Page 47 of Don't Fall

“Um, wind up?” I kind of thought that part was obvious, in fact, I figured it’s why she’s so agitated, but if she hasn’t connected the dots, I don’t think I’m going to do it for her.

“Tessa! You’re wearing the same outfit you wore yesterday, it’s pretty damn clear you haven’t been home since.”

“You know, you’ve been on me for days to go out and get some action, and now that I follow your advice, you’re acting like a crazy lady.”

Slowly, her stern expression morphs into a sly one. “You dirty bird. You finally hooked up with Casey!” She smacks both palms into her steering wheel in a very triumphant sort of way. “I knew it! Cara said some super-hot guy showed up and saved the day, and I just had a feeling it was him. Then you didn’t come home...ugh, I was so right about you two! I don’t know why you were so set on ending things early the first night.”

I sigh, dropping my head back against the seat. We’re on the road, and Drea may not be mad at me like I initially assumed, but she still drives like a maniac, so I’m not all too keen on bursting her bubble at the moment. Plus, with her as my chauffeur I may wind up arriving early when all is said and done and that’s a bonus I’m not willing to sacrifice this morning.

“Are you going to see him again?” Her eyes are glued to the road but somehow, I can still feel the boring look of curiosity she’s intending to give me.

I decide that him could mean anyone...could mean Lane. So, “Yep.”

“Good! And make sure you invite him over. Let your stupid professor see what it looks like when a guy is treating you the right way.” She nods, as if she’s confirming her own words of wisdom to herself.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m going to be inviting anyone over. There’s really no reason to overcomplicate things. We’re just...having fun.”

Drea turns toward me, eyeing me skeptically. “Fun is fine. Let Lane see that then.”

“Why?” I really don’t get what her obsession is with rubbing my pretend hook up with Casey in Lane’s face.

“Because, I want to make damn sure he knows to keep his distance. It’s bad enough you’re stuck with him all year. The more he’s reminded that having you close by is not the same as ‘having you’, the better.”

“You don’t think you’re being a little dramatic?”

Her ranting face turns from fired up to serious. “No. I’m not. I don’t want him to hurt you again. Not after everything you’ve already been through,” she admits quietly. “And after what happened the other night, I just want to make sure he doesn’t try anything else.”

“I know.” I fold my hands in my lap and stare at my palms, shame slowly seeping in at last. I don’t know what’s worse, lying to her or accepting there’s a possibility of truth in the things she’s saying. “But it’s okay. I’m okay. And Lane...it’s not going to be a problem. Trust me. I really don’t think he’s as bad as you think.”

She shrugs, clearly unwilling to admit she’s wrong about him. “Tessa, he was using you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry, but it’s the truth and you know it. He barely knows you and yet he was willing to totally jeopardize his career to be with you? It’s bullshit. Whatever brought him here can’t be anything short of some self-destructive act to be as reckless as possible. Why else would he be so quick to jump into bed with you – had to have been more than just your run of the mill horniness given he slept with Jules right before he made a move on you! And this whole risking living with you in the first place? I mean, I love you, but let’s face it, you don’t exactly make it easy for people to get close to you. And if he’s not in it because he cares, which clearly, he couldn’t, you’ll just wind up nothing but collateral damage along the way to his career suicide.”

My hands move up along my elbows in a less comforting and more self-pitying self-hug. “Damn, Drea. Thanks for that. I’m glad the person who’s known me longest finds me so utterly impossible to love. It’s filling me with all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

I don’t know that. I don’t know that at all. Because everything she just said plays on repeat in my mind twenty-four seven three hundred and sixty-five days a year, every year from the time I was twelve and not a single member of my immediate family lifted so much as a finger to hold onto me. It plays non-stop, a quiet murmur of hate I can never turn off, but have somehow learned to tune out from time to time. Until last night. Last night for the first time in as long as I can remember, the words were silent. An absence of self-doubt left room for new feelings to fill me up. Unsteady feelings. Feelings that weren’t nearly strong enough to withstand Drea’s reality check. Not love. Nothing even comparable to love. But something else. Something that made me feel wanted, just for me.

“It’s fine. I get it.” I can see the diner up ahead. This ride is almost over. And I’m going to be on time. Silver lining. It’s always there.

“It’s out of love, Tessa,” Drea tries one last time as she pulls into the parking lot.

“Yep.” I open the door, desperate to escape the car which suddenly feels a lot like a tiny tin can designed to suffocate you. “Thanks for the ride.” I move to shut the door and pause, leaning back in, “Don’t worry about picking me up. Campus isn’t too far. I’ll just walk.”

“Tessa...”

I close the door and turn toward the diner. One mountain climbed, another to go.

It’s senior citizen central when I step inside. It always is. Between the early crack of dawn hours and the near proximity to at least three assisted living facilities I can name just off the top of my head, it’s no surprise.

“Two?” The hostess smiles. Guess she’s getting used to our schedule.

“Yes, please.” Normally I request a booth, but I have a feeling she remembers that as well.

Before long I’m sitting in the back of the restaurant, near the restrooms, staring at a menu I learned inside out at least three months ago while a selective stream of random words replays itself inside my head, taking me to down further with each spiraling hateful cycle.

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