Page 36 of Don't Fall

He frowns. “We did?”

“Yeah. Look, I didn’t sleep with you because you seduced me, or charmed my damn panties off by killing my braincells with your good looks. I wanted to sleep with you. In fact, I seriously needed to get laid. And you took care of that need. You were a means to an end.”

“You used me.” His eyes narrow.

“Funny, how that’s a problem for you now that you’re on the other end of that statement,” I snap.

I watch as his pretty face hardens, morphing it into something less pleasant and slightly scary, yet still strikingly beautiful in its now pissed off state.

His mouth moves briefly, before he seems to decide no more words are necessary and remains silent, matching my dagger throwing glare blade for blade.

I hold it just long enough to prove I can, and then I take my sweet ass time, turning around and walking out. I even practice an impressive amount of self-control and don’t slam his door upon exiting. Step by step, I get closer to my own bedroom door. I turn the knob. I get inside. And then, I drop.

My knees buckle, and my back drags carelessly along the door until my ass meets the floor with a painful thud.

Tears begin to fall, silently at first. Then Dick shows up, reminding me just how inadequate and unlovable I am and how I’m going to be a crazy cat lady forever and all hope is lost. Silent sobs heave in my chest, a painful truth spearing its way through these messy feelings. My heart was never out of his reach. It’s been there right in the palm of his hand from the moment he came along and placed those gross-ass frozen lima beans on my busted toe. One stupid little gesture, one tiny act of caring and kindness and I was willing to let him in. Because kindness and care are rare in my world and I wanted it to mean something. Wanted all of this, all of the chaos and confusion and the loss and hurt and...just all of it...to be for a reason. To make sense. But it doesn’t. Or at least, not in the way I’d hoped. It makes perfect sense of course, from his perspective. He got screwed by the woman he loves, what better way to turn things around than to go around screwing every woman who crosses his path.

I’m about to start crawling toward my bathroom when my door creaks open and Drea carefully pokes her head in looking for me. As soon as she takes in the horrific scene before her, she drops to her knees, landing at my side. It’s her turn to peel me off the ground this time.

“What happened? Why are you crying? Why are holding most of your clothes instead of wearing them? I saw Jules leave. Why did she need to talk to Lane this morning? She wouldn’t tell me. Why are you in pieces?” Drea rambles, her hands smoothing back my hair so she can see my face and better assess my mental and emotional state of being.

I help her out. “I’m a wreck. An awkward, socially unacceptable hot mess,” I sob. “And I had sex with Lane.” I sniff, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand and trying for some sort of self-control. Then I lose it again. “And then Jules showed up to return the phone he forgot at her place last night.”

“Oh, Tessa,” she sighs, patting me on the head like I’m five. Or a dog. “Why would you go out and do something dumb like that? It’s so not your style.”

“I know,” I whine, “You made me!”

“No, no, no, no, no.” She slides her legs out in front of her, resting her back along the wall beside me. “I made you put on a little dress and high heels, so you could go out and bang a casual acquaintance of Scott’s. I did not at any point suggest you have a one-night stand with the professor you have a mad crush on and live with, who was out with our mutual friend last night prior to coming home and making a move on you. That would be seriously detrimental advice, and years of friendship should have taught you that I may make seriously detrimental decisions for myself but I never, ever advise you to do the same. Ever. I give you all my best shit. You get the goods, I get the crap life experience. It’s only fair, given the real crap life you landed for yourself.” She curls her arm around my face and mushes my cheek to her chest, planting an excessive number of kisses on top of my head.

“I’m so stupid.” My shoulders sag as I let out the last of my pitiful moments in a long, noisy breath.

“You’re not stupid. You did something really, really stupid. But you, are not stupid.”

I move out of her embrace and thump my head against the wall behind me. “I feel stupid. I actually thought something significant was happening between us. It just felt so...intense.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Drea remarks dryly, her arm hooking into mine, the side of her head resting on my shoulder.

“No, not that...well, that too. But even before...we just had this weird...connection. I can’t explain it. I just felt like he really, genuinely got me. Even after we had a whole talk about not having feelings, I still kind of let myself think that maybe they were there...maybe it was real. I don’t know.” I shake my head, trying to release all of the childish hopes I allowed to build briefly within my own silly mind.

“I do,” Drea says quietly. “You spend all this time always being so on point with everything in your life. Ever since you moved in with Aunt Edi, it was all about taking care of her, making sure you were never a burden. You pushed yourself to be the best at everything all the time. You insist on being responsible and level-headed even when the rest of your peers are being idiot jackasses because no matter what, disappointing your aunt is never an option. But that means you’re constantly stuck taking care of everyone else too. Meanwhile, everyone is so caught up in their own shit, they don’t stop to look back and see that you’re there always keeping it all together for us. And then along comes Lane, making bagels and coffee and doing his best to try and fix what Meredith fucked up and you catch a glimpse of what it’s like to have someone else looking out for you for a change. Someone you don’t have to take care of and can’t disappoint.” She sighs softly, “I’m sure having someone come along who cut through all your bullshit and wanted to take care of you for a change, was a really intoxicating offer.” She lifts her head to look up at me. “He’s the asshole, Tessa. The really dumb asshole. Because he had a chance to get to know you, really see you, amazing you, and he fucking blew it.”

I sniff, trying to decide if I’m going to buy into the bullshit she’s feeding me or not. My ability to function and get my ass to campus this morning kind of depends on it, so I roll with it. “You’re right. He’s totally the idiot here.”

“Yes!” She nods to reinforce her show of conviction. “And I’m going to tell him first chance I get!”

“Um, no. You’re definitely not going to do that.”

“Yeah, I am. And I’m going to tell Jules, too. She needs to know what a two-timing loser he is!”

Sharp, shooting pain through my left eyebrow reminds me why crying sucks so bad. “God, I can’t ever face Jules. Ever again. And how gullible am I anyway? When has Jules ever NOT closed a deal?!” My stomach turns in disgust. “I think I might be sick.” I scramble to my feet and hurry off to my bathroom, throwing the door shut behind me.

Hugging the toilet, I begin to cry again. The nausea is passing, but the heartache is far from over. And it’s not even about him. It’s about me. I’m furious with myself. Pissed beyond reason I allowed myself to wind up here. That’s what I get for always being wound so fucking tight, looking down on everyone else’s dumbass mistakes, thinking I’m immune to being a dipshit. I’m not. Worse, my tightly wound core snapped and I became the biggest dipshit of all. Hooking up with a guy I can’t escape on any level for the foreseeable future. A guy who was on a date with one of my girl’s right before I got swept up in my horny stupidity. I’m not just an idiot, I’m a horrible friend.

I hear the door creak open behind me and I know Drea’s back for another round of scrape Tessa off the floor.

“You’re not perfect,” she points out. Crueler words have never been spoken in a gentler tone.

“I know that.” I just try really hard not to accept it.

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