Page 34 of Irons

“Your dad said you’re leaving indefinitely.” He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at the floor. “The last time you left I didn’t see you until now. Your dad said your last assignment was for two years. I couldn’t let you leave yet. It's harder than I thought to stay away when you’re home.”

“You’re married.” I deadpanned.

He sighed. “I know, and I love her. I swear I do, but it’ll never be like it was with you. You’re that love that will always live deep in my soul. I just needed to say goodbye or something.”

Matt wasn’t a bad man, but he was definitely wrong to show up at my house twice. “We said goodbye. Why do you keep doing this, Matt? It’s been over for years.”

His eyes welled up. “You’re the mother of my son. It doesn’t matter that he’s in heaven, he’s still our son. He was so perfect, and it was hard to let go of both of you and move on. Do you have any idea how much I’ve loved you? How can you make walking away look so easy? One day you were pregnant, and we were going to get married, and the next my arms were completely empty.”

“They’re not empty now.” I reminded him.

“How do you live every day without what we had? How can he not matter anymore? Our love created him, and he should have had brothers and sisters by now. It’s like I never mattered. He died and poof, you’re over it and you leave like I never meant anything to you. How is that possible?” He begged for answers.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Matt. I still have nightmares about leaving, sometimes I swear I can still feel him moving inside me, and I’ll never forget how tiny he was in your hands.” I wiped a tear away. “I was going to leave before I found out I was pregnant.” I finally admitted the truth.

His face turned as white as a ghost. “What?”

“I wanted the military, you knew that, and I was trying to find a way to tell you that I still needed to fulfill my dreams. I loved you, and if taking you with me was a possibility I would have, but you had your own dreams. I was prepared to leave and even talked to the recruiters a week before I found out I was pregnant. I wanted our baby, but that meant all the sacrifices came from me, not you. After I lost the baby I felt empty. I needed to follow my dreams, and I knew you would follow me and give up yours. I didn’t want that for you, and I was right. Look at you now. Pro athlete and you have a beautiful wife and son. It was the right thing to do.”

He deflated. “Are you saying we would be married right now if my dreams weren’t as important, and I could have followed you if I made that clear to you? Wrenly, none of that mattered to me. If you would have given me a chance I would have given it all up. You were my life, my entire fucking world.” He cried.

“We would be divorced by now, Matt. I was special ops and marriages never worked out. It’s a well-known fact that if you go special ops while married, you’d be divorced in a year. Itwas the right decision.” I still felt like it was right, even though it hurt sometimes.

“We would have been the exception, Wrenly. I would have followed you to the end of the world if you would have let me. That’s what makes this so hard. If you would have given us a chance we would be married now.” He wiped his tears away. “Don’t you understand how much I still love you?”

I thought of his wife and started to sob. “Do you have any idea how much it would hurt if we were married, and you were saying these things to another woman? Just standing here and saying these things to me is worse than if you had sex with another woman. My heart breaks for your wife right now. What you are doing is terrible and I hate myself for even having this conversation with you. It feels dirtier than if you fucked me against that wall just for the thrill. Please just leave.” I begged. “Just think of how it would feel if your wife was saying these things to another man.” I loved Matt, but even when I was pregnant, and we planned to marry something was off. I felt like a part of me was empty and I felt even worse with that today. I already had an emptiness inside me before I lost our baby. I wanted our baby, but something about being pregnant with his baby felt wrong. It all felt wrong, and I never knew why.

He was looking at me like I just shoved a dagger into his heart. He wiped his tears away then stood tall. “You’re right.”

I nodded through my own tears. “I know I’m right. What you are doing is unbelievably unfair to her. Please go home and be a good husband. Don’t make me feel even more guilty than I already do. Nobody but your wife should ever hear the words you just said to me.” All he was doing was disrespecting his wife and opening up old wounds for me. Every damn day was a struggle after we buried our son, and he only made it harder to breathe as he made me remember.

