Page 2 of Beautifully Complicated

“Damien said you have a key to his place.”

Bennet worries his lip, as if he’s debating how to answer. “Yeah—” he nods slowly “—for discretion.”

“Damien’s in the closet?”

“Not him. Me.”

My eyes flare wide. “You? You live with five gay guys and you’re in the closet? Who exactly are you hiding from, cause it’s sure as shit not us, right?”

I’m expecting him to spew out a correction. Or apologize for the misunderstanding. What I’m not expecting is his total silence, or for the biggest, strongest man I know to visibly shrink before me.

“You hid your sexuality fromme?” My voice cracks on the last word.

“I wasn’t hiding. I didn’t think I liked guys. I mean, I don’t—” Bennet shrugs helplessly “—except him for some reason.”

Given what I witnessed, his words shouldn’t hurt more than the image seared into my brain. But the shock of that scene must be wearing off, because that confession feels like a knife sinking into my chest, one agonizing inch at a time.

“You still kept it a secret. Why?” I blink furiously, hoping to stave off the looming tears.

Bennet can either see the pain in my eyes or sense it in my voice, rushing to confess a family history of homophobia I never knew existed, and his own fears about a future NFL career as a bisexual man. But I can tell from his tone that he’s confessing as my best friend, believing my pain is a result of some platonic betrayal for keeping secrets rather than heartbreak.

He still has no idea how I really feel.

I can’t decide if I should be grateful for that or not.

On the one hand, my pride is intact, and if I’m careful, he’ll never know I’ve been in love with him since freshman year, when we bonded over trying to make our dads proud by following in their footsteps and joining a fraternity neither of us had an interest in being part of. On the other, I’m furious.

Furious that I respected a sexual boundary that wasn’t real. That he’s pushing that boundary with another man. That he never has, and never will, see me as anything other than a friend.

A friend he’s currently confessing his secrets to and expecting to receive advice in return.

“I get hiding from your dad,” I say softly from my spot on the floor next to Bennet, where we both sunk to while he revealed the truth about his father’s homophobia. “But two of your openly gay roommates are gunning for the NFL, and there doesn’t seem to be any backlash against them.”

“They’ve got two more years until they hit the draft, and honestly, they’ve got more talent than me. Their skill might make people turn a blind eye to their sexuality, but I’m not sure my skill will open the same doors for me. And like I said, this thing with Damien is… We’re not boyfriends. There’s no reason to draw attention to something that has an end date.” Bennet rubs absently at his chest.

“And when is that?”

“I…” He continues to press at his breastbone, clearing his throat before trying to speak, though no words actually come out.

“Does Damien know it has an end date?” I ask, trying not to sound hopeful, and feeling like shit that I am.

Damien’s a good guy. I genuinely like him. I genuinely want to hate him for his relationship with Bennet, but it’s not Damien’s fault I never came clean about my feelings.

“Damien knows I’m not planning to come out of the closet,” Bennet says softly.

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” He continues to rub his chest, almost as if he’s got heartburn. “Whether it’s because I’m not planning to come out or because both of us want to go to the NFL, there’s no future here. It’s just sex. That’s why we’re keeping it a secret.”

“Jesus, Bennet. Do you really not see it?”

“See what?”

I take a little satisfaction knowing I’m not the only thing Bennet’s blind to, but it’s short-lived. Though it literally pains me to point it out, Damien deserves better than secret boyfriend status, and based on what I saw between those two, it’s far more than that.

“Fuck buddies don’t usually steal kisses when they think no one’s looking.”

“We didn’t…” The protest dies on Bennet’s lips before he can get the words out, and just as he realizes what he’s been blind to when it comes to Damien, so do I.

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