Page 36 of Tin

I stop what I’m doing. Things just got serious. So it’s clearly time to deflect. “With clothes? That doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes.” He would.

“I’m going to takethatas a refusal to accept no,” I mumble. I don’t know why. I’m actually pretty excited. In spite of myself.

“Take it however you like. I’m coming over at seven. Be ready. And dressed.” He hangs up before I can say anything else. Like, “don’t come to my sister’s house.” Or...no, that first one would have pretty much covered it.

Since Nate left for work sometime before I even woke up this morning, I abandon the greater part of the house and head downstairs to my own little sanctuary, where I spend the day with Harley curled up at my feet and laptop propped up over my knees while I work out of bed. I love what I do. Maybe love is a strong word. I find it satisfying. Redeeming, even. And I need that. I need things that grant me some sort of redemption for the things I’ve done. I can’t say that out loud. Not in front of Kirsten. Or Devyn. Or even my parents; although, I think there are days they wonder about the girl they raised and how it happened that she vanishedright before their eyes. But not saying it to any of them doesn’t keep me from feeling it. And it doesn’t keep me from hoping against all hope that someday, just maybe, I’ll be able to give back what I took.

The day takes turns flying by and moving slow as molasses. Somewhere along the way, Kirsten comes down and insists I come out of my cave for a meal, and I wind up sharing some celery and peanut butter with Sophie while she sings me her rainbow song. Then I creep back downstairs for the simple solitude my soul craves so much of the time.

I get so involved in working, I don’t notice when time switches back into flying mode, and before I know it, six thirty has rolled around and I’m still sitting on my bed in the same clothes I wore last night. My computer nearly meets an untimely end as it almost falls from the bed after I jump up in a panic. I catch it just in time and then hurry over to put it back in the safe zone (aka, my desk), before I run for the shower.

Even in record time, I’m not getting ready in under thirty minutes, and my level of anxiety gradually climbs. When I hear the doorbell at seven, I’m still rushing around my room in my underwear.

Ten minutes later and I’m finally taking the steps two at a time to reach the main level, where I find Kirsten and Riker sitting casually in the formal living room having what appears to be a fairly pleasant conversation.

My sister sees me first. “You didn’t tell me you had a date tonight.”

I shrug. “Is it a date? I don’t know. Are we calling it that?” I glance over at Riker, expecting him to follow my lead and downplay the whole thing.

“Yes. We’re calling it that.” So much for downplaying. Then he makes matters worse by getting up from the couch and walking straight across the room to where I’m standing. “You look beautiful,by the way.” He pauses a second, then mumbles “Screw it” and kisses me. Right there. In front of my sister. And I melt, completely forgetting where we are.

Until I hear Nate’s voice. “Shep?”

Riker breaks away instantly. As soon as he sees Nate, his hand extends to him. “Hey, man. It’s been a long time.”

Nate shakes his hand longer than necessary, but he’s smiling, so I’m assuming everything is okay. “It has been a while.” He laughs. “So, you’re Quinn’s mystery man. Makes sense now. You guys meeting out at the ranch.” He finally lets go of Riker, who seems oddly interested in the floor.

“Yeah. I guess it would.”

Meanwhile, Kirsten and I have both been flipping our heads back and forth as if we’ve been watching a Ping-Pong match. And while I could continue watching to see how this plays out, Kirsten isn’t nearly that patient. “You two know each other?”

Nate nods. “Oh, yeah. We go way back. What? Third grade?”

“Sounds about right.” Riker’s keeping things more at eye level now, although he’s still not looking at me.

“How crazy.” Kirsten’s tone shifts gears. “Well, you two should get going. Don’t want to keep you from your date any longer.” She’s practically pushing us out the door, and I know it’s just so she can pump Nate for more backstory the second we leave. I’m sure she’s assuming I’m eager to do the same thing. Only I’m not. Because I got more backstory than I bargained for the second Nate saw Riker and called him “Shep.”

We’re not even touching while we walk out to his truck. It’s ridiculous, because he looks amazing in his worn and slightly ripped jeans and fitted button-up shirt. He’s got the top buttons undone, revealing his usual white t-shirt, and the sleeves are rolled up to just below his elbows, showing off his tattoos. Normally, I’d be all over him.

“He called you Shep.”

Riker nods. “He did. Most people I went to school with do.”

We reach his truck and stop.

“You’re James Shepherdson.” I’m not asking. I already know he is. Frankly, I’m a little embarrassed I didn’t realize it sooner. Of course, I wouldn’t have. I didn’t want to know.

“Riker’s my middle name. I’ve always used it. I wasn’t hiding this from you.” He sounds worried, and I get now why he was so busy studying the tile work in my sister’s living room. He’s wondering how I’ll react.

“You can’t hide something I deliberately ask you not to show.” After all, I’m the one who refused to listen last night when he wanted to talk. Clearly, this was on the list of things he wanted to share.

He turns toward me, drawing me to him until I have no choice but to look him square in the eyes. “When I first told you this thing between us couldn’t be more, I meant it. I never had any intention of telling you about my past. I was happy going with the fact that you didn’t need anything from me in the present, and I was depending on you never expecting anything from me in the future. Because when you showed up, I didn’t have one. All I had was a fucked-up past. And a dead-end present.” He brushes his thumb softly over my cheek. “And now? Fuck. I don’t know what now. All I know is I don’t feel like I did before that day I first saw you. My past is still fucked up. But my present is changing. And maybe that means the future is something I can dare to think about again.”

I shake my head. I don’t mean to. The second I do, a darkness rolls over his eyes and I know I’ve hurt him. It’s the last thing I’m trying to do. The opposite of what I want. I take his face in both my hands and kiss him. Deeply. And so long that I’m out of breath when I finally speak. “I’m not saying no to you, Riker. I’m saying I can’t say yes.” The quiver in my own voice shocks me.

“So say maybe.” His deep voice is husky and slightly strained. This is getting to him as well.

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