Page 16 of Tin

“I’m sorry, babe,” She sighs on the other end of the line. “Looks like we’re going to trial again.”

I bite my lip hard. Not because I’m about to cry, but because I want to feel the pain of piercing a hole into my own flesh with my teeth. Pain and pleasure seem to be the only two sensations still connecting me to this body, and I need to know I’m still in it right now.

“When?” I don’t know what I want her to say. Next week? So I can face it and get it over with? Two years from now so I can pretend until then that my life has the capacity to be normal? That it’s worth getting up every day. Worth planning for a future I may never really have.

“Three months. Trial is set to start August 19th. You’ll need to come back before then so we can discuss how we want to proceed. It’ll be different this time. It’s a civil trial, not criminal court. The stakes aren’t nearly as high, and I think it’s important that you know one verdict doesn’t guarantee another one. It’s a new trial. New judge. And a new opportunity to prove your innocence.”

I let out a harsh laugh. I don’t mean to. Devyn has been nothing but good to me. She’s seen me through everything and been there defending me every step of the way. Even when I was ready to give up and told her I didn’t need her to do so anymore.

“I’m sorry, babe. I really am.” And I know she means it. Even though she doesn’t have a damn thing to apologize for.

“Don’t be. Seriously. This is not your doing. It’s mine. I’m the reason for all of it. So now I need to figure out a way to face the next round of consequences.” I run my hand over my face and through my hair. I should really brush it. I don’t think I’ve done anything with it since I left Riker’s place early this morning after another one of our joint showers.

“Are you at least liking it out there? Are you getting out? Meeting people?” Devyn’s not much older than Kirsten, but she’s been like a second mother to me since the day I met her. Only one I actually feel like I can talk to. Probably because of that legally binding confidentiality agreement we have.

“I’m not getting out exactly...but I’m working a lot and I’ve got a little project I’m trying to grow into something bigger. Something that could maybe someday make a difference and would make me feel like I had more purpose in my life. Of course now I’m not sure there’s much point in pursuing it.” I flop backward onto my mattress and reach over to pet Harley, who’s lying curled up by my pillow.

“Don’t say that. Of course there’s a point in pursuing things. This trial is just a minor hiccup. The worst is already over, you’ll see.” She’s trying too hard to sound optimistic. Apparently, she doesn’t even believe herself. “I hate this. Please tell me you’re at least getting closer to your sister so that I don’t have to picture you there all alone, wallowing in self-hatred and despair until someone finds your stinky, decaying body.”

I roll my eyes at the ceiling. I suppose we don’t have the most conventional attorney-client relationship. “Kirsten is trying. I’m just not cooperating as well as she would like.” I pause for a moment, then decide she’s legally obligated to keep my secrets, so there’s no harm in telling her. “But you can rest easy knowing I will not be alone tonight and my body will live to be decay free another day.”

Her office chair squeaks, and I picture her leaning in. “Do tell.”

“His name is Riker. He lives a mile up the beach, and he is hot as hell. Also, he’s been fucking my brains out for the last month or so and it has done wonders for my mood swings.”

“Abigail Quincy, you watch your language.” Devyn tries to muffle her laughter, but I can still hear it. “But seriously, good for you, babe. You deserve it.”

“I don’t know what I deserve, but I know I’m taking it anyway. At least until August.” I squeeze my eyes shut as if that will somehow erase the new knowledge I’ve gained regarding my looming fate.

“Why does it have to stop in August? Wait. You haven’t told him, have you?” Her tone is quiet and almost sullen. Funny how I do that people. Take them from perfectly happy to perfectly miserable in no time at all.

“I haven’t. And I don’t plan to. That’s not what being with Riker is about. I was being very specific when I said I’ve been sleeping with him. That’s literally all we do. It’s not a relationship. And it’s not going to become one. And if you tell Kirsten any of this, I will have you disbarred.”

“You can’t have me disbarred for that, you psycho. Telling me about your little booty call hardly applies to your legal case or my job as your attorney. That was all girl talk, my friend. And I won’t tell. But because I’m not a gossip, not because you threatened me.” She’s laughing again, but it’s different. It’s dry and bittersweet, like it’s taking a great deal of effort.

“Thank you.” I force myself back into an upright position. I know this conversation is coming to an end, and if I wait too long I’ll just end up lying here all night curled up in a ball caught in some time warp where I’m still the old me, too scared and weak to get up.

“Well, I’m going to let you go in a sec so I can finish up here at the office and get the hell home...where there is no hot guy waiting to screw my brains out, I might add bitterly.” She chuckles, and I mimic her automatically. “But before I go, I’m going to impart one last little piece of wisdom on you, one single girl to another. You can only be intimate with a man for so long before you becomeintimate. Maybe you think your head is running this show, but I’m telling you, your heart isn’t far behind. So, you know, you should probably try talking to him in between your sexcapades.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to think I shouldn’t try talking toyou.” It’s not like I didn’t know she would say it. Of course she would insist on seeing the romantic side of life. It’s the fun side. The fairy tale side. Who wouldn’t prefer to live there?

“Yeah, okay. Bye, Quinn.”

“Bye, Devyn. And thank you.” Gratitude. That I still feel. Because that one comes from the soul.

“Always, babe. I’ve got your back. You know that.” There’s a brief moment of silence between us before the line breaks and she’s gone.

I glance at the time. Riker’s still not home.

“Wanna go for a run, boy?” Harley’s head perks up. Although, even he thinks going for a run means going to Riker’s now. Not that he minds. There’s been a steady stream of leftover peperoni pizza coming his way ever since it became a regular thing. Riker even started leaving an old quilt piled in the corner of the room for Harley to lay on. He made it look like it was just dumped there, awaiting some sort of fate that would eventually land it in the garbage can out front, but I know he did it so Harley would have somewhere comfy to hang out when we come over.

I’m on my feet again and making my way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, since I’m actually going to do the running thing, when there’s a surprise knock on my door and Kirsten’s head pops in, followed by the rest of her.

“Damn, girl, don’t you ever get tired?” She’s eyeing me in my shorts and sports bra. Thankfully, I’m still getting a workout either way, so my body still mostly reflects one of a runner’s.

“Just helps clear my head. You know that.” I try to smile. If I don’t smile, she’ll know something’s up. Not that I smile a lot. But I can feel my face doing the scowly thing, and it hasn’t done that in weeks.

“You know what else might help clear your head?” She says this in the most enticing way possible, and I already know I want to say no to whatever she has in mind.

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