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I take one last bite, mostly to buy myself some more time, but then I push the plate away. “I’m not giving up. I’m just...giving in.” But I can hear myself. My monotone voice. I sound defeated.

“But why? You’ve come through so much. Why stop fighting now when you’re so close to getting through to the other side?” I can tell by the way she keeps wiping the corners of her mouth that she’s trying not to cry. It’s her thing. Her telltale gesture that the emotions are getting to her.

“Because, Mom. There is no other side.” And that’s the ugliest part of it all. I’m twenty-two. My life should just be getting started, but the reality is some things are already over before they ever began.

“How can you say that? Of course there is. There is always light in the dark. Always something to hope for.” Her voice cracks, and I loathe myself a little more.

“I met someone. In North Carolina. That’s what happened, Mom.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I fell in love. And then I lied to him so he would let me go.”

Her eyes widen. “Why?”

“Because. It was the right thing to do. Look at everything I’ve cost you and Dad. Everything Kirsten has had to do for me. You guyshaveto love me. Riker doesn’t. And he shouldn’t. Not when I would end up taking more than I could ever give him.”

She stands from her chair and hurries over to me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and kissing me repeatedly over my hair. “You are such a foolish girl.” She clasps my face in both of her hands. “You give more to all of us than you could possibly imagine. Your strength and courage inspire me every single day. And not just because you faced your own demons and waged your own war, but because you took that experience and you learned how to fight for others. No mother has ever been prouder than I am of you. Maybe I have to love you because you’re my daughter, Quinn, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you. Or admire you. Or be in awe of you. Those things I feel because of what you do. Not because of who you are.”

She crouches down beside me, still holding onto my face. “If this Riker person had a chance to see even half of what I see when I look at you, he already knows how much you have to offer. Even if you don’t.”

I want to shake my head. Want to tell her she doesn’t understand. But I can’t do either without bursting into tears. So I just suck it up and nod. “You’d like him, Mom. You guys think a lot alike.” I smile. But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything anymore. Only it’s different now. Before when I felt nothing, it felt empty, like a void tin shell of myself. Now when I feel nothing, everything seems tight, like I might crack and crumble at any given moment. I’m scared to think. Scared to focus my eyes on any one thing for too long. Scared to make any sudden moves. It’s strange. And exhausting. This new not feeling.

Slowly, she stands up again, releasing my face but not until after she places one more kiss on top of my head. “Well, I really hope I get to meet him someday.”

I should say “me too,” but I don’t hope that at all. I hope he does what he said he would and never comes after me again. Because I won’t have it in me to lie to him again.

Thankfully, my mother isn’t waiting for an answer. She’s back over by the stove, putting up the leftovers while I pick at the food still on my plate. I had three decent bites, but there’s still too much here for me to just toss, and if I wrap it up my mom will notice I didn’t eat enough and the whole cycle of worry will start all over again.

Then, because the fates are feeling generous today, the doorbell rings, announcing Devyn and my easy out from finishing what’s left of my heaping portion of soup burger.

“I’ll get it.” I rush out of the kitchen before my mother can intercept and tell me to sit back down at the table.

When I reach the door, I take a deep breath before I open it.

“You look like shit.” Devyn walks past me into the house.

“Thanks. You look pretty fucking tired yourself.” I follow her into the formal living room. Devyn’s been to this house often enough to know her way around.

My mom pops in from the adjoining kitchen. “Hi, hon. Coffee?”

Devyn smiles at my mom with a genuine sense of gratitude. “That would be amazing, Julie. Thank you.”

She doesn’t bother asking me if I want anything before she disappears again, probably because she’s avoiding hearing a no. This way she can just bring me whatever she wants.

“I’m serious, Quinn. You look like death warmed over. You can’t show up to court like this tomorrow. You need sleep. And body fat.”

I plop down on the couch and wait for her to do the same. “What difference does it make what I look like? Besides, looking too healthy and strong bit me in the ass the last go-around.”

She snorts. “Yeah, well, looking like a strung-out drug addict definitely isn’t a usable alternative.”

“I’ll see about getting a face mask and body suit for tomorrow, then.” Annoyed, I look down at my lap. Then I notice my bony knee poking through my jeans and can’t help but wonder if I really appear to be decaying at a rapid pace.

My mom comes back into the room boasting a large tray of coffee and baked goods. Clearly, she’s on a mission to fatten me up as well. It’s not like I’ve dropped a ton of weight in the last week. I just didn’t have that much extra to lose.

“Here we go, girls. I’ll get out of your way so you can get to work, but if you need anything, just holler.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I smile again, this time for real. She blinks her eyes in a silent “you’re welcome,” then scurries from the room.

Devyn starts to pull file after file from her briefcase. “She’s worried about you. Everyone is. I’ve even been getting calls from your dad.”

My dad’s not a talker. If he’s making the effort to pick up a phone, things are serious. “I’m trying, okay? I’m here. I’m conscious. It’s all I’ve got.”

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