Page 28 of Edge of Unbroken

I nod, even though he can’t see me. “Over Christmas break.” Julie squeezes past me and winks at me. “I’m heading home Wednesday, though.”

He sighs. “Shit, I’m a selfish asshole. We’ve been talking about my crap this whole time, and I haven’t even asked you how you are or what you’re up to.”

“You’re neither selfish nor an asshole,” I say. “You kind of have a lot going on right now.”

“So do you,” he says. “How are you, baby?”

I giggle at his question and repeat the answer he gave me when I asked him earlier how he was feeling. “I feel like my heart might explode in my chest because I’m so excited that I’m talking to you right now.”

He chuckles. “And other than that?”

“Do you want the honest answer, or the standard reply I give everyone who asks me how I’ve been since you left?” I ask, knowing he wouldn’t want anything but the truth.

“I want you to tell me how youreallyare.”

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. “I’m taking it day by day,” I confess. “I miss you so terribly, and I worry about you. I hate not being able to talk to you, I hate not being in your arms, I hate not kissing you, touching you, hearing your voice, inhaling your scent, getting texts from you, and I hate that you’re hurting. I wish I could fast-forward time.” The words spill out of me. “I want to take all your pain away, Ran. It feels like everything is sideways right now.”

“That’s because everythingissideways. But as long as it’s sideways with you, it’s more bearable,” he says. “I wish I could talk to you more, or that I could at least have my phone so I could look at pictures of you or text you. It’s driving me crazy that I have no way of hearing your voice,” he says. “I wish I could make my therapist understand that…”

“That what?”

He sighs. “That you’re the one thing in my life that makes it easier. You always have,” he says, and my breath catches at his heartfelt words. “I met you right when things started to really unravel at home, and even though the stuff there was worse than it had ever been before, I also felt happier than I ever had in my life because I had you. When I’m with you, everything else just sort of recedes into the background.”

“I feel the same way,” I confess. “I mean, you make me happier than I’ve ever been.”

“But how can I?” he asks, frustrated. “Cat, the thing is, I always knew that somehow, someday, you’d end up getting hurt because of the shit that is my life, but I just couldn’t stay away from you. I can’t not be with you, and there are a lot of times when I feel like shit about it. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You shouldn’t have to sit around for months without getting to talk to your boyfriend. Fuck, you shouldn’t have to sit in some hospital, you shouldn’t have to worry or hurt like you have, baby. I’m so, so sorry,” he finishes with another deep sigh.

It takes me a moment to organize my thoughts after Ronan just bared his feelings to me, and I suddenly understand what he always meant when he said he wasn’t good enough for me or that he didn’t deserve me.

“Maybe you’re right,” I say. His breath hitches, and I quickly say, “But you shouldn’t have to deal with any of this, either. Remember when you told me that what Adam did to me wasn’t my fault? The same goes for you. Everything your mother did to you, that wasn’t your fault, Ran. And you should’ve never been hurt by the one person who should love you unconditionally. She should’ve never made you question whether you’re worthy of love and affection. She should never have laid a hand on you. You didn’t deserve or ask for anything that’s happened to you. You didn’t choose this.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“I don’t care how long I have to wait to talk to you, just as long as I get to hear your voice at all. And I would’ve sat in that hospital until the end of time if that had been the only way I could be with you. I want to be with you. I love you. You deserve to be loved. You’re good, and kind, and smart, and funny, and yes, you make me happy. So damn happy. And I’ll keep telling you these things until I run out of air.”

“I hope you never run out of air,” he says quietly, “because I may need to hear you say these things a few more times.”

“I’ll repeat it so much you’ll get sick of me.”

“I don’t think I could ever get sick of you, but feel free to try,” he says. “God, Cat, I wish you were here right now.”

“I wish I was there, or that you were here. Whatever, I just want to be wherever you are. Do you know when you’re coming home?” I ask, even though I already know the answer in my gut.

“No idea. I don’t think anytime soon. I don’t think Doctor Seivert is happy with the speed of my progress. I kind of blew up at her last week,” he admits sheepishly.

“But she let you call me. Shemustthink you’re making sufficient progress.”

“Maybe,” he says. “Let’s not talk about that, though. Tell me what you’ve been up to. I just want to hear your voice for as long as I can. How’s North Carolina? How was your Christmas? How is everyone else? Shane doing okay?” he rattles off.

I grant him his request and yap his ear off about my trip, school, our friends, and what I’ve been up to until our time to talk is almost up.

“You have no idea how much better I feel after talking to you,” he says. It’s true, his voice does sound lighter, even after we hit on some heavier topics earlier.

“Me, too. I feel like I got a little Ronan fix.”

He laughs. “I hope it’s enough to hold you over for the week.”

“I hope so, too. But between getting to hear your voice, the updates from Steve, and wearing your shirt to bed at night, I should be okay for seven days,” I say. “And if I dream about you that would be an added bonus.”

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