Page 110 of Beautifully Conflicted

“Wait.” Squeezing my eyes shut, I shake my head to jar the words in my mind free. “Are you telling me you’regay?”

“No, I’m not. But my friendship with this boy scared my parents enough to take action, and after that summer, I became pretty convinced that being gay was a sin. The ultimate sin.”

“Stop.” I tug at my hair with both hands, pulling enough to wince until Damien guides them to my lap. “You act like you’re some devout Catholic, but I don’t even remember the last time you went to church. Hell, I only did because high school started every day with mass.”

My dad nods along as I talk, as if he was expecting this reaction. “I’ve had a complicated relationship with the church since the day I disowned my brother. I wanted to be devout, and turned my back on him since that’s what I thought our parents would’ve done. With them gone, I thought I was honoring their values. But I resented them and the church for making me feel that way. It’s why I’ve never been back after that.”

“You’ve been estranged from him all this time even though you resented the institution that pushed you to do it? Why?” I ask.

“I was always taught condoning the sin was as bad as the sin itself,” he says. “And at a certain point, you just don’t know how to correct something like that, so you live with it.”

“Yousay correct it,” Damien starts. “Does that mean you’ve changed your mind? You’d accept your brother and Bennet for who they are?”

My dad casts me an uncertain look as he speaks. “I won’t lie to you and pretend it’s as easy as flipping a switch. I’ve been struggling with my beliefs for years, and rather than be honest with myself or anyone else, I usually ended up burying things that were hard or painful to think about. I don’t understand—” he waves a hand at me and Damien “—this. But I don’t want to lose you over it either. Will you give me a chance to learn a new way of thinking? Both of you?”

As far as apologies go, his leaves a lot to be desired, and part of me is disappointed that he’s just cracking the door a sliver instead of throwing it wide open. But I respect the fact he’s not making false promises or telling me what I want to hear, so I guess his honesty earns him the same in return.

“I don’t want to lose you over this either. But I don’t want to live my life hoping for approval that you aren’t capable of giving, and I don’t want to subject Damien to that either. I don’t know where to go from here.”

Damien clears his throat beside me. “I might have an idea.”

“What?” I ask.

“Maybe your dad and your uncle should talk. I mean, a lot of this stems from their childhood, and chances are your uncle can understand the beliefs forced on your dad better than you can, so he might be more accepting of your dad’s biases than you are. Or at least the origin of those biases. And, no offense, but if there’s any hard truths that need to be said, that’s maybe a conversation that’s better suited for brothers instead of a father and son.”

I swing my head in my old man’s direction. “Dad?”

“That’s not a bad place to start.” He offers me a timid smile before turning to Damien. “I assume your parents know you’re…”

“Gay?” Damien finishes for him without a trace of resentment. “Oh yeah. There wasn’t much question, but I told them back in middle school.”

“How did your dad handle this?” I don’t know if my dad is trying to make nice or genuinely curious, but either way Damien answers with his usual puppy dog enthusiasm.

“Well, like I said, it wasn’t much of a surprise, but if I remember right, I think his words were something along the lines ofat least I won’t have to worry about you knocking anyone up.” He imitates what I assume is his father’s deep voice.

“Really?” My dad smiles awkwardly, caught between wanting to laugh and cringe.

“Oh yeah. He’d probably envy you not getting hit with this talk until now. You skipped right over the whole boy crazy teen phase.”

“You were a boy crazy teen?” I nudge Damien’s shoulder playfully with mine.

He gives me a shy smile. “There was really only one boy, but I was definitely crazy for him.” Damien’s gaze falls to my lips, and I nearly lean in to taste his before I remember my dad’s watching this whole exchange.

“Sorry.” I send him a wary glance as my cheeks rise in temperature.

“Don’t,” my dad says. “I don’t want us to have the type of relationship where you tiptoe around me.”

“Me either,” I tell him honestly. “But I’m willing to do that for a little bit while you work on complete and total acceptance.”

“Sounds fair,” my dad agrees. “I’ll uh, call you after I’ve talked to my brother.” His voice rises an octave like that’s a question not a plan.

“I’d like that.”

My dad’s eyes dart between me and Damien as if he wants to do more than say goodbye but isn’t sure we’re receptive. I’m on the verge of standing when Damien pops up and offers his hand.

“I’m glad you came by Mr. Armstrong,” he says.

My dad steps forward to return the handshake and says, “Me, too.” Then he turns to me, facing me eye-to-eye now that I’ve risen to my full height. “Thank you, son.”

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