Page 24 of Out to Find Freedom

Which had me replying with how I was going to stop messaging him, and I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. How I was sorry.

I had been sorry. For annoying his life, for not having him in mine, for thinking I could continue whatever this was… a budding friendship, with attraction on my part for him. Still, it would end.

It had to.

I just had to keep telling myself that.

And when he didn’t reply, I wiped away the annoying tears and welcomed anger in. Anger at myself for replying so quickly to him when I saw his text. I should have left it alone.

Sighing, I put the phone away and went to grab my lunch off the floor. Taking it to the bed, I sat down to eat, but I wasn’t feeling hungry all of a sudden. Instead, I placed it on the floor and curled my knees up to my chest. I’d allow the memory of his voice to float through my mind. It would help to keep me going until I could be free, either living or not.

Hours later, and finally done with more tears, I got up from the bed only to sink back down. My legs were weak. I then ate what I could from the plate. Half of the peanut butter sandwich. I used to eat twice as much, but I couldn’t stomach it any longer. I knew the weight I’d lost could be a danger in the end. If I got sick, I couldn’t be sure I’d bounce back from it.

It could be a blessing. But when I still felt there was a chance, it was simply another nightmare I had to face. At least I had a substantial amount of water from the sink in the small bathroom, so I knew I would never dehydrate. If I remembered correctly, a person could live on little to no food for a long time if all they had was water.

I just had to pray any type of sickness, where I couldn’t make my way across the room to that water, wouldn’t come to fruition.

What would be better was if Gloria or Lenny got sick enough to die. But I wasn’t sure Harriet would be safe even then. Gloria could still call the other men to deal with Harriet and her family.

But that was if either Gloria or Lenny called them.

If they didn’t call, I could get help, and Harriet would be fine.

Why hadn’t I thought of it before?

Maybe because stupid fear had kept me crippled for so long.

I’d seen two people die. I didn’t want any more deaths to happen.

My mind tripped over random thoughts. Thoughts I shouldn’t have been thinking because they were connected to more death.

Of Gloria and Lenny.

Groaning, I rubbed a hand over my face. It was impossible. I didn’t have the strength to go against Gloria or Lenny. I couldn’t see anything happening to them. Not enough to see their lives ended where they wouldn’t contact their people. I certainly couldn’t kill them, nor did I know anyone who could. Risking more people would be foolish. I thought to ring the police, get them to Harriet’s before they came here, but then Gloria still had time to call the others. And even with the police at Harriet’s, the others could somehow slip by and kill them, while killing the police in the process.

At every turn, all I saw was more death.

Once again, I was out of luck with my new thoughts, so I pushed them aside.

Harriet would stay safe, and I’d go back to waiting until my visit to the attorney for a chance at escape.

God, I would give anything to go back to the days where horse shit, morning and afternoon chores, and homework were the only things I worried about.

Instead, it was all dark, dooming thoughts plaguing my mind.

That was until the previous night when I’d heard beauty.

Shit, Emerson. Stop thinking about him.

It was hard though, because I’d gone without contact for so long. Yet there was now a man asking and willing to help without even knowing me.

Damn him for moving in next door.

For giving my mindandbody thoughts and reactions I hadn’t had in a long time.

Life seriously wasn’t fair.

Grimacing, I pushed the plate on the bed and covered it with a blanket to try and stop the bread from drying out. My legs were a little steadier when I climbed to my feet. I needed to make sure I moved around a lot more and not let myself laze about, losing my remaining strength.

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