Page 48 of Tin

“Trust me. If you knew what I know, you’d be thanking me. Not running after me.”

His hand drops from my chin to his side. “Enlighten me, then.”

“Fine.” I can’t take it anymore anyway. “You want to know. I’ll fucking tell you.” But not while I’m standing so close to him. If I’m going to get this out, I have to move. And keep moving. And close my eyes, because saying the words out loud is one thing, but facinghim and seeing his reaction...and watching how everything he feels for me fades into the ether is something completely different. So I pace.

“The reason I have to go back to California next week is because I have to be in court.”

“What?” I should have told him not to interrupt me. I don’t have the strength to climb over hurdles of his shock and disbelief while I do this.

“It’s civil court. This time. My trial starts next week. It’s a wrongful death case, and I’m being sued for a few gazillion dollars, which will likely be awarded considering I was already found guilty in criminal court. Of manslaughter. That’s where I was the last three years. In prison.” I stop. I still can’t face him, and my eyes are squeezed shut just in case I catch a glimpse of him walking away. I listen. Straining to hear over the wind and the waves, but I can’t make out a single sound indicating whether or not he’s moved even an inch.

The feel of his hands on either side of my face startles me into lifting my lids.

“I’m listening,” he murmurs, concentrating his gaze on mine, leaving me no way to escape this time.

“Haven’t you heard enough?” I gasp.

“You honestly think you’ve said anything that makes me want to turn away from you? What, you think I can’t fill in the blanks on this one? Think I don’t know you well enough to know you’re not a murderer?” His tone hardens when he says the word. I don’t think he’s mad at me. Well, he is. Mad at me for implying that I am one. Or that I thought he would believe I was one. Not mad that Iamone. Which I am. No matter how we twist and turn the words. I killed a man.

“You can’t fix this,” I whisper. “I know you want to. I know you think you can just come to my rescue and hold me until I stop screaming, but it won’t work this time. My moments of peace with you were fleeting. And I knew it all along. I tried to tell you.” I force myself to stop before I say anymore and start weeping into his chest.

“What’s a gazillion dollars? Really. What’s the real number?”

My eyes slant. Damn him. “Why?”

“I’ll pay it. If your biggest fucking problem here is paying off the assholes who unleashed the beast who beat you, then yes, Icanfix it. And your stubborn ass isn’t going to stop me.” He doesn’t sound nearly as convinced as he’d like to. He sounds desperate. Scared.

“Even if that was the biggest fucking problem here, paying my debt is not yours to do. I am not your responsibility. And I don’t want to be.” I push back, freeing myself from him and those devastating eyes.

“If it’s not the money or the trial, then what is it?”

I take a deep breath in and swallow down the fear threatening to take me out before I can finish what I set into motion. Then I let it all go. “The problem is that I don’t have any feelings. Not for you. Not for anyone. I had feelings once. And I wasted them on the wrong person for many years. Until one day, when something broke inside me. Literally.” I search his face and zero in on his black pupils and the empty abyss I crave right now. I let it pull me in, away from here. Away from everything until I’m just floating far off in the distance where I can barely hear my own voice anymore. “I killed him. And now I’m dead. You can’t fix dead, Riker. You’re just going to have deal with it.”

“You’re not dead. I’ve felt the warmth of your breath on my lips when you’ve kissed me with more passion than most people are capable of. I’ve heard your heart beat out of your chest after you’ve made love to me. And I’ve seen the way your body comes to life under my touch. You. Are. Not. Dead. And even if you were, itwouldn’t change a damn thing. I am inlovewith you.” His mouth charges at mine and stops short where he hovers, a raspy rumble coming from his lips. “Deal withthat.”

His kiss takes me so rapidly my head is spinning. Or maybe it’s from hearing him say those words. The words I was hoping he would never say. Because now there’s only one way out.

“Don’t.” I push his chest and break away from him.

“Why not?” He’s not trying to kiss me anymore, but he’s not letting go of me either.

“Because.” I stare him down square in the eyes. “I don’t love you.”

He bites his lip, dropping his head to his chest. “Really? You’re going to do this?”

I shrug out of his grip. “I have to. Not telling you the truth would be wrong. I’ve led you on for long enough.”

When his head rises again, his mouth is one thin line, and his jaws are clearly clenched. “But you’re not telling the truth. You’re lying straight to my face.”

“I’m not,” I insist, my tone void of all emotion. “You just don’t want to hear it.”

“You’re right. I don’t want to hear it.” And for the first time, he physically turns away from me. “I don’t know what else I can do here, Quinn. I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for. I’ve respected your privacy. Did all I could to earn your trust. Shared with you the darkest, most devastating parts of my life. And did the one thing I swore to myself I would never do again: I gave you my heart. And yes, I know you didn’t ask for it. And fuck, I get that you don’t want it. But don’t you dare stand there and tell me that you didn’t give me yours too.”

I clamp down on my own tongue so hard I taste blood, but it’s the only way I know how to hold it together right now. By keeping my focus on something small. Simple. Like the sharp pain in my tongue.

I grind my jaw back and forth one last time, and I think I may need stitches by the time this is over. Then I do it...I say it again.

“I’m sorry this is so hard for you to accept. But I can’t tell you what you want to hear. I am not now, nor have I ever been, in love with you.”

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