Page 24 of Beautifully Conflicted

What if I can’t resist him?

What if I give in?

What if I’m really bi?

I’m not homophobic, but Iamafraid of being bi myself. Beyond the fact that I’m ninety percent sure my dad wouldn’t approve, I don’twantto be into men. I don’t want the stigma, the scrutiny or the uncertainty that comes with that lifestyle. Particularly, if I end up going pro.

True, in some ways, celebrity or notoriety might make it easier to be a bisexual man, but it’d shine a different sort of spotlight on me and my accomplishments. I wouldn’t be just a football player, I’d be abisexualfootball player.

My sexual identity would always be mentioned along with my name, so I could never truly be known for who I am or what I do. I’d always, in some way, be known for my choice of partner, which wouldmean anything I do on the field has to bemorethan what straight guys do to get the same respect. It's not fair, but it’s true.

If a queer guy doesn’t perform as well as his straight teammates, it’s because he’s queer. That’s what the headline would be.Bisexual Receiver Falls Short.Anyone who says different is either naïve or lying. And I feel like shit for thinking that considering who my roommates are. Cruz and Jagger have an excellent shot at going pro, and they’ve come to terms with the fact they’ll always be the queer athlete. I guess being with someone you love makes the label attached to their names worth it, but that’s not me. I’m curious, sure, but I’ve yet to act on that. And until I do, I identify as straight. And if I stay that way, I’ll just be known formeinstead of who I sleep with.

It might make me shallow, but I like the way that sounds.

Yeah, things are better now than they’ve ever been for queer people, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. Far from it. And while I respect the hell out of my queer friends and fully support their lifestyle, it’s not something I want for myself. That’s why having Damien here is so terrifying.

No guy has ever tempted me the way he does, so it’s not unreasonable to think that without him here I could live a straight life and be perfectly content. But having him within reach… There are only two possible outcomes. I’ll give in to curiosity, or I’ll stay a coward.

And I don’t love either scenario.

The idea that I’m a coward… No one wants to believe that about themselves. It’s a truth that’s hard to acknowledge, and now that it’s staring me in the face daily, it’s making me pissed at Damien, myself, even the world at large. But the idea that I might explore this thing I’ve desperately tried to ignore is almost more alarming, because what if I try it, and it turns out I like it?

What if I don’t just like it physically, but in other ways? Ways like the how Liam and Cruz, or Cam and Jagger like it. Ways that involve feelings and emotions.

Life will be easier if I never know or answer those questions about my sexuality, but the more time I spend around Damien Montgomery, the harder those questions are to ignore.

His attempts to bait me, his ridiculous conversations, and his unwanted commentary on ways to improve my game may drive me insane, but his physical presence is a temptation I’m not sure I can withstand for the next year and a half. My only hope is to keep thinking of him as the cocky, insufferable rival he’s always been.

***

“I’m just saying shoes are a stupid reward,” Damien says as we pass the half way point of our run.

“You got a better idea?”

“Tickets to a Stallions game,” he answers without pause, and yeah, seeing Denver’s pro team live would be amazing, but not practical since their season overlaps ours.

“I’m sure Coach thinks our time will be better spent concentrating on our own game instead of watching someone else’s.”

“Fair, but… shoes?” Damien’s cheeks get even more flushed as he rants, fueled by that damn beanie no doubt. Cold ears be damned, he really is gonna overheat one of these days. “We aren’t women.”

“You think guys don’t appreciate shoes?” I snort.

He casts a not-so-subtle glance at my feet, and my pristine silver and black On Cloud running shoes. “Excluding my present company,since you obviously have issues, no. I don’t think guys appreciate shoes. Not as a reward for outperforming the competition.”

“I haven’t heard a single other person complain about it besides you.”

“That’s because people aren’t thinking big enough. Denver has several other teams with seasons that don’t interfere with ours. Basketball. Hockey. Even baseball, although I wouldn’t want those tickets. Slowest gameever.”

“That’s soccer,” I correct. “You can play for ninety minutes and still be tied at zero.”

Damien gnaws on a plump lip, which I don’t think about beyond wishing he’ll accidentally stumble and bite it. “Yeah, I’ll give you that one.”

My foot catches on absolutely nothing yetIstumble, anyway. “Did you just say I’m right about something? You’re agreeing with me?”

“About soccer? Yeah.” His shoulder lifts and lowers like that’s not a monumental admission. “I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s slower than baseball, but games without a lot of scoring feel slow. But seriously, I bet a lot of guys would prefer tickets to a game as a reward. It’s got to be so much better seeing it in person.”

“You’re talking like you haven’t ever seen a live game.” I snort.

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