Page 61 of Out to Find Freedom

By the end of it though, we’d both known it wouldn’t work. He’d dropped me back to Ivy’s café, where she’d been waiting for me since I refused to be picked up from home. I hadn’t wanted him to know where I lived. When he’d left Ivy’s café, we’d hugged. He hadn’t even gone in for a kiss. While we’d enjoyed each other’s time together, he wasn’t….

He wasn’t the one I wanted to be out with.

The one I wanted to talk with.

The one I dreamed of.

He wasn’t the man who constantly played on my mind.

It annoyed and angered me.

Why wasn’t I good enough for Ryan?

Was it my age? My personality? Then again, he had never taken the time to get to know the real me. Could it be my looks? My scars?

I didn’t know, and I’d been wondering a lot lately if I should try and reach out myself.

If I texted, would he answer?

If I rang—though even the thought made me break out in a sweat—would he answer?

Reaching out, I stroked a finger over my phone.

I picked it up and rolled to my back, lighting up the screen. First, I went to Spotify—the app Julian had installed for the music—and pressed on my folder for country music. It started with a song about breaking hearts, and even though it was sad, I smiled. I grinned because it was country music and it always reminded me of Ryan.

I licked my dry lips and went into my messages.

My stomach and heart felt one and the same, like they both wanted out of my body before I did what I was about to do.

I pulled the covers up more. Even on the warm nights, my body chilled with nerves.

Once I read over the questions he’d sent me so many months ago, it was finally time to answer them. Then the ball would be in his court. If he messaged back, I would know he wanted something from me. Even if it was friendship, I wouldn’t complain because Ryan would be in my life. My heart may hurt for a while, but I would make myself get over it.

I’ve never had nachos, but my favourite food right now would be… pizza. Who doesn’t love a good slice of barbeque meatlovers?Having gone without pizza for such a long time, when I’d tried it again with Julian and Mattie, I decided there and then that I would eat it every day for the rest of my life. If I could get away with it. Along with chocolate, of course.

To answer about reading, yes, I love it. I read over watching TV all the time.

Of course you had to ask if I liked sports. The answer is I’ve never really watched any. I might like football, as you do, but I haven’t figured that out yet.I wished I had the strength to add that I’d find out with him when he watched it, but I didn’t.

When you asked: Is Emmie short for something? And you provided your guesses, I laughed at each one of them. Especially Emmit. At least you know what it’s short for now.I still found myself laughing over his suggestions.

Has Butch stolen any more lunches from you? Have you hit him yet for it?

You questioned: Are you okay? I can finally say, yes, I am okay.And it had a lot to do with his help.

Do you like Disney? I’ve never really seen a Disney movie. Before my dad died, I spent my days on the farm, mainly feeding the animals, cleaning up after them, mowing, cleaning, and sometimes cooking if I wanted to eat something without wanting to throw up. Dad’s cooking had been hit and miss. It was miss a lot of the times. Still, he was the best Dad there was.

When you wrote: Some days I hate my job when I can’t find the answers I want. My heart went out to you. I didn’t know at the time what you did for a living. Now I understand it more, and I hope with whatever you’re working on you find the answers fast.

It took me five goes to press Send. Immediately, I regretted it, having forgotten it was so late. I hoped I hadn’t woken him; that would be annoying.

When I didn’t receive anything back half an hour later, I forced myself to put my phone down and roll away from it. Eyes wide open, I stared at the wall, my brain working overtime. Had I made the right choice in texting him?

Had I come across too strong? Could he tell I liked him from my answers? Did he think I was just a naïve young girl hero-worshipping him?

What would happen if I mentioned that time I saw him with the woman? How it made me feel, how I wished it was me who he was with?

No, that would definitely be embarrassing, creepy, and could make me sound like a foolish little girl.

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