Page 67 of Don't Fall

Chapter Eighteen

Tessa

Watching Lane walk out shatters some small part of me. That part won’t die. It’ll just lie there in pieces with the others. I’m not sure which kills me more, losing him, or knowing where to hit hard enough to make him go.

The sound of doors slamming repeatedly, follows his exit. Shortly after, I can hear an engine rev to life and tires screech as they peel out of the parking lot. I get it. It’s one thing to watch your ship crash against the rocks, it’s another entirely to watch it sink. That’s why I’m over here too, hiding, while Drea does my dirty work collecting the bits of my life I’ll get to keep even when all of this is over.

I have no idea how much time has passed when she comes in, heaving trash bags and shoving bins across the floor using her feet. It’s dark out, so I’ve been sitting here awhile.

“Why are you on the ground?” Drea asks, tossing the lightest of her load onto the sofa and coming toward me.

“Didn’t have the energy to go anywhere else,” I admit, sounding precisely as pathetic as I feel.

She comes up beside me, sliding down the kitchen cabinets until her butt lands on the floor too. “What did you say to him?” she asks quietly.

“What I knew would work,” I mumble, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands. I haven’t cried. Not since that one tear. I’ve passed the point of crying. I’m not sure what lies beyond it, but I’m there. It’s eerie and empty and feels a lot like I what I used to imagine when I read articles about people going through surgery with failed anesthesia. Alert but completely trapped within yourself. Feeling every excruciating step of the way with no possible outlet of expression or relief.

“This is so not how I saw this weekend playing out,” she sighs, head leaning back against the cabinets.

“You weren’t planning on me moving in? Why didn’t you see that coming, Drea?” I tease, but it’s too soon for jokes. Even for me.

“I made reservations at The Rose Garden for Thursday night. I thought for sure if I pushed you out on a date with some other guy, it would make you two see how stupid you were being and finally admit how crazy you both are about each other,” she whines in frustration. “I had all these plans for your birthday Tessa, it was going to be so special.”

I drop my head to rest on her shoulder. “It worked, you know. Last night...everything changed.” And just like that, the tears come.

***

COME MONDAY MORNING, the world reminds me it’s still spinning, and life, while hazy, is carrying on whether I’m ready or not. I’m not.

Scott was quick to handle selling my car for me. He even got me most of what I needed to for it and the rest I can make up if I work a couple extra shifts this week. I need to keep busy anyway. Busy helps to keep numb, and numb is my current state of operation.

Going back to school is easy. I let it consume me. Every last bit of knowledge being thrown my way, I take it, I devour it, I research it and find more. Going back to my Psyche class. That’s impossible. At least this week. Next week, I’ll do better. I have to. It’s way too late in the game to drop it and my scholarship depends on passing.

When I’m not studying or working, I’m running my ass off. I used to think it was freeing. Running. Now it’s just one more loop I can’t escape, another cycle I can’t fucking break. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. From pushing myself faster. Longer. Until I get back to Drea’s at the end of the night too exhausted to think or feel anything anymore. Numbness. It becomes me.

Four days into this week and I’ve lost eleven pounds and most of my mind, the rest is hanging on by studies alone.

Drea hardly talks to me. Just keeps shoving food in my face. Food I can’t eat because I feel nauseous day in and day out. This morning is no different.

“Eat the pancakes. Scott made them, so you know they’re good,” she insists.

“I can’t. I’m meeting Riley.” I swing my messenger bag over my shoulder and start for the door.

“Are you serious? Or are you just coming up with new ways to avoid food?”

“It’s the first Thursday of the month. This is when we always meet. You know that.”

Drea moves out of the kitchen to come and block the door. “She sold you out to your mother and you’re telling me you’re just going to go meet her for your stupid breakfast date and pretend nothing happened?” she screeches. “What makes you think she’ll even show?!’

“Well, considering my mom is waiting on her cash, I’m guessing she’ll see to it that Riley makes it.” I start to take a step around her, but Drea darts out again to stop me. “Are you kidding me with this?”

“No. I think it’s a bad idea.” She turns around and snags her keys from the hook by the door. “Give me the cash. I’ll deliver it. Consider it a birthday present.”

My heart sinks. I was kind of trying to forget all about that part of my day. “You have to let me do this, Drea. I need this. I need to see her. I have to try and understand how she could do this,” I plead with her.

Finally, she surrenders. “Fine. But no matter what she says or how she cries, you are not to let it slide. And you definitely will not pay for her breakfast.”

“Deal.”

---