Page 116 of Infernal

His frown deepened when he said, “You know he loves you very much.”

My eyes shot up to his. “He told you that?” I asked, surprised since Dominic wasn’t exactly a well of information, even on a good day.

“He didn’t have to,” he said plainly. “I know my brother. It’s written all over his face when he looks at you.”

My throat constricted with grief as my gaze skirted away from him.

Dominic was going to be the hardest thing to walk away from. I already knew that and had accepted it, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt like hell to hear it.

“Is he okay?” I finally asked, my vision blurring as I met his eyes again.

“No. He’s not,” he answered grimly, and it speared a hole right through my heart.

“But he will be, right?” I wasn’t sure what I was looking for from Gabriel just then. Some reassurance? An okay that I could pick up and leave Dominic after everything that happened between us?

Howcould I pick up and leave Dominic after everything that happened between us?

God, I was such a shitty person.

“He’ll be okay,” he finally agreed, though something about the way he said it made me think it would be a long time before that happened.“And so will you, Jemma. You’re going to survive this, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”

The weak dam around my heart shattered, giving way to a flood of tears that nearly drowned the both of us.

“I really don’t think that I will,” I admitted between sobs. At least not without losing a huge piece of myself—of who I was, and who I was meant to become. If I survived it at all, I’d only be a shell of the person I was supposed to be. No longer whole. No longer living. Simply just…existing.

“You did what you had to do, Jemma, and any one of us would’ve done the same thing.”

I guessed that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn’t. “You say that, but you don’t really know, do you? Because I’m the one that had to do it. I killed Trace—I watched the life drain from his eyes. Not you, Gabriel. Not them. Me. And I’ll never be okay with that. Not ever.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks faster than I could keep up with.

“You’re right. It was you,” he admitted. “And I couldn’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now. But let me ask you something…” He looked at me for a harrowing minute. “What would you do if it had been the other way around?”

I met his eyes and sniffled, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand. “What do you mean?”

He pushed forward, his forehead creasing as he propped his elbows on his knees. “What if Lucifer had taken you as his vessel and Trace was the one who had to yield the weapon?”

“That’s different,” I answered easily. “I know he would’ve done everything imaginable to try and save me.”

“Like you did?” he asked.

“I mean…I guess so,” I shrugged, feeling like I didn’t do enough. If I’d done enough, he would be alive right now.

“And if he couldn’t find a way? If he had tried everything he knew of and was left with no other choice but to do exactly what you had to do…would you forgive him?”

I didn’t even have to think about it. “Of course, I would forgive him.”

He nodded like he’d already known the answer. “Then don’t you think he would want the same for you?”

My mouth opened to say something back to him, to protest his absolution, but all I could think about then was Trace’s words urging me to move on with my life…to let him go…to do therightthing.

He knew it was coming. He knew we were going to end up in exactly that place at exactly that moment. And he’d given me permission to do it. Had I done the right thing after all? And if so, why the hell did it feel so wrong?

40. JUDGEMENT DAY

My visit with Gabriel had been short and bittersweet. He’d come by one more time after that night, and we’d said our goodbyes to each other. Though he’d made it clear to me that he didn’t like that I was leaving, he also said he understood why I needed to do it, and it felt good to finally be on the same page again. And, after a little coaxing and pleading on my part, he also agreed not to tell Dominic where I was until I was ready to say goodbye to him—in person. I owed him at least that, though I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to say those words to him.

I figured I’d have to do it quickly and painlessly, like ripping off a bandage.

Or a limb.

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