Page 11 of Love Me

“Fuck you!” I yell.

We grapple with each other until we end up on the hard floor. Sawyer doesn’t throw any punches, just holds me in close and braces for each of my hits. It pisses me off even more.

“Fight back, shithead! We all know you love a good fight!”

“Not when you’re clearly working through something. So hit me if you have to, but get it the fuck out so you’re dealing with it with a level head!”

“Fuck,” I jerk out of his hold around my neck, shoving him hard.

“You gonna talk or continue to take it out on me? Do what you gotta do.”

Straightening, I pick up my hat from where it fell on the floor and run my hand through my hair, pacing in front of Sawyer. I look behind me up the stairs where the women retreated while we fought, to make sure no one is nearby who could potentially hear me before talking, but decide I don’t want to do this shit here.

“I’m done. I don’t want to talk about it.” I shoot Dallas ahard glare when he goes to open his big mouth. This isn’t the time nor the place, and I don’t want to spread Hannah’s business before she even knows about it.

“Let’s just get through dinner so I can get home. I’ll deal with my shit.”

“You know we’re here for you, right?” Sawyer reminds me.

“Yeah, I know. Just, some things need to be handled alone.”

I’m not going to be able to lean on my family to help with this one.

CHAPTER 4

hannah

Monday evenings suck.

It’s Levi’s day to call, and it’s the same excuses every week. Sometimes I don’t even get the courtesy of an excuse, so I guess those are better than being ghosted. It always puts such a damper on the start of the week, especially after spending the previous day with my favorite people. I’ve been going to the majority of the Hayes family dinners for as long as I can remember. They’re my second family, and I’d be lost without that crazy bunch.

Living in a small town, everyone pretty much knows everyone. But I didn’t really know Levi until later in high school. We were both seniors, and I had spent the majority of the year working at Bean Haven, studying, and spending my weekends at the drive-in theater with Liam. Levi pursued me, and what started as casual fun nights of hooking up, got shitty real fast when I found out he was cheating on me with some chick from a school in the next town over. We weren’t in a monogamous relationship, and that was later thrown in my face when I confronted him about it.

We didn’t speak again for a few years. I went away with Liam to college in Oregon and hated every moment of it. Our junior year I dropped out and moved back to Aspen Ridge to work at my grandmother’s coffee shop and bakery full-time. A year later, after one drunken night at The Night Owl, I found myself pants down in the back of Levi’s car. What started as a one-night stand continued.

I was easily wrapped up in the heat of all of it. My parents were at me constantly about going back to school, when all I wanted to do was bake in our small town. I love Aspen Ridge, and I feel happiest when my hands are covered with flour in my grandmother’s bakery. Why can’t that be enough?

I was at a low point, desperate, feeling bad about myself, and I easily got wrapped up in the feeling of being desired. Or what I thought at the time was desire. I used what little time Levi gave me as an escape. It wasn’t ever love, or passion. It was two young adults being idiots fucking in the back of a car. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the same month I would have graduated from college. When Levi found out, he lost his shit, and I have never been more thankful for my sisters, Liam, and the entire Hayes family for getting me through the last few years. Levi certainly hasn’t been around to do it.

When he got the contract aboard a commercial fishing vessel out of Seattle, it was honestly a relief. It was never a question of whether I would go with him or not. I didn’t feel the urge to ask, and he didn’t offer. I assumed we would do the long-distance thing and work on building our lives as a family, even if that meant living apart for a while.

I moved into my apartment above Bean Haven, Levi moved to Seattle, and I’ve been trying to force this thing for the last several years, for the sake of my daughter. I should have expected to be out of sight out of mind, but because I can’t fathom not seeing my daughter every day, I assumed he wouldfeel the same. I guess some people just don’t get the paternal/maternal genes and some do.

An hour after he was due to call, I drop down onto my bed and pick up my phone, my fingers hovering over the call button. I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of the missed opportunities and the disappointment. Tired of feeling like I’m attached to another person who doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us.

Becoming a mom as young as I did and doing it without the support of my partner and parents has been more than difficult. I lost the opportunity to take time for myself, to experience life and figure out what I like and what I don’t. I’ve been too busy working my ass off to ensure that my daughter doesn’t feel the loss of not having two parents, or grandparents that are present and active in her life. I deserve more than my situation. My daughter deserves more.

Resigned to get this over with, I connect the call and wait. Just as I’m about to hang up, Levi answers.

“Hey.” His voice is monotone, withdrawn, almost annoyed.

“Hey? You were supposed to call an hour ago,” I bark, my tone clipped and short.

“Oh, shit. Yeah, is it Monday already?”

“Yeah, Levi. It’s Monday. We were going to plan our daughter’s fourth birthday party. You remember her, Charlotte?”

“Of course, I remember her, Hannah, you remind me she exists every chance you get.”

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