Page 12 of Love Me

“I wouldn’t have to if you put in some goddamn effort to be her father.”

“Here comes the fucking nagging. I don’t need to listen to this shit. I’ve got my own shit going on here.”

The goddamn audacity. It’s not supposed to be this way. How can he not want to be with her as often as possible? Wemade the most beautiful tiny human, and he doesn’t want to be a part of our family.

“Wow. I’m sorry we’re such an inconvenience for you, Levi. You think you’re the only one who has stuff going on? I’m running Bean Haven and raising our daughter alone. While you’re what? On a damn boat? What are you even doing right now, Levi? What’s stopping you from driving the few hours here to see us? To see Charlie. To be with us.”

“Will you shut up with this shit already, Hannah? Poor you, life’s so hard,” he mocks. “You asked for this. You decided to keep her. Not me. You made your bed, Hannah, now you get to lay in it alone. If I wanted you, I’d be there. Hope you’re happy ’cause no one else is gonna fuckin’ want you now.”

“Wow. Fuck yourself, Levi.”

“Yep, because I sure as hell won’t fuck you again.”

I jam my finger into the end button, hanging up on the bastard, adrenaline making me feel nauseous. I wipe at my face furiously, refusing to shed any more tears over him and my failed relationship. I’m just sad for my daughter. How can someone create something so perfectly beautiful and not feel any desire at all to take care of her? To have a relationship with her at a minimum. My heart breaks for that precious girl who only knows good. She doesn’t deserve to be tainted by such vile selfishness.

My rage simmers, leaving nothing but hate for a man who gave me the greatest gift in the world. My stomach flips over again, nausea rising further. It’s hard to fathom I ever saw anything in him to begin with. Liam warned me about Levi multiple times, had a deeply rooted hate for him that I still don’t understand outside of how Levi treats me and Charlie. But I was so desperate for attention that I fell back into a pattern with a man who had already hurt me once before. Theydon’t change, and it’s a lesson I learned too late. At least I got Charlie out of it.

The only reason I hang on to him anymore is for her. But what good is it doing? My parents may not be winning any parenting awards, but at the end of the day, I know they love me and my sisters. They always want the best for us, even if what we want isn’t what their idea of success is. Not a day went by that my dad didn’t rush right home to my mom, or to spend time with us girls. They may be holding Bean Haven over my head, but at least the offer to move to California with them is there, not that I would ever take it.

Levi is deeply flawed if he doesn’t want a relationship with Charlie. I will just have to work overtime to make sure she feels all the love and protect her from all the future disappointment that is bound to come from her piece of shit sperm donor. Because that’s all he is at this point. I don’t know how to go on from this, from failing at something so basic as starting and keeping a family.

I’m at a point where I just need something. An epiphany? A fairy godmother? A sign from some higher being? Maybe a yellow brick road will magically appear and show me the way. How the hell do I figure out where to go from here? I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked hard for because I wasn’t enough to keep the man I share a child with. He’s right, who the hell is going to want me now? A single mother, workaholic.

After pulling myself together and letting my rage drop to a rolling simmer, I go find my daughter, who’s playing with dolls in her room.

“Hey, baby cakes. Want to help your mama make dinner?”

“Yes! What are we having?” she squeals.

“We’re having your FAVORITE!” I yell the last word, amplifying my excitement for her.

“FRENCHTOAST?”

“FRENCH TOAST!” I echo back, matching her enthusiasm.

“Can bear come? He loves French toast, too!”

“He does love French toast, but he can’t come over until late tonight ’cause he’s working on something new and exciting. You’ll be asleep. But guess who’s taking you to school tomorrow?”

“Bear is? Cause Uncle Carter didn’t do the dance.”

I gasp in horror, and her light little laugh—that is music to my ears—floats through the air.

“We’re gonna have to talk to Uncle Carter because he needs to learn the dance if he’s going to drop you off again.”

Charlie and I work in the kitchen together with our ’90s music playlist blaring in the background. Nights like this with just me and my girl make me feel better. She’s happy and has no idea what she’s missing. It’s just that lingering fear that I’m not giving her everything she could have that makes me feel like such a failure. I so badly want to give her a stable home with two parents who love each other and love her just as much.

After dinner, we move through her bedtime routine—taking a bath and getting into her favorite PJs. Pulling out her favorite book,When the World Is Ready for Bed, we take turns reading. Well, me saying a line and pausing, and her saying the next. We’ve read this one no less than a few times a night for the last year, and she has the entire book memorized.

Kissing my baby goodnight, I leave her in her big girl bed to go about the rest of my evening alone.

Needing to decompress, I strip out of my clothes and get into the shower, not bothering to wait for the water to heat up. I’ve always been good at deflecting what anyone has to say or think of me. I have a tough exterior, and I’ve never fallen prey to people’s harsh words or opinions.

But Levi’s struck a chord. Am I going to be alone forever? Charlie’s part of this package, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t love her just as much. I wouldn’t trade her for anything, but I can’t help but wonder if I didn’t inadvertently sign myself up for a lifetime of loneliness.

The early morning hustle and bustle has gradually faded, allowing me a few moments of peace and quiet before it picks back up again around lunchtime. My phone rings from the kitchen, the erratic alarm blaring as a warning of the caller. Dropping my head back and groaning to the ceiling, I snatch it off of the counter and click “accept”.

“Hello, life giver, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

---