Page 105 of Done Waiting

With gloved hands, I returned to his room, grabbed his stash of drugs, then slowly descended the stairs. His eyes popped open, and he looked at me with pure hatred before he said, “Help me.”

My lips twisted into a menacing smile, my heart full of malice. Kneeling beside him, I said, “Oh, I intend to help you by putting you out of your fucking misery, asshole.” I held up his syringe. “But when you die, you won’t see mom again because you’re going straight to hell, motherfucker.”

“P-Please, J-J-Jagger. Y-You d-don’t w-w-want t-to d-do t-t-this.” He eyed the syringe I filled with drugs, having researched this at Jason’s house to ensure I gave him a lethal dose. “Y-you’re n-n-not like m-me. Y-Y-You t-take after y-your m-m-mom.”

I injected the lethal dosage into his arm. “You’re right. I do. And the last fucking place she’d want me to go is to a mental hospital.” I give him a brittle smile, my eyes hard as I watch the syringe drain, the drugs flowing into his veins, my gaze meets his. “You’re a fucking sorry excuse of a father. An even worse excuse for a human being. Mom would despise what you’ve become. She’d fucking hate you if she saw you like this.” Pulling the needle out, I give him a cold, malicious smile. “But I’m like you in one way. I can be a callous bastard.”

As a tear slipped down his cheek, I put the syringe in his right hand, just like it was earlier, and spread his paraphernalia around him, vividly picturing the way he usedit upstairs to ensure I spread it around him so there were no questions.

Pacing around, I darted looks at him, watching as his breathing became shallow, his skin pale and clammy. He started making choking and snore-like gurgling noises, and that’s when I had to walk to the living room window, staring out into the backyard. As I heard him vomiting, knowing he was likely choking on it, I zoned out, my eyes staring at the overgrown backyard.

“Goodbye, miserable fucking life.” All the good memories I’d had out there had been stolen away by all the horrific hell my father put me through. So I wouldn’t be tempted to try to save him, I went over every awful thing he’d said and done to me since my mom died.

As much as I didn’t want them to, my thoughts returned to my mom. Images of her and I in this house and the backyard filled my head, causing me to smile as tears trickled down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Mom,” I whispered. “I had no other choice.”

Unbidden, pumpkin, the little girl I’d met at the park, filtered into my brain. My mind returned to her and me on the swings and the hope and freedom I felt being with her. A sob caught in my throat as I whispered, “I hope wherever you are, pumpkin, you’re happy and safe. I hope you danced your heart out and proved to Jacob that you deserved that role. If we ever meet again, I hope you won’t see the monster I’d become but the boy you once met.”

Jason texted me, assuring me everything was okay. Abby was our lookout, ensuring Mrs. Brandt didn’t go upstairs to Jason’s room and notice we weren’t there, playing video games.

My phone beeped again, and I gave Jason the signal. Letting him in the back door, we stood over my dad, checkinghis pulse. He had none. Since Jason’s dad was a doctor, he supervised me as I checked to ensure my dad wasn’t breathing.

As darkness blanketed the outside, Jason snuck out the backdoor and back to his house. Once he arrived, he texted me, letting me know it was my turn.

Pulling my hoodie overhead, I snuck outside, creeping along the hedges to the tree line. My eyes darted around, ensuring I saw no one. Meeting him at the back door of his house, we quietly snuck inside and made our way up the stairs. Taking off our backpacks, we hid the sweatshirts we wore in a tote in the back of his closet that was full of clothes his mom planned to donate. Then Jason and I calmly went downstairs for a drink.

We chatted with his mom and Abby, and I was invited to stay for dinner. I texted my dad to ask if it was alright, but he never answered. Then I called him, and again, appeared surprised and concerned that he didn’t respond.

Jason’s mom was used to my dad flaking out on me, so I ate dinner with them, forcing myself to act natural, despite my stomach hollowing out.

When we finished, Jason’s mom drove me home, with Abby and Jason with us since her husband was working late.

When we pulled up to a dark house, Jason’s mom was nervous and insisted on going inside to see if my dad was home, just like I predicted she would.

She was the one who found my father lying at the bottom of the stairs.

As I stared down at his dead body, the tears I cried were real. But none of them were for him.

They were for me.

The boy whose innocence was lost when he was thrust from a loving home with two parents who cared for him, or at least one who did while the other pretended, to a world full of neglect and abuse. The boy who grew up too fast, his nativity strippedaway when he learned that sometimes, the ones closest to us are the ones who hurt us the most.

The boy forced to murder his father because no one would save him. So I saved myself.

Jason’s mom took me home with them, as I knew she would. I stayed with the Brandt family until the reading of the will. Jason and I already knew what was in it. I’d found it the night I found the inheritance letter my mom left for me. But I pretended to be relieved, sagging in my chair from it, when the attorney read, “If we both perish, John and Alicia Brandt will assume guardianship of Jagger Ryan Williams.”

Life improved dramatically after that. Jason’s family officially adopted me, and I became Jagger Ryan Brandt.

But I never forgot the hell I’d endured.

Pulling myself from thoughts of the past, I stare at Maddie, the woman I love with all my heart. A twinge of guilt courses through me. There’s one thing I can’t tell her about.The social worker who betrayed me.

Tears pour down her cheek as she throws herself against my chest, her arms wrapping around me, giving me the biggest, longest hug I’d ever received.

When Maddie pulled back, I gingerly wiped the tears from her face with my thumbs. “I’ve seen the monster, but he doesn’t scare me. The boy I once met always keeps me safe from everyone, including the monster.” She pauses, “The man you’ve become contains both the monster and boy, and I love them, Jagger. I loveyou. Every single part of you.”

My breath heaves out of my lungs, relief flowing through me so fast my skin tingles. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.” Tears are in my eyes as they devour her beautiful face, skin soft and luminous, and eyes full of nothing but respect, love,gratitude, and a promise. She sees me, all of me, and loves me without judgment.

Unconditionally.

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