Page 46 of Faking It with my Hockey Crush

But the truth is, Megan’s arrival and swift departure have left me a bit shaken. It’s bad enough that I don’t really know what’s going on in my heart. Well, okay, that’s not true. I know exactly what’s going on in my heart. It’s my head I’m struggling with. Surely, how I reacted to her being here should have told me enough, right?

And yet, I’m still scared of admitting the truth to myself, or to Ryan, for that matter. I just can’t face that depth of humiliation again. Yes, those scars are still there, and yes, perhaps I’m holding on to them a little too much. But pain is pain, and anyone who’s put their hand on a hot stove doesn’t run back and do it again in any hurry.

Tonight, we’re going to a dinner party and charity function. We have to keep showing up in public to keep the hounds happy, or so Ryan keeps saying. But even though I’m wearing a beautiful gown and my hair is pinned up intricately, and yes, I will admit that I look pretty good, the outside does not reflect the inside because I still can’t shift this fear.

When I open my front door to Ryan’s loud knocking, his eyes widen as he looks me up and down.

“Holy cow,” he breathes.

I smile nervously and feel my cheeks go red at his reaction.

“You look amazing,” he continues.

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I reply.

And I’m not flattering him, either. He’s donned a slim-fitting blue suit, white shirt, and matching tie, which makes him look even taller than he actually is. It also makes him look rather darned gorgeous.

But once all the admirations are over and we’re on our way, I slip back into myself, gazing out of the window, quietly torturing myself with a hundred questions that I don’t have the answers to.

“You okay?” he asks for the third time.

“Yep,” I lie, giving him the same answer I’ve given him twice already.

“You don’t look okay,” he says.

I don’t turn to look at him as he drives into the city. I can’t. I’m too scared that my eyes will give everything I’m feeling away.

“I just have some stuff on my mind.”

“Talk to me, Emma. We’re supposed to be together.”

“It’s not real, Ryan,” I growl back, my biting tone surprising even me.

“Oh, I know,” he snaps back. “You’ve made that perfectly clear over the last few days.”

I spin my head to look at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean”—he flicks me a glance before looking back to the road—“you’ve hardly spoken to me over the last few days. Like it was my fault that Megan turned up out of the blue.”

He turns a corner and signals toward a parking garage before pulling into the low-ceilinged structure. A second later, he’s brought the car to a sharp stop.

With his eyebrows pinched together, he spins to scowl at me. “Don’t you think I would have done something about it if I could?” he barks.

“Like you did all those years ago?” I bite back. The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

“What?” he blurts.

Looking at the utter astonishment on Ryan’s face, I want to shove those words back to where they came from, but it’s too late, and I’m angry, so I rant on.

“You humiliated me back in high school, and these last few days, I’ve been humiliated all over again.” There. I said it. The cat is now well and truly out of the bag. In fact, it’s currently strolling down the road, trying to hitch a ride.

Ryan’s mouth has fallen open, and he’s looking at me in stunned silence, like I’ve just told him the car’s about to explode. But surely, he remembers what he did all those years ago.

For a long moment, he doesn’t speak, which, I will admit, is a novelty because Ryan always has an answer for everything. Eventually, though, he seems to shake himself from his stupor, and still looking me dead in the eye, he says, “It was just a joke, Emma.” His voice is pained, like he only realizes now the damage he did. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Yes, well,” I sigh, “maybe if I hadn’t been crushing on you for two years, I would have taken it that way. But I was, and so, your rejection hurt me more than you can ever imagine.”

And again, his mouth falls open.

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