Page 43 of Beautifully Complicated

I could go back to my former position, assuming Aiden chooses a school or a company near Boston, but the only suitable company is the one I’d be working for, so while that’s not a deal-breaker, it does suggest that we’ll have to tread carefully so we don’t violate any policies about workplace relationships.

Who knew falling for someone in the same field would be so difficult?

Regardless of what the future holds, the one thing I know for certain is that I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Aiden is in it. All I wanted in coming to Colorado was a chance to see if he was everything I believed him to be that first night. Everything I believed we could betogether. In many ways I’ve confirmed the former, but as for the latter…

I want that chance, even if I have to wait months for it. And while the days are passing, the end never seems to get any nearer.

Aiden bustles into the room, bringing the crisp scent of cool air with him, and hangs his jacket on the hook by the door.

“Hi.” My whole body seems to exhale now that my eyes are on him.

“Hi.” He breathes in return, standing close enough for me to see the tiny flecks of gold in his toffee eyes, but not close enough to touch.

Neither of us moves for a beat as we wage the familiar, internal battle over wanting to close the distance and knowing we can’t. Usually, this ends when a forlorn sigh passes through Aiden’s lips, and he goes to sit at his workstation where we talk from across the room. Today, that sigh doesn’t come.

“I can’t do it,” he whispers.

Every nerve in my body goes on alert. “Can’t do what?”

“Make it to graduation. I can’t.” He rubs his chest, a haunted look on his face. “It hurts too much.”

My first instinct is to spring up from my chair and take him in my arms, holding him the way I’ve been dying to for months. But I ignore the pain in my own chest and try to rationalize our situation. “I know this is hard, but we have to wait until you have your degree.”

“I can’t make it that long.”

He sounds so forlorn, my heart feels ready to crack, yet at the same time, I’m not sure where this is coming from. The last few weeks—after the initial moment to mourn what we can’t yet have—he’s been the same confident, funny, sexy guy I spent the night with. And while we both obviously want more, he seemed comfortable in the knowledge that we’d get there one day.

This panic, or whatever it is, doesn’t make sense.

“We have to. For our future.”

“And what if the future doesn’t look the way we want it to? What if you can’t find a job where I go to school? Or what if we end up working at the same place but we aren’t allowed to be together becauseonce againyou’d be my supervisor or mentor. Then we’d have given up nowandlater.”

“I won’t let either of those things happen. I have a lot of clout, in both the academic world and the business world. One way or another I’ll make it so nothing stands in our way. We just have to get through your graduation, Leanbh.”

Some of the tension leaves him when I use his nickname, but it doesn’t bring a smile to his face the way it usually does.

“Where’s this coming from? What happened?” I prod gently.

Aiden’s shoulders droop. “Bennet’s been on my case about working too hard. He wants me to go home with him and Damien for Thanksgiving, and Damien thinks they should set me up on a date.”

No!

I start to lurch for him but stop myself before I can get all the way off my stool, knowing if I get him in my arms, I won’t be able to let go.

“What did you tell them?” I manage to keep my voice steadier than I feel.

“I said I was busy for Thanksgiving. And they haven’t actually set me up yet, I just overheard them talking about it. If they do, I can’t even tell them why I’d be saying no, yet saying no would just make Bennet more concerned.”

There are any number of things I can do to diffuse his pain right now. Asking how I can help. Telling him this is all just temporary. Reminding him that he knows how much I want him, even if I can’t show it. But my mind keeps circling back to what he said about the future looking different than we want it to, alluding that the now is the only thing we can control.

What if he’s right? What if I don’t have the clout I think I do, or the best opportunity for him doesn’t come with a corresponding opportunity for me?

The ugly truth is that we won’t be in control of our personal lives unless we’re in control of our professional ones, which will never happen if we work for other people.

Starting my own company is an idea I’ve toyed with off and on for years, but I never had a reason to take the leap since there were companies out there willing to provide the resources I needed. I’ve never loved the fact that those companies have to report to shareholders, meaning profits were often prioritized over progress, but my research is expensive, so I usually kept that opinion to myself lest I jeopardize the funding I received.

I don’t love the notion of building a company, I’m a scientist not an entrepreneur, but if that gives me control of my destiny with Aiden…

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