Page 78 of Loving You

Maybe a little too well.

“Do you know where you’re headed after Lovers?”

I grab my beer bottle and swirl the liquid as I think over the answer. Most people see only the travel side of my life—they don’t see how it’s also my job.

“I’ll receive an email soon to let me know.”

“An email?”

He couldn’t hide the surprise on his face if he tried.

“Yep.”

“You let someone else decide for you?”

“When they are paying me, yes.” I let out a chuckle.

“What now?” he asks, turning to face me and ready to dive into the topic of my life. “This is going to sound stupid, but I thought you traveled for fun.”

“Most people think that. And at times I do, but most of the travel I do now is contracted. I travel, take pictures, and share their business or whatever they need on my accounts, and they pay me for it.”

“That’s a real job?”

I hold my hands up. “It’s mine.”

He studies me for a moment.

“So your on-the-go-lifestyle isn’t by choice?”

“It was at first, but now, it’s because I signed paperwork that said I'd do whatever they needed.”

“So even if you want to do something different …”

“I have contracts to fulfill.”

He rubs his chin. “I don’t know if I could do that. Not knowing what’s next. Ialwaysknow what’s next. I like the structure and the routine. It makes me feel like I have control.”

I nod. “I like those things, too, but it’s different because my routine is not staying in one place too long and my structure is that I don’t get too attached.”

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, this weird feeling consumes me.

Sadness mixed with fear.

Is that what's wrong with me?

Do I not want that life anymore?

If I decide to change my career, I could lose everything. Where would that leave me?

What would I do to make money?

I clear my throat, nodding to the tire swing I’ve had my eye on since we sat down.

“I haven’t been on one of these in years.” I stand quickly, almost skipping all the steps as I put some distance between us.

I’m enjoying myself so much, and I don’t want to keep bringing the vibe down by talking about leaving and where I’m going next because I don’t know any of those things.

I take hold of the rope and put one leg at a time through the tire. Once I wiggle to a good spot, I start to kick my legs.

---