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Before tonight, Riker didn’t know. He was the one person in my godforsaken life who didn’t look at me and see someone weak and broken. Damaged. I needed that. I needed him to just accept me at face value, never questioning my past. Never expecting a future. Now that’s gone. I can see it in his eyes. Feel it in his touch.

He cares. Maybe more than he should. More than I want him to. But things have shifted. We’re not equals in this anymore. He’s become the caregiver. I’ve become the victim. I hate being the victim. And as absurd as it sounds, I’d so much rather he was using me for sex right now, instead of caring so much that he’ll never want to touch me again out of fear he might hurt me too.

I tilt my head up from where it’s nestled to his chest. “Thank you.”

His fingers gently dance over my shoulder. “I already told you not to tell me that.”

It’s the opening I was hoping for. I lift myself up and move my leg over his hips to straddle him. “Then let me show you instead.”

He looks confused. “What are you doing?”

I bend down to kiss him. “What we always do.”

But he turns his head. “No, Quinn. Not tonight. Not after what happened.” He lifts me by my waist and sets me back down on the mattress beside him.

“But nothing happened. You stopped him.” I’m lying of course. Something happened. A lot happened. So much more than he could possibly even know happened. But I want to erase it from my mind. His mind. I want to erase it right out of existence, and there’s onlyone way I know how to do that. “I’m fine. I swear.” I can feel the lump in my throat growing as it climbs. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of him again.

“No. You’re not.” He scoots himself up against the wall, not quite sitting upright, but enough to face me full on. “And who would be, Quinn?”

I want to punch him. I want to scream. Why is he making this so much more difficult than it already is? “Stop it! No one asked you to worry about me. The only thing I come here for is sex. So if you’re not going to fucking screw me right now, I might as well put my fucking clothes back on and get out of here!” I have every intention of getting up in a huff and stomping out of his apartment, but he’s already got a hold on me and he’s not letting me go.

“I’m not worried about you.” He flips me onto my back and moves over me, encasing me with his entire body like a cocoon. “I’m merely doing what you asked me to do earlier. Holding you.” The whole time he speaks, his tone never reflects even an ounce of emotion. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m the one whose feelings are running amok and fucking everything up. But I can’t stop them. And I’m too desperate to care that I’m begging him to sleep with me now.

“Please.” With his weight on me, I can’t even move my arms, so my hands are pressed to my chest. My heart’s pounding so hard and fast I think it’s trying to escape. And I can appreciate the sentiment. That’s all I want too. “Please, Riker. I just...I need you to still want me. If you stop, if you can’t see me as anything but this fragile, wounded woman, then that’s what I’ll become. I don’t want to be her. I want to be the girl who struts in here owning the room because of the way you look at me. Please. I can’t lose that. You can’t let Carson take that. It’ll be worse than anything else he could have done to me tonight.” I’m gasping for air, trying to stop the tears. I have nochoice but to look at him looking back at me, because we’re so close there’s nowhere else to aim my eyes. So I close them. And he kisses me.

Hard. With a need so overwhelming it’s almost desperate, and I feed it with my own frantic urgency.

“Feel that?” His raspy growl is strained and breathless as his mouth hovers right above mine. “I know you do. That is me wanting you with every fiber of my being. But I'm not going to have you. Not tonight. Tonight, I'm just going lie here, holding you in my arms. Feeling your vulnerable and exposed body against my bare skin. Wanting you more and more with each passing second because you're the sexiest goddamn woman I've ever laid eyes on.” And the hunger in his eyes flares wildly as he says it. “But I'm not going to have you. Because I need you to know that arealman can respect your boundaries. Arealman knows that your body is sacred, and his physical needs are not. And because consensual sex is never about exerting control over someone else to get what you want. It's about being in control of yourself. So yes, believe me, I still want you. I want you like I’ve never wanted another woman in my entire life. But I want you to want me for the right reasons. In the right way. Because there's no way in hell I'm going to connect what we have when we're together to what happened in that parking lot tonight.”

His lips taste salty when he brushes over mine, and I know I’ve been crying again. I don’t care anymore. Nor do I care that I know that from here on out we’ll be lying every time we claim we mean nothing to each other. It won’t keep us from lying any more than it will keep me from knowing the truth.

CHAPTER NINE

RIKER

I wake up to find her still lying in my arms. This hasn’t happened before. All the nights she’s spent here with me, we’ve never both fallen asleep. Together. Until last night. But then, a lot of things never happened before last night. Things that can’t be undone. Things I’m not sure I’m ready for, and I know she sure as hell isn’t.

Her muscles tighten against me, and for a moment I think she’s waking up. Then I see her face twist in pain with her eyes still sealed shut and I know she’s dreaming, face-to-face with whatever nightmares haunt her day in and day out. I know she thinks I can’t tell. Maybe she thinks I don’t care enough to notice anything beyond her beautiful face and amazing body, but that’s because it’s all I pay attention to when she’s watching. Because that’s all she wants me to see of her. But it’s not all I see. It’s never been. There’s always been more. And it’s the things she wants to hide from me the most that make me want to see her more.

“Quinn.” I whisper her name. I don’t want to startle her, but I can’t leave her trapped in her own subconscious hell. “Wake up.”

Her eyes flutter and immediately dart around the room as if she’s forgotten where she is. She takes a deep breath in as her chest moves against mine.

“Well, this is different.” I knew she’d do that. Make a joke to deflect from the possibility that we might have actually experienced some sort of emotional intimacy.

“You could say that.” I go along with her. I let her set the tone. Always have. Because she’s the wind and I’m the sail.

“I don’t suppose you know where my phone is?” She lifts her head to scan the room, but little else moves with it.

“I plugged it in last night to charge it.” I reach across her to the turned-over milk crate I use as a nightstand. “Here.”

“Thanks.” She unlocks the screen and lets out a whistle. “Holy hell, Kirsten. She called seventeen times.” She drops the phone to my chest and lays her head down beside it.

“She’s probably worried. You should call her.” Kirsten’s never called while Quinn was here. At least not that I know of. I’m not sure she’s ever checked her phone before.

“No way. I’m not calling her now. You don’t know my sister. This will not be settled in one little phone call.” She’s not even done saying it when her phone vibrates on my chest and the screen lights up. Her finger moves up to swipe the screen, but it’s not to answer, it’s to ignore the call. Then, to make it easier to forget, she moves the phone back over to my makeshift nightstand, keeping Kirsten and her concerns out of sight until she’s ready to deal with them.

I don’t argue with her. Not about this. I just lie back silently and watch as her mind continues to wake up, becoming more alert and slowly beginning to digest everything all over again. It doesn’t take long for her to zone out. She does this a lot, but today I have a feeling I know where she’s gone. And if I’m right, I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle it.

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