Page 18 of Love Me

I know that I’m touch starved, using my vibrator only takes the edge off, and that’s after I’ve held off so long, I feel like I’m going to erupt. What I really want is to feel someone wanting me in a way that I’m now wondering if I’ve ever even felt before. Something all-consuming, life-shattering.

The last time Levi and I had sex was after a huge fight. I used it to try to smooth things over, to try to reconnect with him and show him that I wanted him to come around more, that we could be a family. After he fucked me, using me as a vessel for a quick lay, he abruptly stood up, looked down at me, and told me I was pathetic. I haven’t tried since.

“You’re an ass. That would be a terrible mistake and you know it. Sex is off the table. No touching. That’s our rule.”

“Fine. No touching, except light touches when needed in public. What about kissing?”

My head jerks back and I look at him like he’s crazy. “What about it?” I ask with a little more shock and attitude than probably necessary.

“I may have to kiss you, Hannah. You are my fiancée, after all.” His voice drops, no longer filled with teasing, his eyes flicking to my lips. My tongue darts out and swipes across them in response, and for the first time in my life, the thought of kissing Liam crosses my mind.

And it doesn’t sound bad at all.

Shit. I really am touch starved.

He moves closer, his eyes heavily lidded and pupils dilated as his palm rises to my face, pushing my hair out of the way and tucking it behind my ear, barely a whisper of a touch. My breath hitches as he lays his warm hand against my cheek, and I jerk back at the contact.

“Bear, knock it off. We said no touching.”

“Han, with the way you just flinched away from me, it’s clear you need to get used to me touching you the way a husband touches his wife.”

My mouth falls open because I never thought I would hear those words come from his mouth. Shock hits me first, but then a surprising part of me, a part that I don’t want to dissect right now, wants to know exactly what it would feel like to be touched the way ahusbandtouches what’s his. He reaches his hand back up to repeat the action and I slap his hand away.

Shit. He’s good. This must be how the women fall at his feet. Warmth pools at my center, my body prickling with anticipation. He’s nailed his moves. Liam exudes confidence, sexual prowess that I’ve never been on the receiving end of before. That explains it.

And the tequila.

“I know how to act, bear, trust me. Don’t forget I’ve been with Levi for the last five years. I’m the best actress that ever lived. I can act with you, too.”

Liam’s eyes squint as he leans into my space, his lips next tomy ear, his breath tickling me as he speaks. “Beauty, if you were with me, there would be no need to fake a goddamn thing.”

My skin breaks out in goosebumps as he pulls back, flipping open the lid to the pizza box and pulling out a slice like he didn’t just successfully leave me hot and bothered.

And confused as fuck.

I wake up with a jolt, the alarm of my phone blaring obnoxiously next to my face, where it fell out of my hand as my body finally gave in to sleep not long ago. I sit up slowly, bracing for a wave of nausea, the room swaying for a second before steadying. My head is pounding thanks to last night’s tequila marathon, and my dry, gritty eyes protest as I force them open in my dark room. Last night was near sleepless, my mind racing, spinning on its own axis and out of control. None of it truly seems real, just a drunken hazy memory of something that couldn’t possibly have happened to begin with.

Forcing myself out of bed and into a hot shower, I wash, albeit sluggishly, and then step out to dry off and blow dry my hair. After getting through my morning routine and pulling on a pair of jeans and a Bean Haven T-shirt, I check on my sleeping baby girl before starting my long day.

I feel the tension in the pit of my stomach that never seems to leave anymore as I pull myself together to sneak downstairs through the interior door that leads directly to the bakery, body operating on autopilot. Pulling out all of my ingredients, I get started on the goods that keep driving everyone into my little shop day after day, slowly waking up in the process. I lose track of time as I let myself go to the same routine I follow everymorning—mixing ingredients, rolling out dough, scooping batter, in the oven and out, rinse and repeat, all while watching my daughter sleep right above me on the baby monitor, the soft tunes of Third Eye Blind coming from my headphones.

The revelation of Levi’s secret life in Seattle shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, but the weight of it sits like a bomb in the pit of my stomach. What is wrong with me and Charlie that kept him away from us? That made him not want to be a family? My emotions warred with each other all night as my body fought off the effects of the tequila, and this morning isn’t any better. While I realized I wasn’t in love with Levi a long time ago, I’ve been living in this never-ending cycle, trying to force a square into a round hole. We share a child, why wouldn’t we share a life? And if Levi doesn’t want me, then what now?

His new life cements a new fear. He and I won’t ever be anything, so where does that leave my daughter? Just the thought of her traveling back and forth to live with him and his new girlfriend and child—a child that is technically her sibling—makes me anxious, and I don’t know if my heart could take it. It would be an entirely different feeling if he played an active role in her life and we simply didn’t work. But Charlie doesn’t know him. He’s never made it a priority to create a relationship with her. Would I be expected to share custody with him? Would he even want that? He doesn’t care about her now, so why should I even worry about that?

The back of my mind is also acutely aware of the icing on my shitty life cake, that my parents have threatened to sell Bean Haven if I don’t settle down and get my shit together. Even if Liam thinks he’s found the cure to all of my problems, all I can see right now is that my life is literally crashing and burning around me in a rapid blaze and no matter what I do, how hard I work, or how much effort I put in, it will never be enough foranyone. The saddest part of it all? I don’t even feel the heat of the flames anymore.

My alarm goes off, reminding me to open Bean Haven, so I wash my hands of the sticky dough and pull out my headphones. Flour coats my apron and while I would normally take it off and hang it up to make myself more presentable for customers, this morning, I just don’t have it in me to care.

When I get to the glass door, I’m not surprised to see people waiting, even though it’s five in the morning. The sun is peeking through the thick cloud cover today and I have to squint as it reflects off the snow-covered sidewalk. Doing my best to stifle a yawn, I unlock the door and hold it open for Wes and his wife Lily to walk in, followed by Liam’s good friend, Officer Owen Hopkins, who must be coming off of his night shift.

“Hey, you two!” I greet Wes and Lily. Their relationship is still a little shocking to everyone, considering Wes is her ex-boyfriend’s dad and all. But honestly, I called it way before it happened. The way that man looked at her was anything but innocent.

“Hi, Hannah. Are you still selling pumpkin spice lattes by any chance?” Wes asks.

“I’m sorry, I’m out for the season. I promise they will be back in September. Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Black coffee for me, and a caramel latte for Lilith.”

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