Page 127 of Silenced

I could have expected him to treat my grief dismissively, much as Harvey used to, but Nikolaiisn’tHarvey.

He keeps on proving that mirror reflections aren’t wholly accurate.

“It’s supposed to hurt,” he signs with a heavy sigh.

“Is it?” I ask wistfully. “For so long?”

“Losing love will never be painless. Take the pain and embrace it. Trust me,solnyshko,it is better to have that than nothing at all.”

He’s right.

And it stuns me that the brutish Bratva Pakhan is the first person to ever broach the subject with me so candidly. Sorawly.

But then, he’s more than a brute around me, isn’t he?

I’ve seen that side of him in the flesh after what happened to Pavlivshev, but with me, he’s kind. Tender. A man I can believe in because he backs up his words with action.

Iamsafe with him.

“It’s funny you should say that,” I rasp.

“What do you mean?”

“How it’s better to have the pain of losing someone you love than nothing at all.”

His brows arch. “I expected you to upend the bowl over my head for that.”

My lips twitch because I can see he means it. “I’d never waste Stroganoff.”

“Reassuring.” A twinkle gleams in his eyes. “Explain.”

“Why I’d never waste Stroganoff…?” I snort at his glower. “Hey, that’s a part of it.”

“Explain,” he demands again.

“When Pavlivshev threatened me,” I say, feeling him tense beneath me. “I was aware of the woman I used to be around Harvey and I was evenmoreaware that I’m not that woman with you.”

He blinks.

Then, the spoon scrapes against the dish and it’s presented to me.

As I take it into my mouth, I sigh in delight as the rich sauce graces my taste buds and the beef falls apart at the slightest pressure from my teeth.

He watches me eat. “This pleases me.” He waits for me to finish then presses a kiss to my chin. “I want this on the 6th.”

I don’t know why, but that makes me smile. “Is that what you want as your gift?”

Then, he amazes me by rasping in that broken, hoarse, creaky voice of his, “No, that’s you.”

It takes me a moment to piece together his meaning because I’m so unused to his voice that it always jars me. But I wasn’t lying when I told him I liked it. It’s loaded with strain, almost as if his larynx is being put through a boot camp workout, but whenever he manages to gift me with words, it’s when he’s saying something that makes my heart melt.

Something that tips me down a path that proves I’ve lost my mind.

That’s when his words actually register.

‘That’s you.’

Wait,I’mhis Christmas gift?

---