Page 70 of Irons

“The day I was arrested.” I sat back and got comfortable.

“That’s the second hardest part to tell.” She swallowed hard then looked down at her hands. I reached over and squeezed her shoulder. She took a few deep breaths, then suddenly stood and walked to the bedroom and came back with a box of tissues. I noticed her hands were trembling as she sat back down. She again took a breath, swallowed hard, then lifted her fist to her chest. There were already tears in her eyes.

Her fist rubbed her chest. “First of all, I need to know that you understand that I hold no resentment about you leaving.”

She said that more than once, so I gave her a nod. She looked back down at her hands as her fist kept rubbing her chest. “The day they took you away, I felt like they ripped the biggest part of my heart from my chest.” A tear fell and landed on her shirt. She pulled a tissue from the box. “It felt like I was dying. My dad ended up carrying me from that hospital. For a few daysI couldn’t eat and all I did was sleep. I didn’t even go to school.” She looked over at me. “Then Matt came over and brought all my homework. He stayed with me until it was all done, then he took it back to school for me.” Her head tilted with tears in her eyes. “I was suffering from a broken heart.” She broke down and sobbed, so I reached for her and pulled her up on my lap to hold her. “This right here was all I needed.” She curled into me.

“I’m sorry, Wrenly. If I could, I’d go back…”

She put her hand over my mouth. “No, don’t you dare blame yourself. Don’t ever apologize for what happened. Everyone failed you. Your parents, your grandparents, and even Shelby.” She sobbed again. “It’s almost the same thing that happened to us last night.” She removed her hand.

I nodded. “It could have been worse, right?” I asked.

I could feel her shake her head. “Just wait for the story.” She placed her hand on my chest. “You’ve always been in here.” She patted my chest. “You were always with me.”

“You were always with me too, but there was so much guilt.”

She reached up and pulled my face down, then pecked my lips. “Please just listen.”

“Okay.” I whispered.

“That hole in my chest wouldn’t go away, no matter what I did. Matt tried to be my friend. And we were friends, but I think I was just trying to fill that hole you left behind. We didn’t start dating until sophomore year.”

I kissed the top of her head.

“I can never have anything to do with the day after pill or abortion. I couldn’t physically do it, because I once held my dead baby in the palm of my hands. He was so perfect, but he died.”

My stomach turned and I suddenly felt sick.

“How could I purposely stop a growing life when my son is buried in Oklahoma?”

My nose was burning, and tears were building in my eyes.

“I knew I didn’t love Matt the right way. I just didn’t know how to let him down. He was so excited about college, and we were going together, and I was too much of a coward to tell him we needed to break up. I realized I was using him to fill the void you left behind. One day I was talking to a recruiter, the next week I was taking a pregnancy test.”

She sniffled and I reached up to wipe my own tears away.

“I was stuck, because I knew I was going to keep the baby. Matt was actually excited to be a dad. So, I followed along with his plans. It was winter, we told our parents, then graduated high school. Then we got an apartment in Norman. I was almost seven months pregnant. He was moving and growing, we knew we were having a son and Matt insisted we name him Tyler. It’s Matt’s middle name. We were both healthy and I already loved my baby so much, but I was depressed and tried to hide it from everyone. I had to give up all my dreams.”

I rested my cheek on her head and listened.

“Do you want to know the one that hurt the most?”

“Sure.” I said.

“I was engaged because I was pregnant. Not because I wanted to marry him. I knew at that point…” She sobbed. “I had to let go of my oldest childhood dream. The one I told you about all the time. The one where I promised you’d marry me someday.”

I took in a sharp breath, then reached for a tissue because I was a mess. I hadn’t cried since the day I was arrested, and there I was sobbing in front of Wrenly.

“We had just moved in, and Matt had practice. He made me promise I’d take it easy for the rest of the day. I got bored and decided to make one last trip home to get a few boxes. On my way back, I stopped at Target to get a few essentials. I was walking toward the entrance and made it so close, but out of nowhere something hit me, and my body flew a few feet. I landed on my back, and I didn’t even hit my head. My hip felt hurt, and my shoulder, but other than that I was fine. I even laid there for a minute before I tried to get up, but all these strangers stopped me. Everyone was talking and I kept telling them I was okay. I could hear sirens, and it was all chaos. I turned my head and saw a golf cart and some teen boys. A few men chased after them and had them on the ground. They were yelling at them for drinking and driving. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen. I thought about you and was screaming at the men to leave the boys alone. They were just kids and didn’t mean any harm.” She reached for a tissue, and I had to dab my eyes too. I felt like shit. Those boys were like me.

She sat back and curled back into my arms then I kissed her head again and squeezed her body. I was shaking by that point. She was trying to protect those boys because she was thinking about me during the worst moment of her life.

“It wasn’t until after I was loaded in the ambulance that I saw the blood. I started screaming and crying. Saying his name over and over again. Matt barely made it to the hospital in time. They knew in the ambulance Tyler didn’t have a heartbeat. They tried to save him. I was rushed into surgery, but at 8:48 pm, Tyler never took his first breath.” She tried to draw in air as she cried. “Matt…his cries were all I heard when my baby shouldhave been crying.” She hiccupped. “When I was put in a room, they handed me my tiny boy, but he was too little to hold in my arms. They even put a diaper on him and a little blue knit hat on his head. I don’t know how long Matt watched me as I held our baby. He was suffering but allowed me to hold Tyler until I was ready to hand him over. He was so tiny in Matt’s big hands.” I felt her shake her head. “That was the moment I vowed I’d never have another baby. I can’t face that kind of loss again.”

I think my heart stopped. Fuck! My right hand was in a fist, and I didn’t notice the pain of my nails digging into my palm until that moment.

“Travis…” Her voice cracked. “We buried him at Tony’s feet. His name was added to Tony’s headstone. I wanted him with Tony so Tony could watch over him like he did you. Your grandmother approved it.”

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