We drive in silence for a while, music playing quietly in the background, while Miranda looks out the passenger window, watching the snowy landscape. I think I may need to break the rules again tonight, sneak out of bed, and call Cat. I hate waking her in the middle of the night, but I’m desperate for her, my heart aching in my chest. It’s always like that, but even more pronounced when I encounter triggers, when I’m having a rough day or a difficult therapy session. She’s such an anchor for me.
I finally break the silence in the truck. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry.”
Miranda faces me. “Really?”
“Yeah. I didn’t even know you could do that,” I say with a smirk.
A smile breaks through her sadness. “Oh, I can. I just save it all up for special occasions,” she says. “It’s honestly been a while.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know, like a couple of years?” she says. “How about you, Rony? When was the last time you cried?”
I huff. “Who the fuck knows. Years.”
“Years?”
"Yeah."
“Well, it’s kind of cathartic.” She sounds utterly exhausted.
“Is it?”
She nods. “Uh-huh. You should try it some time. It’s nice to just… get it out occasionally. God…” She sighs. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. I’m sorry for the way he talked to you.”
I glance at her before returning my gaze to the road. “Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. First of all, the shit he said to me today isn’t anything I haven’t heard before. Well, minus the fuck boy part. And second, you know that none of the bullshit he said to you today, or ever, is true, right?”
She looks at me doubtfully.
“Randi, you’re an incredible person. You’re a badass and you deserve so much better. You’re smart and kind, and, man, even after all the shit your dad has put you through you care so damn much about him. You’re a good person, Randi.”
Her eyes well up with tears again. “Doesn’t feel that way, honestly. I feel like I abandoned him.”
“You didn’t abandon him. He kicked you out, remember?”
“Yeah, but when I first left—when you moved back to New York, and I just left Montana—I abandoned him.”
“But did you really abandon him, or did you just try to protect yourself?” I ask. “He’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want you around. And that honestly says nothing about you and everything about him.” I move my arm across the center console to take her left hand, squeezing it.
“You forgot to say how damn beautiful I am,” she suddenly says, a sly grin on her face.
“What?”
“When you said I was smart and kind and stuff, you forgot to say ‘beautiful,’” she says, a full-fledged smirk on her face now.
“I did, huh?”
She shrugs. “Obviously.”
I chuckle and roll my eyes. “Right, well, you’re smart, kind, and beautiful.”
“There you go,” she says with an appreciative nod. “Thank you, Rony. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.” She sighs and leans her head against my right shoulder while we continue our drive.
Saturday, March 12th
Ronan
“Fuck,” I moan quietly, unable to stop myself or regulate my heavy breathing.