Page 87 of Edge of Unbroken

We were scrambling, trying to corner the bulls when one charged at me and knocked me off my feet, causing me to land in a giant puddle of mud and tweak my right knee in a way that caused the edges of my vision to go black. It hurt so badly that I was only able to get up with the help of both Thomas and my grandfather. My grandpa insisted on calling his doctor, who met my grandfather and me at the small hospital in Redtail Ridge to examine my knee. Luckily nothing’s broken, and the hardware that holds my kneecap together appears to be intact, but my knee is nonetheless pretty angry.

I’ve been icing the shit out of it, stubbornly refusing to go back to using crutches, which had been the bane of my existence for way too long. I’ve been taking it easy all morning, resting as much as possible, while my grandmother has been doting on me.

It’s one o’clock on the dot when I limp into the kitchen to retrieve the phone and dial my dad’s number. I usually get our calls over with as quickly as possible so I can talk to Cat, but I’m even more impatient today after our failed phone rendezvous last weekend and the lackluster conversation we had the Sunday before. My inability to speak with Cat has left me feeling wired, my nerves frayed with the perceived instability and chaos in my life. Cat has always had the strange ability to calm the waters for me simply by being present. She’s my anchor, my stabilizer, and I’m utterly adrift without her.

“Ran?” my dad answers the phone, his voice tight. “Athair called me last night. How’s your knee?”

“It’s fine,” I say quickly.

He chuffs into the phone. “Ran, please,” he says, his deep voice an impatient growl, perfectly aware that I just did what I always do—I placate people, give them the response I think they want, but not actually the truth. It’s partially related to the way I was raised by my mother. I’ve learned to suppress most everything deeper than “fine.” Sadness wasn’t tolerated, and neither were anger or even happiness. I either got punished or taken down a peg.

“Okay, it hurts,” I say. “I’ve been icing it though and keeping it elevated. I’m sure it’ll be okay in a few days, I just moved it wrong.”

“Yeah, it sounded like you took a pretty nasty fall yesterday. Ran, I want you to be careful.”

“I am, Dad, I promise. It’s not like I decided to take a spill on purpose to test out how sturdy the plate in my knee is. Trust me, the last thing I want is to drag this shit out longer than necessary. I wish things were back to normal. I miss… everything,” I sigh.

He’s silent for a moment, then takes a deep breath in. “I hate to make things worse, but I have some bad news, bud,” he says. “Onyx is gone.”

I don’t immediately comprehend, but a piercing pain in my chest tells me Onyx didn’t run away. “What? What do you mean she’s gone?” I squeeze my eyes shut.

“She wasn’t doing well after you left. She wasn’t eating and just slept on your bed all the time. At first I thought she just missed you, but she lost a bunch of weight so quickly. I took her to the vet yesterday. She was very sick, Ran, and in a lot of pain. The vet thought the most humane thing to do was to put her to sleep and not let her suffer.”

I have no idea how to respond, what to say. We got Onyx when I was only six. She was originally supposed to be a bomb-sniffing dog for the military but wasn’t found to have a suitable temperament—she got too distracted by people, didn’t focus on the task at hand, seeking head scratches instead—so my dad brought her home with him. My mom wasn’t enchanted by the idea at all, and Steve and I took over caring for Onyx pretty much right away, with most of the responsibility falling squarely on my shoulders. This eventually led to Onyx viewing me as her main person, and I could always count on her to comfort me when things were bad at home, which happened more and more frequently as I got older. Of course, I knew she wouldn’t be around forever, but I’d be lying if I said I was expecting this news from my dad today.

“I’m sorry, Ran,” my dad says when I don’t speak after a good minute of silence. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” It takes significant effort to keep my voice from cracking, to ignore the tightness in my chest like a rhino decided to take a seat on my rib cage.

“Listen, I don’t want to keep you on the phone. You could probably really use hearing Cat’s voice right now. I’ll let you get off with me so you can call her.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I say, swallowing hard.

“Check in with me next week and give your knee some rest. Please, buddy. Take it easy. You’re in Montana to heal.”

“Okay. I will,” I say, and we end our conversation.

Like every Sunday, my heart rate quickens as I dial Cat’s number. I’m eager to hear her voice, like it’s a drug hitting my bloodstream. I can’t wait for the fix. I send a silent prayer that she answers today. I need her. So desperately.

“Hi sweet boy,” Cat greets me after only one ring.

I exhale audibly, shutting my eyes as my body comes to rest.Thank God.“Hey baby,” I say, unable to hide the heaviness in my voice.

“Aww, Ran, did you just talk to your dad?” I can tell she already knows about Onyx by the inflection in her voice.

“Uh-huh,” I sigh. “Do you know about Onyx?”

“Yeah. Stevie told us yesterday. I’m so sorry,” she says sweetly. I register the sound of her closing the door to her room.

“Yeah, me too.” I sigh as I lean back on my bed, letting my head hit my pillow.

“What do you need from me, Ran? What can I do?”

“I don’t really know.” Right now, I really have no clue what I need other than to maybe go to sleep and pretend the last five months didn’t actually happen. “Maybe just talk to me about anything.” I let my eyes fall shut.

“Okay.” She thinks for a few seconds, then begins to talk about her previous day, how she went ice skating with my brother and Shane. As always, her voice is soothing to my soul, and I relax, the tension leaving my shoulders as she tells me all about how she’s been trying to improve her skating skills.

A smile breaks across my face at the realization that she’s been practicing regularly with Shane and Steve. I swear, she slowly but surely manages to bring the color back into my life when everything had just been gray tones these past few months.

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