Page 226 of Waiting Game

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not enough. You don’t understand what you did!”

“I do!” I cry, for the first time raising my voice. “I know I let you down. I know we treated you like family and we sold you out. I know that we lied. I know that we hurt you. I know, I know, I know!” I twist on the floor to stare at her. “I hate myself, Gracie. When I tell you that Cole is wonderful, he really is. I love him. I-I can feel it. Here.” I press a hand to my chest, right above my heart. “I never expected that, but even more, I know I don’t deserve that. If I can do what I did toyou, what could I do to him?”

She frowns at me. “That’s illogical.”

“Is it? I already don’t recognize myself in the mirror, Gracie.” I dig my fingers into my eyes. “But I was scared. We were backed into a corner and it…

“There are no excuses. I know that. I accept that. It’s why I never pushed things past sending you some texts. It’s not because I didn’t care, but because I know I’m not worthy of your friendship.

“I’m not even sure if I’m worthy of Cole’s love.”

She’s silent for a minute. “That’s a tad harsh, isn’t it?”

A scoff bursts from me. “Not as harsh as what I did to you. And didn’t you tell me I wasn’t good enough for him?”

Her mouth flatlines. “Whose idea was it?”

“Does it matter?”

“I’m the one who gets to ask the questions. You’re the one who gets to answer them.”

I release a heavy exhalation. “Chuck.”

“Why?”

“Did you notice that last year I’d been paying cash for our alcohol deliveries?”

“I did.”

“That’s because he’d run up such a high debt that they refused to drop off orders anymore without cash on delivery.

“But we weren’t paying off our debt, and they called it in. No alcohol, no bar. No bar, no money. No Chuck’s. Everyone on the staff would have been unemployed.”

“I knew his accounting system was a dud, but I didn’t realize?—”

“Me either. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, Gracie. Nearly a million dollars with his medical bills.”

She blanches. “Fuck.”

“Yeah. Fuck. I’m not with Cole for his money. He’ll tell you himself that I won’t take anything from him apart from coffee and food.”

“It did occur to me to think that.”

“And I deserve it.”

She’s quiet a moment, then: “I don’t understand you.”

“Me either.”

“No. You were like me. Boisterous and rowdy. What the fuck’s happened to you?”

“Nothing was the same once you left. E-Everything changed. Even Chuck… It was why he started going downhill. It’s a hard thing to accept about yourself—the depths you’ll go to when backed into a corner.

“Then, he died, and I’ve been consumed by his loss but also the state of things he left me to deal with.” I rub my eyes. “I’m tired, Gracie. I don’t have it in me to be boisterous and rowdy. The only highlights of my days are when Cole bounces in. That’s the only time I feel likemeagain.”

“He does bounce, doesn’t he?”

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