He turned and stormed out of the garage, and I took a deep breath of relief. He wanted something I could never give him because there was no such thing as closure when you lose a child.

I skipped finishing dinner and went straight upstairs for a shower. I cried as the water trailed over me, and my hand traveled over my empty belly as I sobbed. I lost so much in my life and the only things that even compared to losing my baby by even a fraction of the despair was losing Travis and my mother. All three were the worst things that ever happened to me and being shot never even hurt as much. I touched the scar on my shoulder and remembered that day. I was losing a lot of blood, and my thoughts were scrambled. Visions of playing with Travis came to mind. Then it was the day he was taken away and finally remembering what it was like to hold my tiny dead baby.

As I lowered my body down to sit on the shower floor and hold myself, I wondered if Travis ever really understood who he was to me. I had just laid on the bathroom floor with my dead mother. I was scared and alone, but then I was returned to my dad and Travis was there for me. He was the light to all the darkness I saw in my first six years. He made me laugh, and he even hugged me. He had so much love inside him for a boy that was neglected so much. Whenever either of us felt scared and alone we had each other. He was my entire world growing up and I don’t think I made that clear enough. He was like my comfort blanket when my mom died and then he was gone when I lost my baby. All my comfort in this world disappeared. We were two tiny little kids that were lost and scared. We somehow learned to find safety in each other and without him, my teen years were lonely. I don’t think I would have clung to Matt the way I did if Travis hadn’t left. I was seeking comfort in Matt to replace what Travis gave me, but it was wrong. It never felt right.

Once I cried it all out and stepped out of the shower, Heather knocked on my door. She let herself in, then just like when I lost my son, she crawled in bed with me and held me until I fell asleep.

We both jumped when my alarm went off and it was the big day. I shoved all my emotions from the night before way down deep and tried to go on with my life. I was nervous because I didn’t know when I would see Travis. Would he be at the airport? Maybe he would greet me at the gate to Creed’s Lake? Maybe it would be at dinner in the mess hall or at the apartment I’d stay in until my furniture arrived.

I decided it would be best to travel prepared and did my hair in long beachy waves and put on my makeup. It was chilly outside, so I wore a pair of jeans with an oversized sweater over a tank top and let the sweater fall off my shoulder. Then I threw on my knee high boots and grabbed my foe leather jacket and scarf. I had a carry on, two suitcases, and my handbag to load in my dad’s car. We had coffee and Heather had breakfast made before I said my goodbyes. Once in the car I glanced at my dad, and he looked really tired. It was only five in the morning, so I was sure he was tired. My flight was at seven thirty so I should have landed in Louisville before lunch. Stone’s flight was due to land soon after mine. Stone was crazy excited about the opportunity, and he even had his bike shipped last week. He was on top of it, and I guess I was too. I was excited about the job, but probably more nervous than excited about seeing Travis again. It was like a dream come true, I just hoped he wasn’t dreading the sight of me.

Anxious

Travis

“What the hell has been wrong with you lately?” Victor asked as he kicked his boots up on my desk while eating one of his damn brownies. He was a guy I had very little patience for because of his drug use.

“Well, I’m about to show you if you don’t yet your damn boots off my desk and throw that fucking brownie away. You’re fucked if you get hurt on the clock. No workman’s comp for you, dumbass.” He had no idea his brownies were replaced by Morgan, so I always played along.. She’s been doing that shit to him for months. At one point he even cursed about being sold oregano because the brownies were too weak.

I looked up and saw his new appearance and laughed my ass off. He had his beard in two braids, then his long ass hair was also in two braids, and he wore a bandana on his head. “Willy fucking Nelson.” I laughed. “Or Pippy Longstocking. I can’t decide.”

“Fuck you.” He smirked and I still laughed. “Seriously, what’s up with you? You’re not acting like yourself.”

I shook my head, once again avoiding his question. “What’s with the braids in your beard? Getting bugs from all the crumbs you drop in it?”

“The old lady likes it.” He felt the braids. “She put them in last night.”

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