Page 106 of Irons

“It’s not a punishment, it’s simply a fact that’s a result of consistent choices you’ve made for the last thirty years. You made yourself a stranger to me and as unbelievable that it is, I feel nothing toward you. Not even resentment at this point. I’ve healed and moved past that, and now I love my life and it’s a very fulfilling life. I don’t want to change it just to spare a strangers feelings. You’ve turned over every stone on earth to find Bobby, but couldn’t manage a simple Google search to find me. I’m not hurt by that, all it does is confirm what I’ve always known, and you just admitted. You didn’t love me the way a child deserves to be loved. You never rocked me to sleep at night or ever tucked me into my bed. Tony did those things, and I bonded with him. We never bonded so we aren’t mother and son. If we had bonded, you and dad wouldn’t have forgotten me at that funeral home and left me alone with Tony’s dead body.”

Her eyes darted up to his and searched like she was going back in time to find a lost memory. It took a few moments before she gasped. “Oh my God.” She lifted her fingers to cover her lips. “You were supposed to go home with us. Tony obviously wasn’t home, your grandparents were grieving, and Tricia stayed with her parents to watch over them. Your grandmother was a mess.” She gasped again. “That was the evening of your car accident. We caused that accident…” Her eyes welled up. “Then we…” Tears broke the surface. “We thought by not bailing you out that it was tough love.” A sob escaped. “Oh my God, we left you alone with his body.”

Travis let out a frustrated laugh. “Are you seriously saying you’re just now realizing you forgot me fifteen years later? Not when you got home, and I wasn’t there with you or maybe when the cops called you?”

I didn’t know that happened. My blood boiled as I watched Paula wrap her arms around herself and sob, so I spokeup. “You should probably talk to the girl that was in that car that night. Sure, Travis made a bad decision by drinking, but the girl gave him a pill and she takes responsibility. Your son was grieving, scared, and alone. He turned to kids that were into bad things because he didn’t have you. It was the pill that caused his behavior and almost got them both killed. Travis didn’t need tough love, he only needed your love.”

Travis squeezed me in close and kissed my temple.

She sobbed. “I shouldn’t have come here.”

We didn’t say anything, just watched her as things clicked in her brain. Her eyes studied him as she cried.

“You’ve already forgiven the past, haven’t you? You’ve healed?”

“Yep.” Travis replied.

“You healed without me, meaning there’s nothing you need from me. There’s no apology needed or wanted is there?”

Travis shook his head. “Nope.”

“I created this hole in my heart, and I’m stuck with it the rest of my life.” She cried.

“I can’t help you with that, Paula. Nothing I say or do will make a difference. You have to do what I did and face your past. It’s up to you to look back and remember the things you chose not to care about. You missed my first words, my first steps, my birthdays, Christmases, my first day of school, and my high school graduation. I was the guy that stood alone with no family when I graduated basic training. I went to war and had no parents to receive me home. Then I became special ops, and didn’t have any family to miss me back home. I helped build a successful and very profitable business, but you’ll never see it. I existed in this world without you and will continue to do that forthe rest of my life. You didn’t just forget me at that funeral home. You forgot me in that grocery store. You don’t think I remember dad stopping by Tony’s to write him a check to cover my expenses, then leave without even looking at me? I didn’t even have a chance to learn how to stop loving you and dad. You never gave me the chance to love you in the first place. You didn’t even love me enough to find a new stable and loving family for me. If that hurts you now, then I don’t know what to tell you, other than you’ll have to forgive yourself. I can’t help you with that, it’s something that’s private and very personal. Your feelings, regrets, pain, or whatever else you feel aren’t my responsibility. Neither is your life, your daughter, or your wellbeing.”

I was crying as hard as Paula, but Travis sat there with nothing, but a cold stone look on his face. He was over the pain, over the neglect, and satisfied with the man he became. A man I loved so much that I allowed Paula’s pain and regret get to me. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling. I could see it as she cried. She kept all of her feelings and emotions toward Travis bottled up and buried deep down, and right now he just dug it upandopened the bottle. It would have been easier on her of he would have just pulled a trigger and let her lay in her own blood and struggle for life. Travis Irons just came to life in his mother’s eyes and now she has to grieve him.

Healed

Travis

Something was wrong. Not because Paula was distraught, but because I felt nothing toward her. There was no anger, no sympathy, no resentment, just nothing. My mother looked to be experiencing something that made no sense to me at all. She kept repeating the strangest things as she cried. It was like we weren’t in the room. I held Wrenly close because she was feeling things. She was crying and I only felt bad for her, not my mom.

Mom kept repeating statements.

“I lost one but threw one away.”

“I caused that accident.”

“He was alone and scared.”

“I wasted his entire life.”

“Abandoned, neglected, replaced, thrown away.”

“Alone, always alone.”

“Forgot him with a dead body.”

“I miss Robert.”

I looked at Wrenly. “Is she okay?”

Mom sat there rocking herself, repeating the same shit like a crazy woman.

Wrenly looked at me with wet eyes. “No Travis, she’s not okay.” She wiped a tear away.

I looked back at Mom. “Paula, you alright?”

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