Page 24 of Secret Hudson

I don’t even have to think about it. The answer is easy. “She doesn’t. I haven’t talked to either of my parents since I hopped in a van with my friends and hit the road to pursue music almost seven years ago.” I got used to the reality of that sentence a long time ago, but somehow hearing it said out loud, is still hard to bear.

“Shit, Royce. I had no idea. Do you talk to any of your family?” The slight shock and underlying pity in his eyes are precisely the reason I never dwell on the issue.

“Sure. I talk to Ava, Blaise, Derek and Angel every day.” I attempt a smile to lighten the mood.

He sits up. “Would you rather I drop this?”

I would. But at the same time, in a weird sort of way, I really want to tell Hudson about it. Maybe because he’s the first person to fucking ask. Maybe because I want what we have to be more than what I’ve shared with other men in the past.

Scooting back until I’m upright and resting my shoulders on the headboard, I shake my head, having made the decision. “No. It’s fine. If you really want to know, then I want to tell you.”

“I do.” He pulls his legs up and crosses them, settling in like he’s expecting this to be a long story. Shit. Depending on where I decide to start, it certainly could be.

“Okay. Well, I’m an only child, so that pretty much sums up the lack of involvement with my other family members. There really aren’t any. I mean, I have a few aunts and uncles, but they all live spread out across the country, so I didn’t really grow up with any of them as real present forces in my life, you know? I was super close to my grandma Meryl, the other black sheep of the family, but she passed away when I was eleven and without her, being different wasn’t that much fun anymore.” I pause, secretly hoping that Hudson will appear to be bored, or better yet, interrupt and change the topic all together.

When he does neither, I go on, “I don’t know what you were like as a kid, but most people were pretty hip to the fact that I was gay by the time I was nine. I guess I knew too, I just didn’t really think about it. Didn’t consider what it meant. Until other kids started noticing, then I didn’t really have a choice anymore. Long story short, my coming out, or better being out, since it wasn’t a conscious decision at the time, was not well received by my parents.”

“What did they do?” A streak of anger flashes in his eyes and it strikes me that Hudson really and truly cares. I mean, I know that. Or at least, I thought I knew that.

“They didn’t do anything. That was their reaction. Denial. Denial when I came to them confused about my feelings. Denial when I came to them crying because children in school were tormenting me for being who and what I was. Denial when...just denial. It was their only coping mechanism. So, isolating myself became mine. I didn’t hear shit from either oneof them outside of the usual niceties you expect to exchange with your acquaintances, until the day I started playing with the band. Then they suddenly had all kinds of things to say. Apparently, stomping my dreams of being a musician into the ground was a lot easier for them, than trying to stomp the gay out of me.” I take in a long breath and hold it. I haven’t been digging through any of this shit in a long while. Closest I’ve gotten in forever, was a year ago when I sat with Blaise one night trying to help him stay sober. I shared things with him I haven’t ever told anyone. Things I’m not anywhere near ready to share now.

“Finally, the day I told them I was leaving with the band, they gave me their last ultimatum. ‘Walk out that door and don’t expect to ever come back.’ Well, that was fine by me. Those had been my intentions anyway.” I shrug. “Needless to say, I haven’t talked to them since.”

Hudson turns away from me and I’m sure it means something bad. Like revealing that even my own flesh and blood can’t stand the sight of the real me is enough to make him have second thoughts as well.

When he brings his focus back to me, he has a soft sort of expression on his face. A small smile and an understanding in his eyes I’ve found in only four other people. Well, five counting my grandmother.

“I get it now. You and the band. How close you are. None of you has anyone else, do you?”

I shake my head and laugh bitterly. “Not really. Unless you consider an alcoholic, a schizophrenic who committed suicide, a runaway teen, former beauty queen who only views the world as skin deep and a closed-minded prude who went through lifewith permanent blinders on, a solid set of mothers. And we kinda didn’t.”

This time Hudson doesn’t look away. Instead, he comes closer, his gaze never veering from me until his lips crush mine and we both close our eyes, completely letting go of everything that’s been holding us back up until this moment.

Just the feel of his fingertips lightly tracing over my skin on the nape of my neck is enough to drive me completely out of my mind.

Hudson takes his time, caressing parts of my body most of my past lovers never even took the time to explore. Many of them I’d never even really kissed. Certainly not the way I’m kissing Hudson, with a willingness to completely give myself up to him, emotionally and physically. The kind of passion I feel when our mouths connect and our tongues dance, is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s scary. It’s beautiful. It’s enough to make me want more. More of this. More of Hudson.

Slowly, his hand begins to travel down from my neck to my chest. The palm of his hand barely even grazes my nipple, and it hardens instantly. Realizing the reaction his touch has already had, Hudson lowers his mouth to my chest and encloses my entire nipple with it, moving his tongue in a circular motion. I moan loudly.

When I don’t think I can take it anymore, Hudson travels still lower, tracing his tongue down my stomach to where my waist curves around to the front and moving down to the top of my legs. Gently kissing and sucking my skin with his mouth, his left hand reaches up to anchor itself in mine, and I squeeze it tightly, because, in that moment, all I can think is how I never want to let him go. And while I have no fucking clue how totell him that, I think maybe, just maybe, he will understand just by the way I’m gripping his hand in mine as if my life depends on it.

Hudson’s free hand slides down the inside of my thigh, sending shivers through my entire body. And it’s only the beginning. After taking off my boxers, Hudson retraces the trail he’s traveled with his hand only seconds earlier, this time with his tongue. Slowly, it comes down my inner leg and then moves back up the other. Still using his tongue, he starts at the tip, running it around the head, first slowly and then with a mounting intensity. I feel his free hand begin to stroke me taking me to new heights of pleasure until he takes me completely into his mouth while still using his tongue and hand simultaneously.

It’ll only be a matter of seconds before I come completely undone and reach the ultimate peak, and as much as the need to reach it is dominating my body, the need to look Hudson in the eye when it happens is stronger.

Still clasping his other hand, I pull him up to face me. It takes mere seconds to rid him of the sweatpants he wore to bed, and then, both of our bodies are completely naked at last. The sensation of skin on skin, combined with the weight of his body as it leans into mine, is both a turn on and an insanely emotional experience.

Our eyes stay locked, as we move together, holding each other. Kissing. Touching. Feeling everything. Until we both reach that mind-blowing high.

HUDSON

I can barely catch my breath, and my heart is pounding so fucking loud I’m convinced Royce can hear it. I’ve never made love like that. I’ve never had the confidence to before. Not even during the three years I was with Paul. He was always the more aggressive lover and I’d just followed his lead. But tonight, there was just something in Royce’s eyes. In his voice. All I wanted to do was to love him. And not just by holding him or kissing him. I wanted to really love him. The way he so clearly needed me to. The way I didn’t think anyone has ever loved him before.

“You’re amazing.” Royce’s deep voice rumbles into the side of my head, where his mouth is resting near my ear.

“Only with you.” The words slip out before I can stop them. Maybe I don’t even want to. It’s the truth. What reason do I have to hold anything back now?

He chuckles softly. “I doubt that. I’m pretty sure you were already fairly fucking amazing that day I walked into your store looking for Ava.”

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