Page 47 of Twenty Years Later

"Gosh, that makes my parents sound like they were horrible," Jayda said. "And they definitely weren't."

"I know what you mean, baby." Jayda flashed me a thankful look. "And for what it's worth, I think you're an amazing mom."

She inhaled sharply. "You really think so?"

"Yeah. I know so."

"That really means so much to me. No one ever tells me that. And God, do I worry about that."

"You do?" That surprised me because she seemed like such a natural and so confident.

She nodded, her face serious. "Only all the time."

I shook my head, confused as to why she would feel that way. "But you reallyareamazing. Why would you doubt yourself like that?"

"I just..." Staring down at her plate, she let out a deep sigh. "It's—I guess..."

Seeing how much trouble she was suddenly having, I reached my hand out to grasp hers on the table, hoping she would look at me again. And when she finally did, I could see the pain in her eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, squeezing her soft hand beneath mine.

Biting down on that plump lower lip that I ached to bite too, she took a few more breaths. "I guess I was so consumed by grief during those first months—or years probably—of motherhood, I'm not even sure what kind of a mom I was. It's a blur now. Just days and days of crying almost all the time."

"Of course," I said, my throat suddenly dry.

If I was being honest with myself, there was something in me that was jealous, a little envious of what Jayda had with Blake. Even though he was gone now, he still had a hold over her that I didn't know if I could ever compete with. Not that it was a competition. Just... I didn't know. Sometimes it really sucked to try to live up to the ghost of the love of her life.

Jayda stared at me, and I realized I had missed something she'd said. "Sorry. What was that?"

"Well, I worry sometimes about how my grief affected her. My only hope is that she slept so much that she didn't really notice it?"

I thought back to how much Gabby slept as a newborn when I was going through my own difficulties. "That's my hope too with Gabby."

Jayda reached out her other hand now to cover my own. "You went through something similar at the same time, didn't you?"

I nodded. "It wasn't the same as having a spouse die, though."

"I don't know. It had to be pretty traumatic for you. Having a newborn is hard enough."

"You can say that again."

She laughed. "But you don't seem as worried about it as I do."

I shrugged, not sure what she was getting at. "I guess I'm just not a big worrier."

"You are such a guy." She squinted her eyes at me in a way that reminded me of a ferocious kitten.

"Thanks?" I chuckled at the vicious little cat in front of me, thinking she might hiss at me any minute. But instead of hissing, her eyes turned a beautiful shade of green that reminded me of hot summer days. And that swell in my chest returned.

Then her squint turned flirty. "I like that."

"Good. I'll keep trying to be a guy then."

As she laughed, I put my other hand on top of hers so now we had a stack of hands on the table. And I remembered the old game probably at the same time she did because her hand that was on the bottom suddenly slapped mine on top. I did the same with mine, both of us cracking up like little kids as the game evolved into a fast and silly slapping of hands, each of us fighting for the top spot.

Finally, I claimed both her small hands in mine and stood up, pulling her to me, hoping to get my chance to nibble that sweet lower lip of hers. But Audrey and Gabby had another idea as they reappeared in the kitchen, running up to show us what they'd made with big lego blocks.

After we admired their creation and they ran off again, Jayda turned to me and said, "Is it horrible of me that I can't wait until certain someones go to sleep tonight?"

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