Page 374 of Lodestar

There was such agony in his voice that even I, in all my selfish, childish rage at a mother who’d abandoned me too soon, quieted.

“It is the nature of life for a child to lose a parent but to suffer the reverse? Twice?” He shook his head. “Their sacrifice wasn’t in vain, but that makes it no less of a sacrifice.”

“I-I thought you resented her,” I rasped.

“I did. For dying. I lead a double life, child. There are few who know all of me and your mother was one such person. Aleks was younger than her and there were… There were things he didn’t know about me.”

“Things Mom did?”

He dipped his chin. “Weaknesses of mine, strengths. She was a good girl. The best daughter. Yes, Reinier deserves his suffering. It is not in me to be needlessly cruel, but I see nothing needless about his end.”

“Why was she with my dad? Was it love?” I braced myself. “Or was it a mission?”

“It started as a mission, an easy means of traveling the globe, hitting the major cities without suspicion—travel back then wasn’t aslaissez-faireas it is now. Then, over time, it became love. She wouldn’t have stayed with him, wouldn’t have given birth to you if that weren’t the case.”

“How do you know? Why did I never meet you?”

He sighed. “Because of one of my weaknesses.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your grandmother was a difficult woman. Ours was not a marriage of love nor was it a mission. It was a union. A way of creating tighter binds between myself and another on my council.”

“Your council?” Conor peppered.

“The men Star killed to reach me.” His lips quirked. “I hated most of them so it is no waste to me, but you must curb your homicidal tendencies once this situation with the Sparrows is complete, child. I can keep you out of jail only as long as I’m alive.”

“I only kill people who deserve it.”

“I’m not sure the police would agree with such a mindset.”

“Liberalism gone mad,” I grumbled under my breath, making Conor snicker tiredly.

“Your grandmother was royalty—Edward of Midlothian’s eldest daughter. We did not like each other. Most of the time, we despised each other, but we played too good a role for Galena and Aleks.

“Both of us had been raised with miserable parents in miserable households and we’d vowed to be different with our children.”

“She caught you cheating, didn’t she?” Conor questioned, his voice low.

“She did,” he confirmed. “And never forgave me for it.”

“Ever?”

“Not before she died. It undoubtedly played a part in keeping her away when she always called Russia home.”

The words pained me—that Russia was ‘home’ when I remembered spending every Fourth of July at a massive partysheorganized to celebrate the occasion because she loved her country.

That she was capable of being as childish as me—judging our parents with the mindset of betrayed children rather than that of an adult—was oddly comforting.

But her life with us hadn’t been a total lie, and his admission enabled me to admit to a solid, undeniable, indefatigable truth—hating her was harder than loving her.

“I loved her,” I whispered brokenly, swiping at my cheeks like the child I was at that moment. A child who’d lost her parents.

“I did too,” Anton rasped, reaching over to pat my hand.

“I didn’t want to lose her.”

“Nor did I.”

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