Page 78 of Worthy

″We should be done in the next day or so.” I ignore him, because I don’t want to have this conversation. I know my life is about to change for the worse and don’t need Deacon to point it out.

″You don’t have to pretend,” he continues. “You look fucking miserable, and I know it’s because of him.”

″It’s not because of him.” I shove my phone in my pocket.

″Of course, it is. Instead of getting him out of your system, you managed to get him stuck in it.” He shakes his head, looking at me like I’m pathetic. I probably am.

″That’s not his fault.”

″Maybe, maybe not. Look,” he exhales, “I know I wasn’t your biggest supporter this summer, or his, but I’d rather have no wingman than a depressed one, and if you’re this depressed now, I hate to think what you’re gonna be like after he leaves.”

″What’s your point?” I rub a hand over my face.

″Don’t let him leave,” he says matter-of-factly.

I hate how everyone thinks it’s that easy. My dad, Finn, now Deacon. They all think my feelings have the power to keep Maddox here, and I should completely ignore the fact he’d be giving up everything he’s ever worked for if he stays.

His dreams.

His ambitions.

His desire to succeed on his own merits.

Sure, maybe I can convince him to staynow, but he’d grow to hate me for it when he regrets abandoning his goals in life to date me. I’d rather miss him like crazy than have him resent me one day.

″Whether he stays or goes isn’t my call.” I sink to the retaining wall as my energy wanes.

″Let’s try this another way,” Deacon starts. “Do you think he’d want to stay? He’s obviously as interested in you as you are in him.”

I close my eyes and shake my head slowly. “Wasn’t too long ago he mentioned not knowing what he’ll do after he’s done with his thesis. If staying here was on his radar I’m sure he would’ve said something.”

Deacon blows out a breath. “That sucks, cousin. I’m sorry.”

″It is what it is.” I shrug, trying to downplay how sick I feel at the thought of him leaving. “I knew this had an expiration date.”

″Yeah, but you didn’t expect to fall for him, did you?” He sounds almost sympathetic.

″No, that part was a surprise.” I sigh, feeling somewhat relieved by the admission.

″Shit. I’m never gonna fall for anyone like that. If this is what it does to you it’s not worth it,” Deacon shakes his head.

″This part sucks for sure. But there were good parts too. Great parts.” I smile up at him sadly.

″Like sleeping with only one man?” I can’t tell if he’s being genuinely curious, or sarcastic, like he’s trying to cheer me up by implying I can go back to sleeping around.

″Don’t knock it until you try it, cousin. Fucking phenomenal.”

″Pfft.” He waves his hand dismissively. “Not from where I’m sitting. No man is worth the way you look right now. And before you jump down my throat, I like Maddox, really. But if this is what relationships do to you, I want no part of it.” He shudders.

″I hear you. I used to think that too. But the right person has a way of making you think differently. The right person makes everything feel like it fits.” I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees, too tired and depressed to sit straight.

″Everything?” Deacon takes a seat next to me with a sly grin.

″I’m not talking about sex.” I give his shoulder a quick shove. “I’m talking about all of it. Hanging out together, talking, sleeping next to someone. Before you have someone to do that stuff with you don’t realize you’re missing anything, but after, it’s almost like…” I stare towards the mountains that always used to make things seem okay. “He gets me in a way no one ever has, even you if I’m being honest since you think I’ve lost my mind. And even the parts of me I’m not overly proud of he can find good in. I never expected someone to see me that way, and the fact he does makes me feel like he’s sort of the perfect fit for me. Like I’m finally whole. I don’t know any other way to explain it.” I slump forward.

I see Deacon from the corner of my eye, staring at me with his mouth hanging open, like he can’t believe that sappy shit just came out of my mouth. Truth is, neither can I, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

″You’ll get it one day,” I say to him even though I’m staring at the ground. “And I’m going to enjoy saying ‘I told you so’ when it happens.”

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