Page 39 of Secret Hudson

“Yeah.” Well, this is going splendidly.

“I hate to interrupt, but could you guys move it along, so Blaise and I can get out of the hallway? I’m fucking disgusting and I need a shower. Not to mention, I need a computer and a phoneline connected to Francis, ASAP.” Ava more or less pummels her way through the both of us. Hudson shoots her a dirty look, but I know she’s only doing it to override the horrible awkwardness that set in between us.

“S’up Hudson.” Blaise gives a courteous nod on his way past us.

“Yeah. Okay.” Apparently, he’s prepared to extend the cold shoulder to everyone associated with me.

“Listen. Do you think we could talk?” Not that I have a fucking clue as to what I will say just yet, but I need to do something, anything to start the ball moving between us. Even if I can’t see a way to give him what he wants, I also can’t see a way to let him go without a fight. Or ever.

“I think talking is a good idea.” He nods and starts walking toward one of the rooms in the back of the penthouse.

“This our room?” I ask as I drop my bag on the floor by the door.

“It’s my room.” Ouch.

“Sorry, yeah, of course. Obviously.” I hurry to pick up my bag and move to slide it back out into the living room before I close the door to give us some privacy. Or at the very least, the illusion of such.

“Listen, before you say anything, you’re not the only one who’s been getting an ear full around here. Angel gave me a pretty solid lecture on the flight over and to be perfectly honest, a lot of what he said made more sense than I would have liked. Thing is, I haven’t worked it all out for myself yet, so, no matter what you have to tell me, you should know, it’s not likely to fix anything. Not right now anyway.”

My mind starts racing. What the fuck did Angel say to him? Out of everyone, he’s probably the last fucking person I would have chosen to give my boyfriend relationship advice. What with him never actually having had one. He’s right up here with me when it comes to clueless.

“That’s fine. I totally understand. I screwed up; I don’t have any expectations.”

He raises his brow skeptically. “You seemed to have some expectations a minute ago when you dropped your bag in here assuming it was our room.”

I hang my head, embarrassed. “It was just out of habit. I didn’t really think...Can I just start over here? I was planning to grovel and beg and I’m off to a shit start.”

The corner of his mouth curves up briefly. It isn’t much, but I’m willing to run with it.

“Hudson, I lied. About pretty much everything. Ava isn’t forcing me to keep up any fake appearances. She definitely didn’t set up the date with Francis and, not that I ever said this, but I know you did so I have to set the record straight, she sure as shit never hired you to fuck me.”

Hudson sinks down onto the bed. “What the fuck do you want me to say to that?”

I take two long strides across the room and kneel down in front of him. Being on my knees seems more than appropriate given the situation.

“I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen. I’m a piece of shit. Or at least I’ve been acting like one. I’ve done and said whatever I had to just to keep our relationship from going public. And I realize how that must seem, but I swear to you, it’s not you I don’t want the world to see. It’s me.” I take a moment to collect my thoughts. There’s no fucking point in holding back now. “Remember how I told you about my parents’ reaction to realizing I was gay? Well, that was really just a small part of what my first experience of coming out was like. The other part, the bigger part was how the rest of the world welcomed the news.

“I was getting bullied to the point of physical violence by the time I was eleven. And when other people weren’t doing it for me, I did it to myself. Slicing away at my arms and the tops of my thighs with the scissors from my mother’s sewing kit.

“By the time I started high school, I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. Literally. I covered the mirror in the hall to my room with a poster. I never turned on the lights in thebathroom, I kept my eyes glued to the ground anytime I passed by windows. But it wasn’t enough. There was no escaping myself.

“Then, when I was sixteen, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was done, and so I set a plan in motion to put an end to everything. The name calling. The beatings. The ridiculing. The humiliation. The hate. God, there was so much hate...and I was the source of most of it. I hated myself for not being able to be normal. For being this victim. For being useless and helpless all of the time.” My throat closes up, making it nearly impossible to say what I need to say. And I need to say it. I have to get it out. I owe him that much.

“I was going to kill myself.” And somehow saying those words to this man, knowing that I never would have known him had I succeeded, is the most painful part of it all. It’s no use trying to fight the tears. They’re already escaping. Small betrayals against myself, but rather than use them as one more piece of ammunition against me, I simply accept them. “I had a gun. I’d written a note. I was ready.” I suck in a sharp breath. “Then, Ava crossed my path. And, true to form, she bulldozed right through my plans and insisted I come over to her house to play with the band. She changed my entire life that day. She saved me. She placed me on the path that led me here. And not just my career. But to you.”

I take his hand in mine. He still hasn’t said a single word. But then, I asked him to do just that. Just listen.

“I never should have involved her in this mess, and if I never find a way to fix things between us, I need you to know that she wasn’t a part of any of it. So, you can hate me, but you can’t hate her.”

“I don’t. I don’t hate either one of you.” Hudson bends down to meet me at eye level. “I meant what I said when I told you I loved you. That doesn’t change just because you screw up.” Then his kind gaze veers off ever so slightly and I know there’s a ‘but’ still coming.

“But it’s also not enough.” I drop back and land with my back against the dresser. Getting up and walking out probably would have been the better, more in the interest of self-perseverance choice, but I can’t. Not just because I have no fucking pride left to speak of, but because I’m not ready to give up. Not yet.

Hudson sits there quietly. “I don’t know if it’s enough. I want it to be...but honestly, I’m not sure I’m capable of giving you what you need anymore.”

I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands, tired, frustrated and now utterly confused. “What?”

The side of his face scrunches together the way it always does when he’s undecided about something. “I’m just...I’m fucking numb right now, Royce. Our fight didn’t just drag up a bunch of old shit for you. I’ve been fighting my own fucking demons all night. I even called my fucking mom. And I’m only telling you that because she’s comparable to Ava.” His finger shoots out at me, prepared to stop me from making a comment. Which I don’t. I get what he’s saying.

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