Page 26 of Secret Hudson

Hudson is already in bed when I come into the room from the attached bath after taking a much-needed shower.

“What’s that?” I nod at a pile of pictures he’s flipping through.

“Just some of my favorite shots since I started this gig.” He smiles and flips over a photo for me to see. “I ever tell you how goddamned sexy you look when you’re playing on stage?”

I glance at the picture and shake my head. “Yeah, okay.”

“I’m serious.” He continues going through them while I pull back the covers and climb into bed beside him, mentally putting together a plan of attack to distract him from the pictures.

I’m about to let my hand glide down along the inside of his thigh when he holds up another shot for me to inspect.

“This one. This is you. The real you.” He turns it back around to look at it some more. “You’re fucking beautiful, you know that? Those eyes. Shit. Who has eyes like that, Royce? I could take a million different shots and every one of themwould tell a different story.” He smiles at me with such adoration, the words just sort of slip out of my mouth.

“I’m in love with you.”

Hudson doesn’t even react. He just keeps sifting through his pile.

“Did you hear me?” I’m not sure why I’m pressing the issue. Whatever his reasons are for not responding, I’m probably better off not finding out what they are.

“I heard you.” He tugs at the corner of a photo sticking out of his pile and pulls it out. “See this?”

I barely look. I don’t want to check out another fucking picture of myself. “Yeah, I see it.”

“Know when I took this?”

I shake my head. I feel like a fucking idiot. But he just keeps on about it.

“New York. Dinner the night of your last show before we took off for Europe. Ava brought take out on the bus for everyone, but it was already cold by the time she got back. Everyone was bitching about it, but you. You just pulled out the chopsticks and started eating your lo mein cold, straight out of the carton. In the midst of everyone giving her shit, you glanced over at me, grinning. Remember that moment?”

Vaguely.

“I do. Know why? Because it was the moment I first realized I was in love with you. And I’ve been waiting ever since, for you to let me know that you were ready to hear it.”

“You’re in love with me?” Even though I hoped he’d say it, I find myself struggling to believe it.

He puts the stack of pictures on the nightstand, then places one hand on each side of my face. “I’m in love with you. Andnot the sexy as hell bass player who gets me hard every time I look at him, but you. The guy who eats his noodles cold. Who considers his friends his family. Who smiles at me over the rim of his coffee cup when no one else is watching. And who lets me see a new piece of himself with every day I know him.”

That last part isn’t really my doing. It’s his. He’s the one who keeps looking, keeps searching for what lies beneath the surface. It’s part of what draws me to him, his inexplicable need to see me. To know me. But it also scares the fucking shit out of me.

There are things I keep buried away for a reason. Things I learned a long time ago the world deemed ugly and pathetic. There are only a handful of people I trust to love me in spite of those things, and as of yet, I’m not sure if Hudson will land on that list alongside Ava, Blaise, Angel and Derek, or not. I want him to. Fuck, I need him to. But until I’m sure, it’s safest to keep him at bay. Keep the buried things hidden for as long as I possibly can.

Hudson’s dark eyes are on me, and I know I’ve left myself open to more scrutinizing by letting my mind wander. Not that I’ve ever felt so much as an ounce of judgment from him. Well, not counting the night he saw that chick stick her tongue in my ear and I let her, like the spineless piece of shit I am. Even then, he forgave me. And I realize now, it’s because he’d already figured out earlier that evening what it took me another six weeks to fully comprehend. This thing between us...is love.

“What happens when you see something you don’t like?” I whisper as his fingers gently stroke the side of my face.

His lips come down on mine. Just as my mouth opens to meet his, he growls softly, “That will never happen.”

And because I’m a fucking fool, I choose to believe him.

HUDSON

I’m still replaying Royce’s question in my head long after he falls asleep beside me. What would happen if I saw something I didn’t like? In this moment I can’t imagine there being anything so unforgivable living inside someone so beautiful that it could make me turn my back on him and walk away from everything he makes me feel.

I feel fucking alive when I’m with Royce. Alive like I’ve never felt before. The closest I’ve ever gotten without him is through my camera, and even that passion now seems magnified and more unbridled with him in my life. Like falling in love with him opened up something inside of me I didn’t even known was closed, didn’t even known was possible.

I was raised to be open and generous with my heart, and I’ve genuinely believed that I am. That I willingly and easily hand it over to anyone who wants it. But that was a fucking lie. I’ve never given it to anyone. Not even Paul, and I imagined a future with him. We talked about fucking marriage. I always blamed our break up on him and his refusing to come out publicly about our relationship, but maybe that was all bullshit after all. Maybe it was just a convenient excuse enabling me to continue to ignore the truth. I wasn’t open and generous with my heart at all. I held onto that motherfucker with an iron clad grip, unwilling to hand it over.

Until now. Royce Lemmi has taken it without even batting an eyelash. And he did it without even knowing. Scariest partin all of this, is that I know I’m not the only one sitting on secrets. Mine are only detrimental to myself. But Royce’s, judging from the scared shitless expression he had when he asked what I’ll do when I find them, well, they’re likely big enough to fuck us both. If I let them. Maybe I was right when I answered him without thinking. Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe I won’t let it.

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