Page 7 of Keep Your Friends Close and Your… Work Enemy Closer?

"Searching for a simile?"

"Like movies and popcorn! Like rainy days and fuzzy blankets. Like campfires and marshmallows. Like—"

"I get it. I get it. And don't you want to take all your snacks over there to the comfy couch?" I looked longingly into the distance, imagining Jared so many feet away from me.

After sitting down, he leaned back, doing the whirly thing again. "Nah. This chair is great."

With the heaviest of sighs I'd ever sighed, I turned back to my computer, trying once more to compose an email to one of my favorite authors, even managing to type out a few sentences.

Until the sound of a bag being torn open interrupted me. Then the constant crinkling noises. Then the loud munching of Jared eating chips. And more chips. And popcorn. And crunchy cookies. And oh, my God. I was ready to kill him again.

Grabbing my phone, I stood up, Jared's surprised face glancing up at me. "What's up, Dee?"

I bit my tongue from what I truly wanted to say, that he was the most obnoxious person to ever exist on this planet. "I need to make a few phone calls," I said instead through gritted teeth.

"Sure. I'll just get back to my new slush pile, which is absolutely riveting by the way."

Was that sarcasm I detected? Opening my mouth to say something, I decided to just walk away. Walk away. That wasgoing to be my new motto regarding Jared. Or maybe stay away or keep away. Just outright avoidance as much as possible.

It was necessary for my survival at this point.

After a few phone calls in our office phone booth, and maybe taking a little extra time—er, a lot of extra time—it was finally time for my birthday lunch, a big group of us going out. I felt a tiny bit bad about not asking Jared. But my God, did I need some time away from him.

"I'm feeling guilty about not inviting Jared," I said to Mona beside me as I tore off a piece of bread.

"Oh, I asked him." She took the bread basket from me. "But he said no."

"He said no?" Should I be offended?

"Yeah, something about too many snacks and he wasn't hungry."

Oh. That made sense. Forgetting about Jared, I enjoyed being the center of attention, only cringing a little when people sang happy birthday to me.

And when we got back, Jared still sat at his desk, empty snack bags spilling out from his trash can.

"Have a good lunch?" he asked.

"Excellent. Thank you."

"I'm sure you missed me."

"Oh, yes. Missed you tons."

"I know. But just be grateful that you got the best gift of all today."

"I did?" I hadn't even received any actual gifts yet, so I had no clue what the man was talking about. "What's that?" I asked.

"Me of course."

Fuck me. And fuck my life.

Three

Max

What a fucking pain in the ass to have to take this mustache off and on. I'd actually grown one out, and it looked mighty fine, if I did say so myself, if you were into that whole '70s porn star look. But I'd had to shave it off for an emergency, put-out-some-fires weekend trip to London as my actual self... Max Sterling, CEO of Echelon Enterprises, who most definitely did not have an alliteration addiction.

So now, I was stuck with a fake one that I had to stick on and pray that it'd stay on.

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