Page 49 of Bound and Blitzed

Tears burn the backs of my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. I’m in the wrong. I’m the one who feels scattered and emotionally untethered. That’s not fair to Avery.

“Hey,” he murmurs. He moves to the side of the couch, pulls his boxers up, and crouches next to me. “Hey. Lena, look at me.”

I close my eyes, pulling in a deep breath to calm my erratic breathing.

Avery’s fingertips are warm on my chin. I lift my gaze to his and nearly weep at the compassion in his eyes. Understanding I don’t deserve. A steadiness that makes me feel infinitely better and somehow, worse.

“It’s okay,” Avery says sincerely. His expression is open, inviting me in to read his emotions. And they’re not rejection and anger. Or hurt and frustration.

They’re warm and trusting and honest.

“It’s okay,” he repeats. “We don’t have to do this. Not tonight. I didn’t mean to push you or?—”

“You didn’t,” I say, my voice cracking. I sigh and drop my head back, willing the tears to stay in my body and not leak out. Once I’ve collected myself, I meet his eyes again. I pull down my shirt, covering myself. I right my shorts. It’s incredible that all that transpired and somehow, I’m still clothed. Right now, I’m relieved for the layers of clothing, my pajamas, as they make me feel less vulnerable. “I wanted to…I want you and…” I trail off, shaking my head.

Avery is unbothered by my contradicting words. He continues to watch me, to wait for me to gather my thoughts. He’s patient and considerate and… I don’t deserve him. I married a man I never thought I’d feel this much for and the worst part about it is I know I’ll never be good enough to truly be his.

Not when I can’t even have sex with him. Not when the thought of surrendering my body to him completely causes me to react like…this!

But what about your heart?my subconscious hisses.

Dane didn’t just make me feel used physically. He broke something intrinsic inside of me. He shook my foundation, rattled my trust in myself, made me question everything about my interactions with the opposite sex. With men who are elite athletes. With relationships and trust.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Avery. I did,” I say finally.

He disagrees. “There’s nothing wrong about what we did or didn’t do tonight, Valentina. I’m here for whatever you want to give me. Watching you come apart underneath me was a fucking gift and I recognize that this is a big deal for you.”

I force myself to hold his gaze.

“It’s a big deal for me too,” he admits quietly. “Because the feelings I have when I’m with you…they’re new for me. Everything with you feels new. Better.”

“Everything with you feels better too. It’s overwhelming and scary sometimes.”

He frowns. “I don’t want you to feel scared with me.”

I shake my head. “I misspoke. I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of how much I feel for you. This is so new…we’re figuring everything out and…it’s a lot,” I finish lamely.

Tell him about Dane!my mind yells.

But what would I even say?I barely understand the whole of it. And recounting that stretch of months of my life makes me feel fifteen again.

Insecure. Unsteady. Naïve.

Hopeful in a way I know I’ll never feel again.

“It is a lot,” Avery whispers, brushing my hair away from my face. He gives me a lopsided grin.

“I’m sorry, Avery.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Trust me, tonight was amazing. One of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.”

“For me too,” I murmur.

Avery shifts back to tug up his pants. “Are you tired?”

I want to fib and say yes. I want to escape to our bed, alone, and cry into my pillow until sleep comes.

But I don’t want to lie to him any more than I already have tonight. Well, I haven’t lied per se. I’ve…omitted things. Things that would help him understand me, but things I’m not ready to share.

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