Page 94 of Blooms of Darkness

Andras had been right.

All those years Elisabeth and Ian tried to help me fight off the nightmares, tried to convince me that being magicless didn’t make me weak. But at the end of the day, Andras had been right.

If I’d had the magic I should have, I would have been able to help Elisabeth. I would have been able to do something until a healer arrived.

Instead of just sitting by her side andlettingher die like the pathetic princess I was.

The tears streamed freely down my face, even after Ian had sedated me long enough to carry me back to my bedroom. There was nothing left inside of me to muster the strength to stop them.

Elisabeth’s death left an empty hole in my soul, which would be there forever. A hole that not only ached at her absence, but one that reminded me I hadn’t been enough to save her like she deserved.

I blinked slowly, my eyelids heavy and swollen.

My legs bore cuts and scrapes on them from when we’d been fighting and out on the road. Elisabeth’s healing magic had concentrated so much on my side, the lingering minor scrapes remained. Another stark reminder of everything I couldn’t do.

What if Elisabeth had been so drained from healing me, she couldn’t heal herself? Another thought which would stay with me forever.

I sobbed, a guttural sound, exploding from my chest. My face warmed beneath fresh tears. Apparently, I still had something left inside of me after all.

The handle to my washroom clicked behind me, but I didn’t care who entered.

I closed my eyes as the door opened, sensing who it was before seeing him.

Kade.

He could stay. He had helped me. Whether it was him or his shadows, I didn’t have the energy to care. As long as he didn’t antagonize me, he could stay. I didn’t even bother raising myhead to give him a smart remark about seeing me naked or being in my private bathing chambers.

His footsteps clunked softly in a slow beat, and then stopped, a sad sigh escaping his lips. “I learned long ago there are no words that can be said to lessen the pain of losing someone you love. Anything I’d offer would be nothing which could ease your grief, even at my best.”

I rested my head on my arms, breathing in a shaky inhale. I noticed him from my periphery, sitting propped on the marble bench connecting to the back of my tub.

The words did help, though. Or perhaps it was his voice that helped. I didn’t have the energy to care yet.

He rose, walked to the front of the tub, and drained it.

I groaned. “I’m not ready.”

“I know.” He turned the golden handles, and warm water replaced the frigid as he ran his hand under the spout. He reached beneath the tepid surface, re-plugging it and letting his shadows turn the once-clear water into a storm-filled sky.

When the tub had filled, he twisted the handle hard enough so the damned dripping ceased.

“Let me help you, Illiana,” Kade said, walking behind me again.

I finally lifted my head, meeting his gaze, aware my tear-streaked face must look pathetic to a warrior who had undoubtedly lost plenty of people in his life. “With what?”

Kade smiled at me. A real, soft, fucking heart-wrenching smile. He reached over the tub and picked up one of my bathing oils, lathering the rose-scented concoction in his hands.

“Turn around,” he whispered, and without argument, I obeyed.

I leaned into his steady hands as he worked the shampoo over my scalp, slowly circling his fingers until he reached myneck and rubbed at tense muscles, which I knew would never ease.

“Tell me about her?” he asked.

He didn’t stop lathering, and rubbing circles over my head and neck, and I had yet to loosen my grip on my legs as I sat curled in a ball, even if I had shifted my head back for him.

“I have nightmares often. The first person I braved speaking to about them, besides Ian, was Elisabeth. I turned up at her door with horrendous dark circles under my eyes and burst into tears,” I recalled. “She took my hands—I loved the way hers always enveloped mine. She sat me at her table and brought out dandelion tea. I remember turning my nose up, but she told me to trust her. She brought out this tin, which had the word ‘Linen’ on it, and inside, there were these tiny little lemon cookies.”

My arms relaxed as I spoke.

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