‘You’ve got it all. A husband who clearly adores you, two beautiful children, a gorgeous house, money in the bank.’

I sniff and muster a smile.

‘And not only that, but you’re a talented interior designer who is, touch wood, in good health.’

I put a hand on top of my head. ‘God willing.’

She does the same as she brings her glass to her lips.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be morose,’ I say, holding back from adding ‘or sound ungrateful’, knowing that must surely be what she thinks of me. I look at her and chastise myself for bemoaning the amazing life that I lead when hers is a daily struggle.

‘I’m sorry to ramble on,’ I say. ‘How’s things with you?’

‘Not bad,’ she says sadly. ‘I had an interesting chat with Millie yesterday.’

‘Oh?’

‘Yeah, she asked me about her dad.’

I look at her over the top of my glass, trying to read her expression. Her facial muscles contract and there’s a pulse below her eye. Talking about her ex is always a thorny issue and I know her well enough now to gauge whether she’s in the mood to talk about him or not.

Like all of us, Beth had been convinced she’d know if her other half was playing away. On one of our many nights out, my bravery enhanced by three glasses of rosé, I’d asked, ‘Was there no part of you that heard alarm bells or saw the signs?’

‘Nope,’ she’d said. ‘I was so in denial, or insanely trusting, whichever way you want to look at it, that I hadn’t a clue.’

‘So when did he last see Millie?’

‘He hasn’t,’ she said, her words a little slurry, or maybe my ears just had a blush-infused mesh over them. ‘He left when I was pregnant and we never saw him again.’

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