Page 127 of Edge of Unbroken

My dad’s gasp is audible, the air whooshing from his throat as if I just drove a sword into his chest.

“I did what I could to keep Adam at bay and to keep those photos from being posted. I did horrible things, Dad. I stole from my friends…” I trail off, fresh tears threatening to spill from my eyes. My heart hurts to know that I sold the only thing Ronan ever gave me—those beautiful skates that held so much meaning, were his unspoken expression of love, of how much he enjoyed spending time with me. And I sold them to prevent the people I care most about from being disappointed in me. Only I didn’t make it better, I made it worse. “I didn’t want you to know what I had done,” I say. “I didn’t want you to see the pictures because I was afraid of your reaction.”

My dad releases a heavy sigh. “God, Cat. I never meant to give you the impression that you couldn’t come to me with… with uncomfortable things. I didn’t want you to think that you weren’t permitted to make mistakes.”

There’s sadness in my dad’s eyes, but I don’t let him off the hook because it occurred to me last night that the reason Adam was able to manipulate me the way he does…did, was because my dad had been manipulating me all my life. Sure, he didn’t do it with malicious intent like Adam, but he taught me what was expected of a “good girl,” which was to acquiesce, to stay sweet and quiet and not make a fuss. I was to be self-respecting in all things, even in situations I had no control over. It was up to me to ensure I didn’t get hurt or taken advantage of. If bad things happened, it was obviously because I did something to invite it.

My dad has been controlling so many aspects of my life, has been steering me in directions I didn’t feel like going, and when I defied him, he made sure to let me know it was a mistake.

“But you did, Dad. You are so dismissive of my feelings. You are dismissive of anything that isn’t your idea. You tell me not to let others guide me, yet you do exactly that. You always try to guilt me into doing what you think is the ‘right’ thing without ever asking if that’s actually what I want. You don’t allow me to try myself out, you don’t give me room and grace to experience life and, yes, to make mistakes.” I realize I’m no longer crying. My voice is even but firm. I feel empowered. I love the feeling.

Time to bring it home.

“And you are always so dismissive of Ran and how I feel about him, even though you haven’t met him and… I don’t know, it just feels like, maybe I shouldn’t talk to you about these things, you know? I just… It doesn’t feel safe when I do.”

My dad seemingly crumbles. “You don’t feel safe with me,” he chokes, and buries his face in his hands.

My instinct is to reach out, to comfort him, tell him I didn’t mean it. But when the sun rose this morning I knew I could no longer allow myself to be manipulated. Neither by people who try to take advantage of me, nor the people I love. I have to stop looking out only for others. I have to start looking out for myself, too. I have to protect my peace.

I shake my head at him. “No, I don’t. Not emotionally,” I say. “I don’t trust you with my feelings, my wants, my needs. You don’t see me as… as a woman. You don’t look at me as a full person who can make her own decision, as someone who should get to make mistakes and know that her parents are there to catch her if she falls.”

“But, Kitty, wearehere to catch you when you fall.”

I shake my head again. “But you will make damn certain that I know how much I screwed up. You let me fall, you let me faceplant, you will let me lie in my blood for a moment before you pick me up, and then you will look me straight in the face and say, ‘You knew better.’ That’s not helpful, Dad. It makes me not want to open up to you. When you talk about my ‘boyfriend,’ or dismiss my deep love for him as just a silly little crush, that hurts, Dad!”

“But—”

“Was what you felt for Mom at seventeen a silly little crush? When you decided to get married right out of high school and move to North Carolina together, was that a silly little crush? Are you going to tell me that you ‘threw away your life’ when you decided you’d follow Mom to the end of the world?”

His eyes are wide as he studies me with the expression of someone who just had his entire worldview turned upside down. Slowly, he shakes his head. “No.” He takes a deep breath. “Kitty, I never meant… I never—”

I’m not done. “I’ve decided to turn down my acceptance to Duke.” There. I said it. Nail in the coffin. Whatever happens now, at least I spoke my truth.

My dad is rendered speechless, at least momentarily. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it again. Finally, he nods, his nostrils flared the smallest bit. He’s trying to maintain his composure after I just told him my emotions aren’t safe with him. “Why?” he just asks. I’m gaining ground and I’m proud of myself. “Is this… Is your decision because of your boyf… because of Ronan?”

I have to actively stop my lips from quirking up. For the first time in my life, it feels as though my dad heard me. Actually, truly heard me.

“Ran’s not the only reason for my decision, but he absolutely played a part,” I say, noting the crease briefly trying to settle on my dad’s brow, but he once again resists.

“Cat, I want to be supportive of your choice, but just because a boy tells you not to attend college in a different state—”

I shake my head. “You want to know what Ran said when I opened my Duke letter with him on the phone? When I told him I got in? He said the only thing he cares about is that I’m happy, and if Duke is where I see myself being happy, then that’s where I should go.”

I cross my arms in front of my chest as I study my dad, waiting for his reaction to the fact that Ronan is more protective of my heart than my own father has ever been.

My dad’s eyes are wide, incredulous. “He said that?”

I nod. “He did. Ran has never made me feel unsafe with him. Not physically and not emotionally. He was the only one to tell me that what Adam did to me was abuse, and he”—my voice suddenly cracks—“when I told him on Sunday what Adam was doing to me, he immediately got off the phone with me and made sure my friends came to the house and I wasn’t alone,” I say, my heart aching in my chest at the thought that I still haven’t spoken to Ronan since then, at my betrayal of him, and the terrible hurt I inflicted on him. But I shake it off for now. “Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want. And I really tried to take Ran and my feelings for him out of the equation. I went back and forth, the pros and cons—Duke, NYU, Duke, NYU. And, Dad, it was a total wash,” I say with a shrug. “I didn’t care either way. And then I thought to myself: so what if the deciding factor is Ran? WhatifI stayed in New York so I can be with him? Is that such a bad thing? That I’ve found a guy who’s good to me and who loves me and whom I want to spend my time with? I’ll get an amazing education from either university, but if I can get that education while simultaneously being close to someone who makes me truly, deeply happy, why shouldn’t I do that, Dad?”

“But, Cat, you’re so young. And so is Ronan. What if it doesn’t last?”

“And what if it does, Dad? You and Mom were young, too, and look at you guys! I have the chance to do what you and Mom did. Don’t you want that for me?”

My dad’s eyes well up with tears, and I know with absolute certainty that I’ve made my point.

Mic drop.

Saturday, March 19th

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