Page 15 of Incipient

Maybe he was a glutton for punishment the way I was.

“Why do you think, Trace? Because I love him. Because I’m bonded to him. Because it’s the only way I know how to connect with him—to bring back his humanity.” I swallowed the jagged lump in my throat. “And because…I wanted it.” I could feel my cheeks burning with humiliation as I stared back at him from across the room.

His face twisted at my admission as though I’d just burned him, but he quickly looked away, hiding the pain of my searing words as he ran a hand through his ebony hair. It felt like an entire lifetime before he composed himself enough to meet my eyes again. Expression tempered. Mouth silenced.

In that moment, I wished with everything that I had that I could read minds the way he did so that I could know what he was thinking. So I could know his true feelings and be done with it. Was it anger? Disappointment? Disgust? Did he pity me? Not knowing was making my head spin.

“Please say something,” I begged, wishing he would just come out and say it.Put me out of my misery already.

His jaw tensed. “What do you want me to say, Jemma? It’s none of my business.”

For some strange reason, his answer felt like a slap against my scarlet-lettered cheek. The truth was, he’d already seen way too much to have the luxury of not having an opinion. “I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“Why do you care what I think?”

“Because you’re my friend, right? That is what you said before, isn’t it?” I asked, my voice taking on an angry edge.

He ran his hand along his jaw, and I could see the muscle flexing now. “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“So, let’s hear it. What say you friend?” I honestly wasn’t sure why I was poking him or pushing him to give commentary on something so personal and embarrassing.

Like I said, glutton for punishment.

He sank back in the chair and met my eyes. “I say it’s pretty fucked up that you let him treat you like that. He doesn’t deserve to know you let alonetouchyou.” His jaw tensed but his eyes never strayed from mine.

“And why’s that, huh?” I tossed the covers off me and climbed out of the bed onto shaky legs, remarking my blood-stained top and giving zero fucks about it. Trace immediately popped out of his seat as though he were going to rush over to steady me, but then thought better of it.

He knew where that line was.

It was always there no matter where we went.

“Why doesn’t he deserve me, Trace? Because I’mspecial?”I asked mockingly as I spit the word out at him. “Because I’m your soulmate? Because I’m supposed to be pure?” I laughed, but there was no humor behind it. “Take a look at me,” I said, gesturing to my bandaged neck and bloody clothes. “There’s nothing pure or virginal about me so you can just forget the fantasy.”

His eyes raked over me as he took a small step toward me. “The fantasies I have about you have nothing to do with you being a virgin,” he answered, his voice taking on a gravelly edge.

I could feel my face flushing again and for some reason, it incited rage within me. “Fuck you and fuck your fantasies.”

He flinched at my words.

God help my mouth and my wrath. I knew I was taking it out on the wrong person, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. He was a reminder of everything Iwas, and everything I’d lost, and I hated remembering. I hated feeling sorry for myself and I hated realizing just how far I’d fallen. But most of all, I hated the fact that he was making it so easy to let my walls down again. To want for him. To wish for him. I didn’t want to feel those things because I was no good for him anymore, and the sooner he figured that out and left me alone, the better off he would be.

Whatever ideal he'd imagined, whatever dream he'd made up about who I was and who we might become was just a figment of his imagination. The person I used to be was long gone. She didn't exist anymore. She'd been broken apart and put back together so many times that the edges no longer lined up. Not even a semblance of her remained, and I didn't want to be that girl anymore anyway.

But I didn't really want to be this person either.

This person was cold and cruel and messed up, and that wasn’t who I wanted to be either.Dammit!

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said, backpedaling out of the hole I’d thrown myself in. “I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I shook my head and immediately regretted it as my headache slammed back and forth inside my head.

His gaze remained fixed on me, his jaw muscles ticking profusely, as though trying to decipher a complex puzzle with missing pieces, but he still wasn’t saying anything, and it only made me feel worse about myself.

What the hell was I doing here anyway? What was I doingtohim? He didn't need this crap in his life right now. He had enough problems of his own without my added drama in the mix.

Mortified of my behavior, I tried to do the thing I did best.Run.

“I need to go," I said as I searched the room for the duffel bag I’d packed right before I decided to screw everything up and throw myself to the wolf again. I needed to get as far away from here as physically possible. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. But I shouldn’t be here.”

“No. This is exactly where you should be.” His unwavering eyes all but pierced my heart with their veracity.

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