Page 56 of Edge of Unbroken

Ugh, this is going to be a long few days before I’ll get to speak with him on Sunday, but that doesn’t stop me from hatching a plan to interrogate Steve about Miranda as soon as I get the chance.

I’m standing by my locker, grabbing textbooks to shove in my backpack when I feel eyes on me, notice the whispering. I take a deep breath and shake my head at the incessant rumor mill churning, the gossip about Ronan and me on people’s tongues. I’m mostly immune to it now, have built some resilience to the hurtful stories that I’m somehow to blame for the pain Ronan has endured and for his sudden exit. But my ears perk up when I hear one girl say, “Well, she’s obviously got a type. Hockey players.” Another girl whispers back, “Yep. Used up the forward, already moving on to the goalie.”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Saturday, January 8th

Ronan

“So, Tensley and Devin, how are you enjoying yourselves so far?” my grandmother asks when everyone gathers for lunch at my grandparents’ home.

“Oh, it’s absolutely wonderful,” Tensley chirps. “It’s so peaceful out here. I’ve been journaling in the mornings to create some mindfulness, and Riley took us on the most beautiful snowy ride.”

“We were wondering if there’s anything to do in the evenings, though,” Devin says.

“Like what?” Elias asks, the heels of his boots clopping against the hardwood.

“I don’t know, like a bar or a club or something?” Devin says.

I kick off my boots. “The nearest club is probably in Missoula—about a two-hour drive from here.”

“But there’s Sterling’s in town,” Elias says with a glint in his eyes. “That’s only about an hour drive, and they have live music on the weekends.”

“Oh, sweet,” Devin says. “You guys wanna go?” he asks Elias and me just as my grandpa walks into the house followed by Erin and Martin.

“Welcome back, everyone! How was the ride?” my grandfather asks Tensley and Devin, both of whom have red cheeks from the cold but otherwise look happy.

“So beautiful,” Tensley sing-songs. “We were just talking about what there is to do in the evening and Elias here told us about a place named Sterling’s.”

“Oh, yes, Sterling’s is fun,” Erin says.

“So, do you guys want to go?” Devin asks Elias and me.

“Sorry, man, I’d love to, but Ran and I have to get up really early,” Elias says, obviously disappointed.

Elias has never really known anything other than living on the ranch. He’s a couple of years older than me. Thomas was married to Elias’s mom for a few years. They lived on the ranch, until Elias’s mom decided she had enough not only of ranch life, but also of her marriage and apparently parenthood because she just ditched Thomas and Elias when Elias was about six months old. Steve was born only months later, and I followed just over a year after that. But while Steve and I kept moving between New York and Montana—with a twelve-month period where we lived in Tennessee, Georgia, and Virginia—Thomas and Elias never left Montana. To say Elias is sheltered would be a real fucking understatement, and I can practically see Elias champing at the bit to spend some time in town and at Sterling’s tonight.

My grandma can obviously read Elias just as well because she waves him off. “Why don’t you boys take Tensley and Devin to Sterling’s tonight? I’m sure Perry and Thomas will be fine for a few hours in the morning.”

My gaze snaps to my grandma. I didn’t expect her to suggest I tag along. She’s usually strict about me doing things she considers inappropriate for my age, and I’d think going to a bar falls into that category. Plus, I really don’t want to go out tonight, and especially not to a place like a club or a bar, which is bound to be full of people.

I’ve never been one to live for huge outings, even Shane’s epic parties. I was there because my best friends were there and, before I met Cat, obviously, for potential hookups. Other than that, I was always perfectly content being surrounded just by the seven people I care most about. They were my escape, my sanctuary. They were just… they were my people, which made it so damn confusing when I suddenly began to crave time away from them. Being around them was always invigorating, until it wasn’t, until it was draining. And not becausetheywere draining, but becauseIwas draining them.

I knew I was keeping everyone down; I knew they were ready to move on from what had happened. I mean, they never said it, but how could they not be? I never wanted them to know in the first place. I was burdening them with my inability to just… snap out of it. I tried, but it felt…feelslike I’m hanging on by a thread with some indistinct dark-shadow monsters grabbing onto me and pulling me down. As much as I tried to do what I had always done—ignore the pain—I found myself completely unable to do so once I came home from the hospital. And every day it became more difficult until, eventually, all I wanted was to sleep. And not wake up.

I haven’t had those really dark thoughts in a few weeks now, but I still prefer isolation over socializing, prefer quiet over being around a bunch of people. Lunch and dinner—at the table surrounded by my extended family, Thomas, Elias, and any guests—is still exhausting, especially if I’m required to actively partake in conversation. But at least I’m sitting at the damn table now, right? One day at a time.

“I don’t know, Morai, would it be okay if I stay in, maybe? My knee’s—”

My grandma interrupts me, obviously not buying my bullshit excuse of my knee bothering me. “You’re going,” she says. “You and Elias need to get off the ranch for a little bit,” she says, the corners of her eyes crinkling with her smile. She’s trying to push me back out of my comfort zone.

Elias raises his eyebrows at her. “Are you sure, Saoirse?” He’s practically bubbling over with excitement. Good for him. I wish I was as enthusiastic.

“Absolutely,” she says warmly. “Just behave yourselves, boys. And baby boy”—she turns her attention to me— “you’re underage. No drinking! I don’t care if Sterling turns a blind eye; I will not!” she says of Sterling’s owner, then ushers everyone into the dining room.

***

We make it to Sterling’s just after eight that evening, and as I had anticipated, the place is packed. I imagine it’s mostly like this on the weekends considering Sterling’s is the only real source of entertainment within about a seventy-mile radius of this tiny town. So this is really the only establishment to escape to after a week of laborious work, to blow off some steam, maybe get piss-drunk, find someone to hook up with, I don’t know. It’s a sizeable place with a stage to the right and the bar to the left, tables and chairs taking up a good chunk of the available floor space, though an open area provides room for people to dance. There are a couple of pool tables and dart boards in the back, all of which are already claimed by bar patrons.

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